Scheherazade
by Apharine
Summary: "You cannot run from your memories, Kana.  Without them, we forget who and what we are and become truly monstrous."
1. they sowed their isn't they reaped thei

"they sowed their isn't; they reaped their same"

"Vexen," I called to number 4, not really certain where in the laboratory I might find the flaxen blond scientist. "The titration is done, sir."

"What were your results?" He called back to me, his voice slightly muffled; it sounded as though he was working in the ventilator hood.

"13.7 milliliters of one molar NaOH until titration was complete," I reported dutifully, reading the meniscus of the flask carefully.

"And your indicator? Which did you use?" Vexen called back, sounding somewhat irritated. I flushed hotly; surely, by now, I should know that I had to report everything I did to him. Leaving things out was careless, no other way around it.

"Phenolphthalein," I chirped back, trying to sound as if my oversight hadn't embarrassed me quite so much. Which, really, it hadn't; I had no heart, or so I was told. All of my emotions were pretense, a memory of how to react to a situation. I could not feel, and neither could Vexen.

Such was the life of being a Nobody.

"Run the titration again," the scientist demanded. "Change no variables; check only for test-retest reliability..." the man trailed off, clearly becoming more absorbed in whatever he was doing under the ventilator.

"But -" I began to protest. Titrimetry was painfully boring; all I did was stare at a solution while I dripped another in, drop by drop, until it changed the pH enough to change the indicator's color. The process could take a half hour. But I was still a neophyte, and I was lucky to even be allowed to work with Vexen in the first place. Grunt work couldn't be avoided. One day, though, he'd respect my work enough to allow me to work alongside of him... "As you wish, sir," I responded, swishing the neutralized analyte and indicator around in its Erlenmeyer flask. Satisfied that it posed no biological hazard, I dumped it down the drain and rinsed the flask out, placing it back under the burette partially filled with sodium hydroxide.

Dutifully, I located my 100 and 50 mL graduated cylinders in my lab drawer and trotted off to the second ventilator hood to get some more of the analyte and the phenolphthalein. Vexen was bent over the first ventilator, working with something smoking on a hot plate. Whatever it was, it had started to form what distinctly appeared to be heart-shaped crystals.

I gaped for a moment too long at the startling sight – crystals never arranged themselves in heart shapes in nature! - and Vexen craned his head, his emerald eyes fixing on me.

"Yes?" He drawled, raising one eyebrow suspiciously at me. "What is it, Kanatrix?"

"Nothing, sir!" I chirped, giving him my best smile before turning back into the other hood filled with flasks of the chemicals I needed. I buried my face deep in the hood, hoping he wouldn't see how badly I was blushing. How stupid could I be, staring at what was supposed to be top-secret Organization work? If the Superior heard about this, I'd be punished for sure, maybe even considered a traitor...

"Kanatrix," the scientist called again, his tone harsh. Pulled out of my thoughts, I jumped reflexively, spilling a drop of 1M NaOH on my left hand and banging my head on the low ceiling of the ventilator hood. My skin began to sting and my stomach dropped. Was I in trouble?

I set down the NaOH I'd been pouring, wiping my minor burn away on my lab coat and pulling my head more successfully out of the hood.

"Sir?" I answered him in a small voice, trying to be as respectful as possible.

"Would you like to see something, Kanatrix?"

Was this a trap? If I went and saw what he was creating, would he take that to mean that I was trying to infiltrate his project?

"Sir, I-" I began, uncertain how to phrase my next words.

"Get over here, number fifteen," Vexen ordered, suddenly impatient. I scurried over to his side, praying I hadn't left the sodium hydroxide open under my own hood. Sloppiness was not tolerated in Vexen's lab.

"Yes, sir." Orders were orders, and he had told me, not asked me, to come see his work.

"My name is Vexen, Number Fifteen," the flaxen-haired man told me, his arms crossing over his chest, one long-fingered, gloved hand drifting up to brush his sharp jaw line. His tone softened slightly as he continued, "You will call me by my name or by my number. 'Sir' is too formal; I dislike it."

I nodded intently.

"All right, Vexen," I agreed quickly, still desperate to show him respect. Calling him by name felt a bit too informal for my tastes, but it was better than addressing him by a number.

"Good. Now come, take a look at the hot plate..." Vexen stepped back from the hood, gesturing with his dominant hand at the very spot where he had been a moment ago. Anxiously, I took a tiny step towards the ventilator hood, feeling, for some reason, that looking at his work was still forbidden.

_It's fine, _I told myself. _He ordered me to do it._

I took another tiny step towards Vexen's work, glancing up into his keen emerald eyes in a request for permission. To my surprise, he took my cue and nodded his assent, placing one large, long-fingered hand on my shoulder. With a gentle nudge, he guided me until I stood in front of the hot plate.

"Tell me what you see, Kanatrix," Vexen instructed, sounding oddly eager.

I peered in at the hot plate, my eyes widening as I stared at the amazing sight in front of me.

"There's a large, multifaceted, clear crystal suspended in an aqueous solution of unknown composition," I reported, knowing better than to tell him what I was seeing in layman's terms: a giant heart crystal, the size of my fist, floating in a beaker on the hot plate. "Solution appears to be near boiling; no other precipitate or gaseous byproducts appear present. Crystal is symmetrical, approximately the full size of the 1000mL beaker it is floating in. And...it's heart-shaped," I finished rather lamely, unsure of how else I could report that fact to the scientist.

Behind me, Vexen began to chuckle, his fingers giving my shoulder a surprising squeeze.

"And what do you think of that, Kanatrix?" He laughed, apparently quite pleased with himself, and, perhaps, the opportunity to show off to someone for a change.

"It's absolutely incredible, Vexen!" I exclaimed, turning my head to smile at him over my shoulder. "I've never seen anything like it before; it's positively stunning. It's beautiful. In fact, it might be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. You really created this?"

"I did," Vexen agreed softly, his eyes lighting up.

"You're brilliant," I told the scientist earnestly. "Absolutely genius."

Vexen smirked, withdrawing the gloved hand on my shoulder and elegantly placing it under his chin instead.

"I know," he answered pridefully, giving me a look that clearly said "continue".

"The Organization is lucky to have a scientist as incredible as you, Vexen," I told the man, half stroking his ego and half speaking the truth. He was, honestly, one of the most intelligent men I'd ever met, and I didn't mind brown-nosing if it got me in his good graces. "Without you working on these research projects, we'd never come any closer to understanding the heart...or getting ours back. What you do must be some of the most important work of the Organization."

"Indeed," Vexen crooned, rubbing his chin and eying me thoughtfully. "You're no fool, Kanatrix," he announced after a moment's contemplation. "Unlike many of the other members of our Organization, you see the value in my work. It takes intelligence to see past the superficial side of things and to target what is truly necessary to achieve our goals. Fighting Heartless...bah. What we do here is the true work of the Organization." To my surprise, he extended one large hand, resting it atop my head tenderly. "You have potential, Number XV," the flaxen-haired man murmured, his emerald eyes locking with mine. "Stick with me, and I'll ensure your potential does not go to waste."

My stomach jumped, fluttering, and I was sure I looked like a ridiculous, blushing, dewy-eyed schoolgirl. At the same time, though, I didn't care much. This was the opportunity I'd been waiting for – the chance to learn everything I could from this brilliant man, to have him take me under his wing as an apprentice, not merely a lab-hand.

"I'm indebted to you, Vexen," I gaped, staring at the scientist as if he were an angel. "Thank you."

The rather thin man smiled as kindly as he could at me, patting my head affectionately. I smiled contentedly and nudged my head against his hand slightly.

In the two weeks I'd been in the Castle That Never Was, this was the first time anyone had shown me any degree of affection, and I felt starved for it.

Vexen didn't miss the movement, and chuckled softly to himself.

"Back to titrations with you, Kana," he instructed, nudging me out of the way and returning to his professional, almost icy, demeanor.

I nearly groaned, moving back to the bottle of NaOH (which, incidentally, I had left open), until I realized that he had called me Kana instead of my full name. I glanced up at my mentor before delving back into my own hood, but he was reabsorbed in the beautiful crystal he'd created, his flaxen hair cascading down his shoulders and obscuring his sharp-featured face from me.

All the same, I couldn't help but feel that the Chilly Academic wasn't quite as frigid as I'd thought.


	2. across the floor flits the mechanical to

"across the floor flits the mechanical toy"

Despite my status as Vexen's apprentice, not much changed over the next two weeks. I was resigned to mostly grunt work – titrations (which I now loathed), cleaning Vexen's glassware, and performing simple redox reactions and purifying the resulting compounds. The most exciting thing I'd gotten to do so far was to analyze an unknown substance that my mentor had acquired. Getting to perform multiple tests on it with several reagents with relatively little oversight was rather liberating and invigorating.

And then it was back to titrations, and watching the damn solution moving through the burette drop by painful drop.

Admittedly, I'd gotten a bit faster at them, and could now complete one in perhaps fifteen minutes as opposed to thirty. This was, however, little relief.

"Vexen," I called to the scientist, bleary-eyed. We'd stayed up late last night, working ardently on some secret project, the purpose of which I wasn't privy to. Vexen had merely instructed me on which pieces of glass to clean or which chemicals to bring him. "Titration is done."

The curt sound of brisk footsteps ensued, and Vexen peered around the corner of my lab bench, assessing me with raised eyebrows.

"Record your findings in the leather book on my desk," he instructed, moving over to me and cupping my chin in his great gloved hand. Carefully, he tipped my face up, craning my head back so that my eyes locked with his. Never before had I been so acutely aware of just how much he towered over me. "Write neatly when you do so. ...Kana, you look unwell," he added, almost as an afterthought. His slender brows were frowning, his stunning emerald eyes narrowed sharply.

"Just tired," I responded, trying to shrug off my exhaustion even as my eyelids drooped. Vexen's thumb stroked my cheek idly, and I smiled slightly, knowing the rare gentle contact to be the blond's only way of showing he cared. Well, not cared, per se. Caring was impossible without a heart; in light of that, the small gesture more indicated that he didn't see me as an enemy, which was fine by my equally heartless self.

"You're certain you're tired? Or do you only believe you should be tired?" Vexen had asked this question of me dozens of times in the past couple weeks, teaching me to discern between the illusions my mind created and what few sensations I had left.

"No, Vex," I responded slowly, feeling half-asleep. He noted my failure to use his full name, and cocked his head slightly at me, but otherwise didn't comment. I would have felt grateful if I could; such subtleties were the only way I knew how to indicate to my green-eyed mentor that I didn't see him as an enemy, either. "I'm actually tired this time. Why?"

The tall, slender scientist hesitated, as if something had caught on the tip of his tongue. Before he said anything, though, he lowered his head closer to mine, peering at me as if I had suddenly transformed into one of his chemical specimens.

"You truly are feeling unwell," he murmured, scowling. "Interesting. Kana, in lieu of your ill health, why don't you call it an early night? Go record your latest findings, then go get some dinner and retire for the evening. That would be best for you."

"If I turn in early, that's being weak. And weak Nobodies are fodder for the rest of the Organization," I protested, determined not to appear incapable in front of my mentor. If he could handle the stress, so could I.

"Don't be absurd, Kana," Vexen scowled, still peering at me oddly. "You're more useful fully awake, anyways. Exhaustion will leave you liable to make mistakes."

I nodded resignedly, dropping my eyes from his. Number Four didn't tolerate mistakes in his lab.

"I'll join you at dinner shortly," the scientist informed me, straightening up and finally looking at me as if I was a person again. I nodded, giving the tall blond a weak smile. He acknowledged it with a nod, and I moved past him, heading toward his office behind the lab.

Now that I thought about it, never before had I recorded my own data; Vexen had always guarded his leather lab book closely, unwilling to let me see any of his notes. Surely this was a good sign, then, no? He seemed to be indicating a growing level of trust in me.

The great lab book was nearly impossible to miss, a heavy tome sitting wide open atop a beautiful, white, neatly organized desk. I moved to Vexen's side of the desk, plopping down in his chair and grabbing the nearest quill I could find.

Try though I did, my handwriting invariably looked atrocious next to Vexen's flowing, easily decipherable script. I did my best, though, jotting down the data rather neatly and replacing the quill where I'd found it. As I stood up rather unsteadily, I raised my eyes to find none other than my mentor watching me carefully through the open door.

"Good girl, Kana," he praised, his lips curling into a semblance of a smile as one hand rested against his jaw. My stomach churned. That hadn't been an opportunity afforded me by trust; it had been a test. If I'd taken any longer, or glanced at his other notes...

I'd surely have experienced a very icy side of the Chilly Academic.

"Save me a seat at dinner, won't you?" Vexen nearly purred, suddenly at my side. His long-fingered hand moved from his jaw to clamp down on my tiny shoulder with surprising strength. Cold spread throughout my arm, and I gasped, glancing up at my mentor in fear. His lips only curled upwards even further; he was enjoying his power over me.

"Of course," I managed, trying desperately to wrench my arm away from him and the painful cold that had numbed my fingers. He may have been thin, almost bony even, but he was still stronger than I'd expected.

"Good girl," he cooed, releasing me and petting my hair with mock affection, all trace of his cryogenic powers suddenly gone.

The message was as clear as if he'd spoken it: You did well this time, Kana, but should you ever read my notes about the project, you will find yourself incurring my wrath. This is a warning.

"Run along to dinner now, Kana," the blond instructed, dropping the eery sugary-sweetness from his voice and returning to his professional demeanor. "I'll join you shortly."

Trying to appear calm and unfazed, I rose slowly from Vexen's seat, moving past the man I'd thought I could trust and back into his lab. By the time I'd reached the door, though, I was running.


	3. and grisi's existence embittered

"and grisi's existence embittered"

"Fancy seeing you here, Kanatrix," Larxene giggled, waving a small, gloved hand at me. I offered her an unsteady smile, trying not to show that I was breathing heavily, having just run up three flights of stairs. Once I'd left Vexen's lab, I hadn't stopped running. Even though I knew the man couldn't catch up to me after the first flight – and probably wouldn't actually harm me even if he did – I couldn't stop running. I had to outdistance myself from...something. I wasn't quite sure what, but the obsessive need to run up the stairs had been powerful enough, as if it came from some base instinct.

"Hi, Larxene," I chirped, trying to appear friendly. As far as I knew, Larxene was the only other female in the entire Organization; surely that fact alone dictated that we should be friends and watch each other's backs, no? "What's up?"

"Oh, just looking for Vexen," she shrugged, her green eyes flashing. "You wouldn't happen to know where Number Four is, would you, dear?"

"Oh! Actually, yeah! Vex is down in his lab right now," I answered quickly, allowing my smile to grow wider. Larxene's eyes narrowed slightly, but only for a moment.

"How very predictable of him," she sighed, but soon shrugged it off. "Thank you, little Kana," she cooed, her voice suddenly sounding very much like Vexen's eerily sweet tone earlier. She gave me a small smile, continuing in the same sugared tone, "You're a doll." I giggled, eager to have helped out Larxene and secretly hoping she held me in slightly higher esteem for it.

"Anytime," I beamed at her as she brushed by me and hastened down the stairs.

After making my way up a few more flights of stairs, I had finally made my way into the Grey Area. Dinner appeared to be informal today, with most members of the Organization lounging on the couches and picking at their food. The Superior, I noted, was nowhere to be found among them.

"Dinner's in the kitchen, Kanatrix," a tall, dark man with black dreadlocks informed me. I hadn't seen much of him before, but I was fairly certain Vexen had referred to him as Xaldin.

"Thank you," I squeaked, darting past him and into the kitchen. An amazing assortment of aromas hit me as soon as I walked in. The counters were chock-full of trays of piping-hot food, all arranged buffet-style. My mouth was practically watering; I hadn't realized how hungry I was...

"'Scuse me, dollface," a man drawled, appearing out of seemingly nowhere. I bumped into his back clumsily, my overeager dive for the barbeque chicken suddenly interrupted by his appearance.

"Hey!" I squealed, stumbling backwards and staring up at the man angrily. Who did he think he was?

"What's the matter?" The man laughed, grabbing the last three pieces of chicken. My face fell; I'd only wanted one piece... "I said excuse me!"

I glared up at the man, feeling furious. I'd definitely never seen him before, and couldn't place him. He was tall, though not quite as tall as Vexen, and certainly more built than my thin mentor. His long, black hair, pulled back neatly in a ponytail, showed a few thick streaks of gray.

"But I was here first!" I snapped, putting one hand defiantly on my hip and scowling up at the strange man's back. I wasn't sure what I was doing; surely, it'd be smarter to let the man have his way. All the same, I was tired, cranky, and still felt frustrated from my encounter with Vexen earlier. I'd been walked over enough for one day.

"Too bad," the man drawled, moving down the buffet line to grab some pasta salad. I waited, dumbstruck, for a moment, before stalking after him angrily.

"Look, could I at least have one piece of chicken?" I growled, trying to sound reasonable.

"As if," the man chuckled, finally turning to face me. I gasped and took a step backwards; his face was hideous, tan skin marred by a giant scar that ran up his whole left cheek. His right eye appeared to be completely missing, covered by a large eyepatch, and his remaining eye gleamed a feral yellow. He noticed my reaction and grinned. "Aw, c'mon, sweets. Am I really that ugly?"

Before I could respond, he'd grabbed my chin in his thick hand, wrenching my face to look up at him.

"No, it's not that-" I stuttered, feeling extraordinarily disoriented.

"You're Vexen's new little pet, aren't you?" The scarred man grinned, rubbing my cheek with one rough thumb. The gesture was predatorial, completely devoid of the implied affection that Vexen conveyed with his touch. "Kanatrix, right?"

"That's my name," I agreed, my eyes blazing to life with defiance. "And I'm not his pet, I'm his apprentice -"

"Fiesty little thing," The man purred, squeezing my jaw harder, his fingers crushing my smaller bones. "Cute. Tell me, are you that spirited in bed, too?"

"_Excuse me?_" I shrieked, grabbing his arm with both my hands and wrenching him away from me. "Who do you think you are?"

"The name's Xigbar, dollface," he smirked, waggling his eyebrows at me. I nearly vomited. "Do you want my number to go with that, too?"

"Absolutely not!" I yelled, moving away from him. He stepped towards me dangerously, his feral yellow eye leering at me. I sent the best retort I could at him, hoping to strike a sore spot and send him running away, tail between his legs. "Why would I want _your _number, _old man_?"

"Old man? As if," he laughed, grinning down at me like I'd just become the barbeque chicken he intended on snacking on. I swallowed hard; this wasn't good. My taunt had only seemed to provoke his interest more than before. Where was Vexen? Vexen cared about me; he'd protect me...but where was he? "You _are _a fiesty little thing. And to think, Vexen's been keeping you all to himself..." This time, Xigbar cupped the back of my head in his hand, his harsh grip making me wince in pain.

"Let go of me!" I yelled, socking him hard in the gut.

"You're gonna have to do better than that, dollface," Xigbar murmured, lowering his face to mine. I could smell his breath, we were so close; the damn bastard had clearly eaten some barbeque chicken earlier.

"Let _go _of me!" This time, my fist connected with his jaw.

"Xigbar," a low voice rumbled. I would have spun around to see who it was, but the disgusting man had still hung on to his crushing grip on my upper neck. "Let go of her."

"Aw, c'mon, we were just playing," Xigbar grinned, reluctantly removing his hand from my skin.

"She certainly didn't look like she was enjoying your game," the deep voice murmured, sounding mildly amused. I flushed hotly; this wasn't funny! I glared at Xigbar, mustering up every bit of disgust I had for the man and throwing it at him, like daggers, through my eyes. Once I was certain I'd gotten the message across, I whipped around to see who was speaking.

The Superior.

I gasped in nervousness; I'd only really been around the Superior once or twice, and, naturally, he intimidated me greatly. Behind the tall, silver-haired man, I could make out Vexen. The flaxen-haired scientist was breathing heavily and was staring at the floor. For a moment, I strongly considered running to Vexen's side and hiding behind him. My mentor would protect me, would he not?

But then, that would make me weak. I remained put.

"As if, Xemnas," Xigbar laughed, responding before I'd absorbed the whole situation. "She was just giving me something to remember her by, weren't you, sweetlips?" The man grinned ferally down at me, and I scowled up at him, trying to show no fear. "Give me a call tonight, baby, and I'll be glad to return the favor." He winked his remaining yellow eye, blowing me a kiss as he strutted past Xemnas.

"Call _you_?" I shouted after him. "As if!"

"Hey, now you're talking my language, dollface," he called back to me. "I can tell we'd get along real well, if you know what I mean..."

"Shut up!" I shrieked after him, my fists clenching at my sides.

"Kanatrix," Xemnas interrupted, stepping towards me and resting his hand on my shoulder. "That's enough."

"But -" I began to protest. Wasn't there some rule against harassment or something?

"Xigbar didn't hurt you?" Xemnas inquired, gazing tenderly into my eyes with his warm, golden ones. My breath caught for a moment. Not even Vexen looked at me like that...

"No, sir," I responded dutifully, dropping my eyes from the Superior's.

"Then let's drop the issue, yes?" The Superior prompted, squeezing my shoulder gently and moving to get some of the pasta salad. I nodded my acquiescence, falling into step behind Vexen. My mentor didn't even raise an eyebrow at me.

I supposedly couldn't feel pain, but still, that somehow hurt.

I picked through the food offerings peckishly, feeling as if my appetite had vanished. Today just wasn't my day. All the same, I forced myself to grab a few things to eat, including some pasta salad and bread rolls.

"You need to eat a protein," Vexen informed me, his voice somehow quiet, almost strangled. Was he all right? "Get some sort of meat."

I groaned. The only meat left was some meatballs, and I abhorred red meat. Wasn't there anything else?

"Now, Kana," Vexen ordered. I shuffled to the meatballs and plopped one on my plate reluctantly, moving back to my mentor's side with my head downcast.

Something wet streamed down my cheek, and I brushed it away unthinkingly, too absorbed in my misery. Not only had I been miserable during the past two weeks as a Nobody, but I'd also stayed up doing grunt work until 3 last morning, only to be threatened the next day by my teacher, the only man I trusted in this building, then harassed by that disgusting Xigbar, and now I had to eat food that I found repulsive. Right then and there, I wanted to leave my food, go crawl in my bed, and not come out until tomorrow morning.

"Kana," Vexen sighed, slowing down when he realized I wasn't following him any longer. He stepped towards me, touching my chin lightly with one long finger and tilting it up tenderly. I glared at the man defiantly for a moment before dropping my eyes, allowing more tears to trickle down my face. "You are the most bizarre Nobody I've ever met. I don't understand you," my mentor admitted, shaking his head. His voice still sounded odd, choked somehow. I pulled away from his gentle finger, not wanting to have anyone else touch me. I'd been manhandled enough throughout the day, and, quite frankly, I was tired of everyone making me look up at them. If I wanted to stare at my shoes because I felt like it, then I'd do just that. Vexen sighed resignedly at my gesture. "Don't let Xigbar get to you. That's just the way he is. Avoid him if you can." I nodded briskly, still not looking up at the scientist. "You're still crying," Vexen observed, sounding frustrated. I didn't answer him, instead trying not to cry harder. I needed to get my emotions under control, walk out to the Grey Area, and face the Organization – including Xigbar – with a face that showed that I was strong. "Kana, I don't know what to do for you," the blond scientist finally groaned.

I swallowed a lump in my throat. Did he actually want to make me feel better?

Acting on impulse, I put my plate down on the counter and pressed my body against Vexen's, wrapping my arms around his middle back and burying my face in his broad chest. He was cold and hard, like a slab of ice, but at least he was there. It was better than standing alone.

To my shock, I heard him set his plate down, too, and then felt the slow but reassuring movement of his wiry arms wrapping around me. Carefully, he placed one hand just above my hip, sitting on the curve of my waist; the other rested on the lower part of my back. I sniffled into his chest for a moment, noticing the distinct lack of a heartbeat in the thin, yet broad, rib cage.

After a few seconds in Vexen's arms, I recomposed myself, wiping my tears away and sliding out of my mentor's embrace.

"Thank you," I murmured, giving him a small smile. He returned it with a small nod.

"Things will get easier for you with time, Kana," Vexen told me, picking up his plate again. I followed suit, trotting after him. "My first few weeks as a Nobody were difficult, too. Everyone's is."

I sat down on a couch next to the flaxen-haired Nobody and began picking at my food, wishing for all the world I knew what to make of him.


	4. the assyrian came down like the wolf on

"the assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold"

"Thank you for dinner, Xaldin," I chirped, trying to sound as unfazed as possible, especially since Xigbar was picking slowly, deliberately, at his barbeque chicken on the couch directly across from mine. "It was really good."

"Glad to hear it," the large Nobody nodded back at me, taking both my and Vexen's cleaned plates courteously. I smiled up at Xaldin; as intimidating as he appeared, he seemed relatively harmless. Perhaps I could make a friend out of him. I glanced over at Vexen, wondering if my mentor was going to say anything to thank Xaldin as well, but surprisingly, he remained silent, his head and eyes downcast.

"Vexen," a female voice called, followed quickly by Larxene leaning against the back of the couch we were occupying. "I think I need to have another chat with you tomorrow, if that's all right?"

"Kana, you should go retire for the night," Vexen murmured, sounding – and looking, for that matter – very defeated. What was wrong? This was so unlike the domineering scientist I saw in the lab. "Get your rest."

"Vexen," Larxene sang, her voice gentle yet dangerous at the same time. I glanced back at her, noticing the predatorial gleam in her green eyes. Were the two of them...involved with each other? Was this some sort of lover's quarrel? Not waiting to find out and be caught in the middle of it, I stood up from the couch, stretching lazily.

"Woo," Xigbar whistled from his spot on the couch in front of me, grinning slyly at me. "Aw, don't stop, babe, I liked the show. Stretch some more!"

"Good night, Vex," I beamed at my mentor, pointedly ignoring the maimed man. "See you in the lab tomorrow morning?" I could practically feel Larxene's eyes drilling through me. Had I said something wrong?

"Be in the lab by 8:00 sharp," Vexen ordered quietly. "I'll see you then. Good night."

I nodded at the emerald-eyed scientist (or was he my friend? I wasn't sure), and smiled earnestly at Larxene. She gave me a rather pointed smile back, moving to take my place on the couch, and I hastened out of the Grey Area, ready to forget about the day I'd endured.

I walked down my hallway, yawning and stretching as I stumbled towards my door.

"Oh boy," a familiar voice drawled, making me jump. "I finally get to see the rest of that show."

"Xigbar," I hissed. What was he even doing here? "How did you find me?" I was certain the scarred man hadn't followed me, nor had he passed me in the hall.

"I control space, dollface," Xigbar crooned, taking a step closer to me. "I can be wherever I want. Tell me, sugar," he continued, waggling his eyebrows at me, "what's your power?"

I ignored him, brushing past the disgusting Nobody and hoping to make it into the safety of my room.

"You don't know, do you?" Xigbar began laughing, grabbing my shoulder and spinning me to face him. He placed his palms on the wall, pinning me there with his body. "You haven't even found your power yet!" He laughed harder, infuriating me more than ever before. "Sweetlips, you're making this too easy for me." One of his palms began roaming down my side, caressing my waist.

"I'll tell the Superior," I warned, unable to think of anything else to say. To my surprise, Xigbar's features actually fell at my threat, and he stepped away from me, scowling.

"Playing hard to get, huh, babe?" He growled, leering at me. "You'll come around soon enough. What do you have to go do that's so exciting, anyways?"

"I'm going to sleep," I retorted, not sure why I even deigned to answer the irksome Nobody.

Xigbar scoffed.

"I could show you a better time tonight, if you'd just let me," he snapped, crossing his arms over his chest grumpily. This time, I did choose to ignore him, still amazed that my threat to tell the Superior had worked. As I unlocked my door, Xigbar called after me, "Dream of me tonight, sweetheart!"

I slammed my door behind me as loudly as I could.


	5. it might once have been once only

"it might once have been, once only"

I slept fitfully that night, and woke up not fully rested. I had the distinct impression that last night was filled with nightmares, though I couldn't remember any of them specifically. All the same, as I trotted down to breakfast, I felt more awake than I had just yesterday.

"Morning, Xaldin," I called to the large Nobody, waving up at him. I wanted to be as friendly as possible towards him, figuring that he seemed milder than, say, Xigbar.

"Hmph," the man grunted. I frowned; what was up with everyone here? "Breakfast's in the kitchen, so help yourself."

"Thank you!" I beamed, trying to seem friendly towards him anyways. People had bad days, right? One grumpy response didn't make him a bad person.

I found some cereal in the kitchen and plopped down on a couch in the Grey Area next to Larxene, who was painting her nails and smiling to herself.

"Good morning, Larxene!" I smiled at my fellow female.

"Yes, it is," she giggled, giving me a sly look. "Are you feeling better from yesterday? Vex told me all about how you were in ill health. Poor little Kana," she added in a baby voice.

"Oh, I'm much better, thanks," I beamed, hoping that there might be some potential for friendship between the two of us. "How are you today?"

"I'm...splendid," she grinned, chuckling to herself. I smiled at her and began munching on my cereal, wondering exactly why she was in such a good mood. Maybe Vexen really was her boyfriend, and they'd made up from some argument last night?

"That's good to hear," I mumbled between mouthfuls. "I like that color on your nails, by the way. Matches your eyes."

Larxene held out her hand, splaying her fingers out in front of her so she could admire her handiwork.

"Mm, yes, well. That was my goal," she admitted, looking rather pleased. "Oh, by the way, Kana. Vexy says to tell you that he won't be at breakfast, but he wants you to join him in the lab as soon as you're done eating."

"Oh," I gasped. Had she called him 'Vexy'? And what did that mean? "Did he happen to mention why?"

"No," Larxene shrugged, standing up and closing up her nail polish bottle. "He just said to be there as soon as you could. See you around, Kana."

"Bye, Larxene!" I called after her, feeling, that for once, one of my interactions with another member had been relatively successful. My spirits slightly lifted, I dove into my cereal, eating it as quickly as I could. What did Vexen need me for? I didn't have to be down in the lab for another hour. Was everything all right? Had he discovered something incredible, and he wanted to show off to me again?

I figured that it had to be the latter. Vexen had likely gone back to working in the lab after I retired to my room last night, and he'd more likely than not found something of significance. He probably needed to show off, or else debrief me on his findings before he set me to work again.

I barely tasted my cereal as I inhaled it, rushing to throw my plate in the dishwasher in the kitchen before heading off for the lab.

I was two floors away from the basement, breathing a bit harder than usual from the endless running, when a familiar voice called after me.

"Good morning, sweetlips."

I groaned, running faster and ignoring the man behind me.

"I said 'good morning, sweetlips'," Xigbar repeated, a bit more tersely. I refused to turn around and face him, instead picking up the pace down the stairs to a full sprint. With any luck, the old man would blow out his knees or something.

"Why are you following me?" I asked, whirling around to face the man with the scar after he had managed to keep up with me for a full flight. I glared at the man, putting my hands on my hips defiantly and puffing out my chest. He shrugged lackadaisically, flipping his long ponytail behind his shoulder.

"You're the prettiest thing around here to look at, babe," he answered offhandedly, leaning against the wall casually. I glared at him; did he think he looked cool or something? "And that would make you the prettiest thing to play with, too," he purred with a wink of his good eye. "If you'd just relax and let me play with you, that is -"

"Don't you have anything better you could be doing?" I snapped, not caring that I was interrupting him. He was, to be sure, stronger than me (probably stronger than Vexen, by the looks of him), taller than me, and he did control space, while I had yet to find my power...but as long as I had the Superior's protection on my side, I was untouchable. He knew that. "Don't you have a mission you could be on?"

"I could be on it, yeah," he shrugged, smiling playfully. "But c'mon, pretty lady," he growled, grabbing my wrist and jerking me towards him. "I'd rather spend some quality time with your sweet ass than with those Heartless I get stuck killing." He wound his free hand around my waist, sneaking it down lower with every word he spoke. Before he got too far, I kneed him where the sun doesn't shine, watching him gasp and double over as I darted several steps down the stairs, away from him.

"You wretched, disgusting man," I hissed, watching his face as it contorted in pain. "I hope that someday, some Heartless manages to kill you. In fact, I hope I'm there to watch it." I spat my words with no remorse, feeling grateful, for the first time, that I could feel none.

I fled down a few more steps before checking over my shoulder to see if he was following me. To my relief, he was still curled up in pain on the stairs, his feral yellow eye watered up in pain; I let out a sigh of relief before running down to the safety of Vexen's lab. As my feet carried me swiftly down the steps, I almost imagined that I'd seen some sorrow in that yellow eye too.

But only almost.


	6. merciful to those that ask mercy, not of

"merciful to those that ask mercy, not often to the arrogant"

"Vexen?" I called for my mentor, pushing open the lab door cautiously. He didn't respond, and I poked my head in, calling for him again. "Vex? Larxene said you needed to see me...?"

When I got no response yet again, I walked into the lab, peering around to try and find the tall flaxen blond. Even when he was working in the hood, he usually heard me and responded to me. Where was he now?

"Vexen?"

Maybe I'd imagined it, but I thought I heard something from the very back of the lab. Of course! Vexen must be in his office, probably doing paperwork. There was no reason for him to do experiments without me around; as small a role as I played, I did make his work more efficient by cleaning up after him and doing time-consuming grunt work.

I bounced over to his office, calling for the emerald-eyed scientist yet again.

"Vexen?"

A soft cry, choked with pain, came from the office.

"Vexen? What's going on?" I squeaked, pushing the office door open briskly. "Vex! Oh my God, what happened...?" I gasped, rushing to the emerald-eyed scientist's side. His limp body was slumped against a wall, his black Organization cloak torn open to reveal his pale, thin chest...coated in blood.

I knelt beside the scientist, pressing my hand to his cheek and gently turning his head until he faced me. To my surprise, his emerald eyes had welled up with tears.

"I..." he began, his voice hoarse. "I didn't want you to see me like this."

"Shh," I crooned, trying not to cry myself. I had to be strong for Vexen; as imperfect as he was, he had held me just last night. I owed him. "Vexen, who did this to you?"

Even though I knew the answer, I asked anyway, wanting to hear it from poor Vexen's lips. After all, only one man had the power to appear down here unseen by anyone else, and after our encounter on the stairs, that same man almost certainly wanted revenge on me, too.

He sucked in a couple breaths rather laboriously before offering his startling reply.

"Larxene."

"What?" I gasped under my breath, pulling away from my mentor in shock. The blond man gave me a pitiful look, though, and I quickly clutched him to my chest protectively, patting his hair.

"This morning, before she went up for breakfast," Vexen managed hoarsely.

"Unbelievable," I whispered, burying my nose in silky flaxen hair. Why would Larxene do this to him? She and I got along fairly well; had Xigbar put her up to this?

"Not really," Vexen laughed weakly. "She's quite the sadist."

"That explains her good mood at breakfast, then," I croaked hoarsely. Nervously, I glanced down at Vexen's bloodied chest. He appeared to only have superficial wounds, probably caused by knives, though they were numerous and probably quite painful. "Vexen, do you think you can stand?" I tried keeping my voice as gentle as possible, but even with my best efforts, I worried that a hint of panic had seeped through.

"I'd rather not," he admitted quietly, giving me a small smile and dropping his head against my shoulder. I nodded in understanding, leaning my cheek against his crown as I continued to stroke his hair.

"I need to go get some first aid supplies, then," I informed my emerald-eyed mentor, gently shifting him off my shoulder. He glanced up at me, terror in his eyes.

"Don't leave," he implored me, his hands clutching at his own bloody chest. "Just cast Curaga."

"Cast...what?" I asked blankly, feeling extraordinarily stupid.

"No, never mind. I'll do it myself. Go into the top drawer of my desk and bring me back the large flask filled with green liquid. It's a Hi-Potion," Vexen ordered. I nodded at the man, brushing a strand of his long blond hair behind his ear, pulling it out of the smear of blood on his chest that had stained the flaxen tresses red.

I located the Hi-Potion as quickly as I could, rushing back to my mentor's side and uncorking the flask for him. He had, quite obviously, mustered up enough strength to cast Curaga; his chest had stopped bleeding, and most of the blood had been cleaned up by the spell, as well. As he chugged the mysterious, slightly luminescent green liquid, I pushed aside his cloak slightly to get a better view of the damage inflicted on his chest.

Etched on his pale skin, very finely and delicately, were the words:

"XII was here."


	7. and their hearts but once heaved, and fo

"and their hearts but once heaved, and forever grew still"

Vexen had insisted on working through the day, though I, in turn, insisted that he allow me to disinfect his wounds and bandage them. Under the words "XII was here" were a series of barely-healed scratches; I could only assume that Larxene had inflicted those on him yesterday, when she had been looking for him on the stairs. That would explain his strangled voice at dinnertime, at least. But if he had chosen not to tell me about it, I had to suppress my curiosity and refrain from asking.

The day dragged by with Vexen even less talkative than usual, though understandably so.

"Fifteen," he snapped finally, emerald eyes glaring harshly at me. "You're hovering. You have been all day."

"Right," I gulped, dropping my eyes and stepping back from the man. "Just worried about you."

"You're not really," Vexen said coldly, an odd chill entering the air. "You only think you should be."

I frowned at the scientist. Was that really true though? Why did I really feel like I cared, then? Could the illusion of my mind truly be so powerful?

"That will be all for the day, Fifteen," Vexen broke into my thoughts, refusing to look at me, even as he addressed me. Why was he calling me Fifteen all of a sudden, anyways? I much preferred being called Kana. "Clean your equipment and you're dismissed for the day. Enjoy your dinner."

"Vex?" I asked cautiously. I'd felt like I'd been walking on eggshells around him all day. "Will you be joining me for dinner?"

"No," he replied curtly, spinning on his heel and stalking off to his office.

"Why not?" I ventured. I couldn't afford to let him withdraw from me; he was the only one in this Organization who at least pretended to care about me. Without him, my nonexistence would be even more miserable than it had proven to be so far. "Join me, please?"

"Stop pretending you care," the blond spat, wheeling back to face me. His face contorted with anger, he stalked towards me, sending a chill mist toward me. "If I had faded back into Darkness today at Larxene's hands, you wouldn't have even felt a single ounce of real sadness. Stop _acting_ like you would! It's maddening and confusing! You don't _deserve_ to be able to pretend you feel like that! You're nothing, the same as me! You feel nothing!"

I didn't wait for Vexen to continue. The man was certainly wounded, but even in his current state, he was still much stronger than my powerless self. Uncertain of what else to do, I sprinted out of his lab for the second time, running up the stairs and pushing back tears in my eyes.

They weren't even real tears, right?

But why couldn't I stop them from falling?

Why couldn't I just learn to fit in here? Why did I feel so different?

By the time I'd made it up to the Grey Area, I had stopped crying, and had even checked in a mirror to make sure that my eyes weren't red. To my surprise, no one was eating in the Grey Area, despite the fact that it was certainly dinnertime.

"Kanatrix," an elegant male voice called out to me. "Come join us. We're in the dining hall tonight."

I darted toward the source of the voice, relieved that, for once, it was someone other than Xigbar who had noticed me.

"Number Eleven," the stunning, pink-haired man said by way of introduction. He held out a gloved hand, and I took it eagerly, giving him a firm handshake. I had to establish that I wasn't weak. "The Graceful Assassin. Or, if you'd prefer, you may call me Marluxia."

"Pleased to meet you, Marluxia," I said with a polite smile and a nod of my head.

"I've heard plenty about you, Kanatrix," the beautiful man continued, sweeping his arm towards the dining hall, indicating for me to follow him.

"You have?" I choked out. As far as I knew, I was a nobody among Nobodies, the outcast that no one respected or wanted to ally themselves with.

"Certainly," Marluxia confirmed, fixing me with the most beautiful blue eyes I'd ever seen. I tried not to melt right on the spot. "As our newest recruit, you're a bit of a celebrity...and an enigma. Come, have a seat next to me."

I obeyed the handsome Nobody, wishing that he didn't have to be so damned attractive.

"Xaldin says dinner will be ready in a few minutes' time," the pink-haired man explained, noticing how I glanced at the bare table uncertainly. "The Superior wants to eat formally today; apparently he has an announcement, you see." I nodded silently, noticing Xemnas' position at the far head of the rectangular table. To my surprise, the Superior was watching me carefully, an unreadable expression in his golden eyes. At his right hand sat the infuriating Xigbar, who waggled his eyebrows suggestively at me when my gaze swept over him. Disgusted, I showed no reaction, instead noticing that nearly everyone was present except for Vexen, Larxene, Xaldin, and two other Nobodies I hadn't met yet. "In the meantime, though, I thought we could talk."

"About what?" I asked rather bluntly, my cheery facade wearing thin.

"Anything," Marluxia shrugged, smiling slightly. I scowled slightly; surely he had something in mind. He was a Nobody, same as everyone else, after all, and I had learned that Nobodies weren't as inclined to make friendships as they were to pursue their own plans. "I hear you're Vexen's pride and joy."

"Hm." I wasn't so sure about that after Vexen's recent outburst.

"Is this not true?" Marluxia prodded, leaning his elbow on the table and placing his chin elegantly in his hand. "And here I thought you were a brilliant little prodigy, Kanatrix."

"I'm his apprentice," I responded with a shrug. "But I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm his pride and joy. He's a bit angry at me right now."

"Nonsense," Marluxia tutted, frowning slightly. "He's not really angry, you only think he is. If you're as skilled an assistant as I hear you are, he'll welcome you back readily. Talent matters more to the Organization than any illusions created by our false emotions."

I turned to face Marluxia more fully, suddenly interested in conversation with the pretty boy again. He was right; Vexen wasn't really angry, but only acting on what his brain believed was the appropriate emotional response to the situation. False feelings meant nothing to the Nobody; my usefulness in the lab, however, meant an increase in Vexen's work efficiency.

"You're right," I nodded. "Thank you for pointing that out. It's just... a bit difficult for me to remember that emotions aren't real. I'll learn with time."

"Yes," Marluxia agreed. "It's always difficult to remember that at first. But anyways, Kanatrix. I haven't heard what yet what your power is."

I suddenly became aware that the entire table had gone painfully quiet.

"I don't know my power yet," I murmured to Marluxia, hoping that the other Nobodies wouldn't hear me. Sure, they would find out the embarrassing truth sooner or later, but I'd rather not have to announce it to them myself.

"What did she say? I didn't hear," A red-haired man with teardrop tattoos asked, turning to the blue-haired man seated next to him. Xigbar, unfortunately, took this as his cue to interrupt.

"Dollface said she doesn't know her power yet," the scarred man drawled, winking at me. I stood up abruptly, slamming my palms down on the table.

"My name isn't 'dollface', it's -"

"Oh, Kanatrix," a sickly sweet, feminine voice called. "It seems you're in my seat." Something in me roiled up with fury, coiling around my stomach with the ferality of a cobra ready to strike. Larxene was the absolute last person I wanted to deal with right now. After what she did to Vexen, even Xigbar seemed preferable to her.

"I'm sorry, Larxene," I cooed, arranging my features into an innocent smile as I turned to face the other female Organization member. "I didn't notice your name on this seat." Despite my words, I made no effort to move, and Larxene's eyes narrowed at me dangerously.

"Perhaps you're more dense than I'd imagined," she spat, all trace of sweetness vanishing with remarkable speed. "Marluxia is number eleven. I am number twelve. Logic dictates that -"

"That there are five other open seats at the moment," I interjected, begging for her to pick a fistfight with me. Even if I lost, I wanted to give her one good, hard punch in return for what she did to Vexen. Maybe I could break her nose; that might be rewarding. "And none of them have names on them, just like this seat! Amazing!"

"You filthy little weakling," Larxene growled, reaching out to grab the lapel of my Organization cloak with one finely manicured hand. "I'm higher ranked than you. You listen to me, Fifteen. Get out of my seat now."

I didn't hesitate. I socked her hard in the nose, feeling the rewarding gush of blood over my fist. She stumbled back, yet did not fall, and I pushed aside my seat, more than eager to square off with her. A second punch would just be bonus at this point.

"That was for what you did to Vexen," I snarled, dropping my weight into a comfortable fighting stance. Apparently, the martial arts lessons I'd taken as a Somebody would prove to actually pay off in my nonexistence.

"You found out about that, did you?"

"I'm not that stupid."

"My mistake," she quipped. I growled, pushing in and aiming to give her another good jab to the nose. I realized too late that I'd been baited, though, and soon felt a surge of power moving through my whole body. My muscles tightened and convulsed, suddenly out of my own power to control. Unable to coordinate my own standing, I dropped to the ground.

Larxene's power, I realized foggily, was apparently lightning.

The blond witch was standing above me, kicking me in the ribs, though I didn't feel it. Every nerve in my body was still on electrical overload.

Something deep in my chest tightened, telling me to hate her. It squeezed around the hole where my heart should have been, clutching the absence, sinking its venomous fangs into my being. It roiled up in me when I thought of Vexen's smooth, fragile chest, bleeding and marred by Larxene's knives. It undulated in furious waves when I thought of the humiliation she was causing me, even now, sending yet another bolt through my body in front of the whole Organization. It throbbed against my rib cage, begging for release, when I realized she was laughing, enjoying every ounce of pain she had inflicted on both me and my mentor.

At first I was afraid of whatever it was, this serpentine feeling of darkness lurking inside of me.

But as it whispered quietly to me, telling me not to keep control, to hate her, to want to cause her pain, too, I felt my grasp over it slipping.

And then it exploded.

I could barely feel my own consciousness; nothing reached my mind save for the all-consuming eruption of pure fury, pure willpower, inside of me. I let it overpower me, planning on drifting off, painlessly, while it raged within me.

Apparently, it had other plans, because my consciousness began leaking back to me.

I became aware of my hearing first. A high-pitched female voice was screaming at the top of her lungs, shrieking in agony.

Probably myself, I realized bitterly.

Then the dark veil that covered my vision began peeling away, and I found myself looking at Larxene, curled up on the floor, her hands clutching her skull while her face was contorted in the desperate scream I had been hearing.

I felt no pity. My brain thought I should, but I couldn't.

Something inside me told me she deserved it, anyways. And with that, I watched her scream, not stopping whatever was inside me that was causing her so much pain.

"Please, make it stop!" Larxene screeched. I propped myself up and hoisted myself into a standing position, my muscles still tremulous and unreliable from her earlier assaults. The entire table of Organization XIII members were watching me now, and in the doorway, Xaldin and Vexen were both stopped dead in their tracks. I sent a smile at my mentor, hoping he was enjoying his revenge against the women who'd scarred him.

"Please! Stop!" Larxene yelled again, then continued screeching. After a long moment of memorizing her face in agony, I recaptured the strange power within me, pulling it back under my control. Larxene's screaming immediately stopped, and her body went slack on the floor, unconscious.

Silently, I moved to reclaim my seat next to Marluxia, who smiled appreciatively at me.

"Well, well," he chuckled, breaking the uncomfortable silence. "Looks like we've found Kanatrix's power."

I gave a small, proud smile up at the pink-haired man before reeling forward, my vision fading.


	8. the ghosts of my life are wilder than th

"the ghosts of my life are wilder than the wind"

When I woke up, my whole body felt completely rigid, as if each of my muscles had gone into rigor mortis. It wasn't quite painful, but I had the distinct impression that I should definitely not try to move.

At the same time, my whole body was warm and comfortable, and I felt as if I'd gotten a whole night's sleep. I relaxed, figuring I could just drift off and try getting an extra half-hour of sleep before my alarm went off.

But then, a quiet voice began nagging in the back of my mind, telling me that where I had fallen asleep, it had been pretty chilly, and certainly not as comfortable as my bed. I bolted upright clumsily, my body immediately hating myself for it. I was, indeed, in my bed, wrapped in my blankets, but I had last remembered being in the dining hall...

"Lay back down, Kana," a familiar voice intoned. Slightly panicked, I managed to work my neck muscles, looking up and noticing none other than Vexen perched awkwardly at the edge of my bed. "You passed out at the table after taking down Larxene."

I collapsed backwards on my bed with a sigh.

"I feel like hell," I admitted, my jaw muscles aching even as I spoke.

"You look it, too," Vexen agreed, fixing one emerald eye on me. I groaned, wishing I could melt into my bed. "Do you expect you'll be able to function tomorrow?"

"Of course," I said determinedly, setting my jaw. This was his way of inviting me back down to the lab, I was sure of it. He wasn't mad at me after all! I couldn't possibly tell him that I was too weak to make my return into his good graces. "I'll be down in the lab in the morning."

"No, Kana," Vexen murmured, dropping his eyes. My jaw dropped. What did he mean, 'no'? "The Superior has ordered you to go on your first mission tomorrow. With the discovery of your inner abilities, Number One believes it best to start putting you to use in the field."

"But...but my work in the lab with you-" I began, my throat choking up. I didn't want to leave the lab. Sure, Vexen lost his temper with me sometimes, but he was the most reliable friend I'd found around here. I couldn't possibly be expected to walk away from that...

"I spoke with the Superior concerning your laboratory work," Vexen interrupted me. "He's willing to allow you to remain in my lab two to four days out of the week, depending on where you're needed most."

"Thank you," I gasped, smiling at the blond. "Honestly, thank you so much, Vex. I'm so happy I don't have to-"

"You aren't _happy_," the scientist snapped, a shadow passing over his face. "Stop saying you are. Nor would you have been sad if you had to leave me. Don't pretend that you would have been." His fists balled at his side, he stood up, heading towards the door.

"But you're the closest thing to a friend I have here," I blurted out. "You look out for me in a way no one else does, you teach me more than I've learned from anyone here so far, you don't hold grudges when I make stupid mistakes, and...and I don't want to lose that. And I don't have to, because you stepped in and spoke to the Superior. So why _can't_ I act happy about it?"

"Because," he shouted, his voice almost a screech. "My own _son_ cannot show pain over my death as a Somebody – a death he witnessed. I'll never see him cry for me. I'll never hear him tell me that he misses the way we used to be. I'll never know if he even remembers what he was to me! _I loved him," _Vexen gasped, his voice suddenly a hoarse whisper. "And if he can't show pain over losing me, then you don't deserve to pretend at that pain, either."

"Vexen," I gaped, staring bluntly at the blond scientist. He was a father? "I...I didn't -"

"The memory's wiles can be cruel, Kana," Vexen murmured, turning and placing his hand on the doorknob. "Don't let your memory chain you to a life of meaningless emotions. Free yourself from that chain, if you can."

With that, he was gone, leaving me exhausted, alone, and confused.


	9. the dancer, by this time, has turned her

"the dancer, by this time, has turned her back; he is the more intelligent by far"

I had almost considered going down to the Grey Area to socialize with my fellow Nobodies, but thought better of it when I remembered how unfriendly a lot they really were. With nothing to do but eat the cold dinner Vexen had left by my nightstand and worry over what my mission in the field might be tomorrow, I soon passed out and slept deeply through the night.

Still worried about my mission, I woke up early, feeling anxious and fidgety. Unable to fall back asleep, I decided I might as well go eat breakfast and perhaps embark on my mission a bit earlier than most would.

"Morning, Kana," Xaldin rumbled with an extraordinarily awkward smile.

"Good morning Xaldin!" I chirped, wondering if maybe yesterday morning had just been a bad time for him. He certainly seemed more friendly today, at any rate. "How are you?"

"Fine," Xaldin shrugged, sticking one thumb out over his shoulder in the direction of the kitchen. "There's a special breakfast in there, so go help yourself."

"Oh wow," I beamed, my spirits slightly lifted. Maybe they weren't such an unfriendly bunch after all? Xaldin, at least, seemed tolerable, if somewhat moody. At least he was a good cook. "I can't wait to see what it is! Thanks Xaldin!" Flashing him my best smile, I skipped off to the kitchen, noticing that nobody else seemed to be down in the Grey Area yet. I was apparently earlier than I'd thought.

To my delight, Xaldin had whipped up mounds and mounds of pancakes, waffles, flapjacks, and crepes. I snatched a plate and dove into the stacks, reminding myself with every fluffy pancake I grabbed that the sideburned man was obviously a gift from heaven to the Organization. I shoved a pancake into my mouth, unable to resist any longer. Just how early had Xaldin woken up to do this, anyways?

"You're up early, Number 15," a deep voice, like cold velvet, intoned. Embarrassed at being caught with a pancake hanging out of my mouth, I nonetheless glanced over my shoulder to see who was speaking to me.

A man with long blue hair was politely picking pancakes from the stacks, eying me with sharp golden eyes set between an x-shaped scar. If I remembered correctly, the red-haired man at dinner last night had asked him if he'd heard what my power was.

"Nervous for today," I explained, tearing off a bite of the pancake and setting the rest down on my plate. "It's my first mission."

"I'm aware," the blue-haired man nodded with the tiniest of smiles. "I don't think we've met before, Fifteen. I'm number Seven, and my name is Saix. Number One charges me with running the Grey Area efficiently and sending our members on missions."

"Oh, wow," I gasped, swallowing the chunk of pancake and feeling like a total fool. Saix was obviously extremely high-ranking in the Organization. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Saix. I'm Kanatrix."

Saix merely nodded serenely, making me feel even more foolish. Of course he knew my name. And of course he knew that I wasn't really pleased to meet him at all; why did I keep using such emotions to refer to myself? I cringed on the inside, though he didn't yell at me like Vexen had just hours ago.

"Your display of power yesterday was startlingly impressive. Surely you realize that your mission today will likely be easy for you, and no reason to be nervous. That being said, you must stil have a partner accompany you on your first mission. Formalities and all," Saix explained rather disinterestedly as he spread some butter on his breakfast.

"I don't even know what my mission for the day is," I admitted, pouring some maple syrup on my plate rather generously. "Nobody told me. It's good to hear that it'll be easy, though."

"Indeed," Saix agreed, moving back into the Grey Area. Eager to continue conversing with him, I followed the blue-haired man. "You'll be going to Twilight Town and practicing killing Heartless there. Nothing you shouldn't be able to handle."

"Are Heartless hard to kill?" I asked, sitting next to Saix on the white couch and staring at him wide-eyed.

"Some of them, yes," Saix nodded, pausing politely to take a bite of the pancakes. I stuffed my face as he was eating, reminding myself to thank Xaldin generously. The pancakes were heavenly. "The ones you'll be facing in Twilight Town will be as weak as they come, however. And like I said, you'll have a partner in case anything goes wrong."

"Okay," I agreed, feeling reassured already. This didn't sound so hard, and Saix certainly believed that I'd defeat the Heartless with ease. "Hey, by the way, who's my partner supposed to be today?"

Saix smirked then.

"The Superior chose your partner specifically, with the goal that you may learn to work cooperatively with him," Saix informed me, still smirking but no longer looking at me. "Internal conflict resolution is an important part of the Organization, you see."

My heart – or the heart I didn't have, rather – sank.

"No, no, no," I groaned, letting my head drop backwards against the couch. "Don't tell me -" I whined up to the high, vaulted ceiling.

"You'll be working with the Freeshooter today," Saix confirmed, his smooth voice a mixture of professionalism and apology. "Xigbar."

I'd been bartering with Saix for the last half-hour, trying to see if I could wrangle any of the other Organization members into accompanying me on my first mission, pointing to each one as they entered the kitchen. Truth be told, I'd sooner work with even Larxene than with Xigbar; at least Larxene I could now keep in check. Saix denied me the option of working with her, though, as he had denied my previous requests of working with Marluxia, Xaldin, a red-haired man, and a slouchy teenager with a sitar slung on his back.

"Can I just go it alone, then?" I asked timidly, afraid that I was pushing the boundaries of the man's nearly infinite patience. "Like you said, it'll be a cakewalk for me." I wasn't sure of that myself, but I'd sooner take on a swarm of the weakest Heartless myself than have to deal with Xigbar at the same time, too.

"Orders are orders, Kanatrix," Saix informed me, shaking his head. A small smile played across his lips. "I cannot disobey the Superior. I must send Xigbar with you on your mission."

I sighed resignedly.

"Okay," I nodded, staring forlornly at my empty plate. "Sorry to have bothered you, Saix. I just thought it'd be worth a shot."

"Can't say I blame you," Saix admitted. "The Freeshooter can be quite a handful."

I almost asked who the Freeshooter was supposed to be, but I assumed he must have meant Xigbar. Apparently, it was some sort of code-name or something.

"If you'll excuse me, I must go attend to my duties now," Saix said politely, standing up.

"Of course," I nodded, standing up as well. "I can take your plate if you'd like." Saix handed me his cleaned plate with a gracious nod before heading to the very front of the Grey Room. I trotted off to the kitchen and tossed my dishes in the dishwasher swiftly.

"Hey, Xaldin," I waved at the man, standing on tiptoes to see him through the small crowd of people accumulated around the pancakes. The man saw me and made his way over, pushing past a few Nobodies in the process.

"Yes, Kana?" The man rumbled.

"I just wanted to say thanks for the breakfast!" I smiled up at him, noticing that he seemed a bit grumpier with more people around. "You're really an incredible cook. And you work really hard for us. Nobody else could do what you do, so thank you!"

The praise brought a small smile to the man's lips.

"Glad you enjoyed it," he offered, seeming to be a bit more brusque than he had been earlier this morning. Not eager to stick around and see whether he really was in a grumpier mood, I waved at him again and threw a "see you around!" his way while heading back to the Grey Area.

"Hey, dollface," Xigbar's familiar, unlikable voice purred into my ear, making me jump and whip around. Why did he have to _do _that? Just because he controlled space didn't mean he had to go around practically jumping on everyone, appearing out of nowhere and invading their personal space! "You ready to have a blast today? If you do real well, I might just treat you to a real blast tonight, sugar." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, and I nearly gagged. Did he think he was attractive, even with that god-awful scar and that atrocity of an eyepatch?

"I thought you'd have learned your lesson after our incident on the stairs," I retorted bluntly. He flinched somewhat. _Good, _I thought smugly, making my way over to where two or three people – including Marluxia, that beautiful man – were in line to speak to Saix.

"If you're worried that I'm mad, there's no need," Xigbar chuckled, placing one hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off, not missing a stride. "Gentleman don't hold grudges -"

"I wish you would," I replied curtly. He shut up, folding his arms and standing next to me in line. I ignored him pointedly, staring ahead and watching as Saix opened some sort of dark portal. Marluxia nodded appreciatively at Number Seven before striding calmly into the swirling blackness. Soon, even the vibrant pink of his beautiful, feathered locks had vanished, and the portal closed in on itself. Was that how we got around to missions around here? It seemed pretty creepy and unreliable.

Larxene and the slouchy teenager I'd noticed earlier stepped into the next portal together, and soon it was our turn to speak with Saix. I stepped up to the blue-haired man anxiously, noticing that Xigbar was now moving cockily, a step in front of me.

"Morning, Saix," Xigbar drawled with a grin.

"Hello, Xigbar," Saix answered calmly, appearing unfazed by Xigbar's extraordinary rudeness. I stared up at the man with the fine x-shaped scar with approval in my eyes. If I could only respond to Xigbar with such serenity, surely the obtrusive man would be forced to give up and leave me alone. "Kanatrix," Saix nodded politely at me, his tone softening somewhat. I nodded back, trying not to blush. "As you both know, you'll be going to Twilight Town so that Number Fifteen may practice killing Heartless. Xigbar, you're responsible for her. Try not to do anything untoward."

With that, Xigbar let out a low rumble of a laugh as Saix opened a dark portal to his side. Number Two stepped towards it, but I froze, paralyzed by fear. It looked so...ominous. Pitch black and purple swirled inside, stretching down a long hallway that seemed like it might just go on forever.

No way was I going inside of that!  
>"C'mon, don't be scared," Xigbar huffed with surprising gentleness, grabbing my hand in his and tugging gently. I stumbled forward, resisting his pull. "You'll be fine." Unfortunately, he was stronger than me, and I stumbled right into the black and purple swirl, feeling immediately cold. I pulled harder against Xigbar, glancing over my shoulder and hoping I could resist enough to stay in the Grey Area, safe and sound.<p>

To my dismay, the portal behind me was sealing up, leaving only a peephole through which I could see the safety of the Castle. Soon, that, too, was closed. Resigned to my fate, I stopped resisting Xigbar and fell into step beside him, my head down.

"The faster we walk through here, the faster it's over, okay?" Xigbar offered, squeezing my hand. I had forgotten he was still holding it, and snatched it away with a defiant glare.

I immediately regretted looking up; from the sides of the hallway, tentacles of darkness were reaching out towards me, like some deformed, ghoulish nightmare creature. Yellow eyes that mirrored Xigbar's in their ferality glared at me through the murky veil of darkness.

I wanted to be in the lab with Vexen more than anything else. In the safety of his domain, everything was concrete facts and safe knowledge and secure instructions and comraderie.

Instead, I was stuck here in this swirling black void with nasty old Xigbar.

Suddenly terrified, I began to run, sprinting out of the reach of Xigbar and towards what I hoped was the end of the hallway.

"Hey!" Xigbar cried out. Moments later, I heard his footsteps accelerating behind me. I ran faster, not wanting to be within his reach. For all I knew, he could get revenge on me for yesterday by leaving me in this pit. I didn't want to find out. The only thing that mattered was getting as much distance as possible between him and me, and getting out of here as soon as possible.

Suddenly, the ground before me gave out, and I stumbled out onto brownish-orangish concrete, skinning my knees and landing on all fours.

"Not the most graceful exit, sweetpea," Xigbar laughed behind me. I heard his footsteps as he stepped out of the portal with an infuriating calm. "Not a bad view, though -"

"You are impossible!" I screeched, scrambling to my feet. I whirled around to face him, hands on my hips. "I don't know why on earth Xemnas sent me on a mission with _you,_ of all people. I'll never get along with you! Hell, I don't know why he even keeps you around; you're just a desperate old man -"

"As if," Xigbar snorted, glaring down at me. Refusing to be intimidated by his height, I glared back up at him, even though it meant tilting my head farther back than was comfortable. "Maybe you haven't heard, sugar, but I'm Number Two in this Organization. I'm Xemnas' right hand man. And no one fights quite like I do."

I swallowed hard. Nobody had told me he was Number Two! If I'd known he was that important – but wait, wasn't that just what he wanted me to think? If I was in awe of his rank, he'd get nearly anything he wanted out of me. Well, too bad for him! I wouldn't fall for it!  
>"Since you're Number Two, then, I don't even know why I'm here," I sneered, unable to come up with another way of defying the scarred man. "You might as well do all the work yourself."<p>

"Only if it'll impress you enough to go home with me tonight, doll," he snickered, summoning two large purple guns to his hands. I took an unconscious step back, and his grin grew predatorial, his yellow eye gleaming. I recomposed myself as quickly as I knew how.

"You know what would really impress me?" I quipped, walking away from him. I had no idea where I was going, but I refused to stand there and argue with him. Especially while he had guns in his hands and a mastery over space. I needed to wound his ego, just to get him to shut up for the duration of the mission. I decided to attack a sore spot I'd struck during one of our last conversations. "If one of those Heartless managed to eat you. _That _would be impressive. Just the sight of it would make this mission worthwhile."

I knew my words were cruel, and I could even remember a time when I would have never uttered them.

But I had to break away from the chains of memories, right? It was time to do what I needed in order to survive. I was a Nobody. I had no heart.

And that wasn't really guilt I was feeling, either.

As I'd expected, Xigbar had mostly shut up, only yelling at me on occasion to fight the Heartless with him. As I still had no clue what my weapon was supposed to be, however, and as I was far too unmotivated to use my strange innate ability to protect the bastard, I simply watched him fight instead.

I did have to admit, his fighting was impressive. The man never even came near the Heartless, instead sending a shower of bullets down on the beasts. Most of them – the insect-like ones that crawled, at least – died instantly, fading back into darkness. The yellow and red floating ones, though, usually survived his first barrage. While Xigbar paused briefly to reload, the yellow and red Heartless sent bolts of lightning and fire at him, which he redirected or dodged via teleportation smoothly. To my amazement, he didn't even have to be facing the Heartless to shoot them; it seemed he was talented enough with his spacial rending abilities to redirect the lightning-quick bullets wherever he wanted them to go.

As talented as the man was, I made no show of being impressed, instead maintaining a perfectly schooled bored look on my face.

Deep down inside, I was, of course, amazed. His position as Number Two certainly seemed well-deserved. I also felt rather curious as to what the point of killing Heartless was, or what the different types were...but I suppressed that curiosity, reasoning that I could ask Vexen later. It was best to keep Xigbar shut up for as long as possible.

"You're really not going to help?" He asked me, sending me a glare out of the periphery of his feral yellow eye. A rather large squad of Heartless had generated in front of him, including about ten of the ground-crawling ones and another seven – or maybe eight, they were tough to count – of the flying red and yellow sort.

"Maybe this will be my chance to see you get eaten," I deadpanned back at him, and he growled, attacking the Heartless with a fury while I sat down on a convenient bench. I watched him, trying to look as uninterested as I could.

Xigbar had killed a good few of the ground-crawling Heartless in his first barrage of shots, and as I expected, a yellow floating one sent a lightning bolt at him as he reloaded. To my surprise, he failed to dodge it, reeling backwards and stumbling with the shock of the attack. Moments later, a ground-crawling Heartless had latched onto his back and was scratching him viciously.

I wasn't sure what to feel.

Xigbar shot the one on his back, effectively vaporizing it. Within moments, he'd turned on the rest of the pack, although they'd gained a bit of an advantage, firing out attacks almost as fast as he could dodge them.

The second time he got hit, it was with a fireball, which sent him flying back some distance even as he shot down the last few of the ground-crawling Heartless. He recovered quickly, breathing heavily and clutching his side, charging back into battle to take down the last few flying beasts.

"There's more of these around then there should be," he huffed, making his way back to me. "I need to report this to Saix. Something is wrong here."

I didn't respond, and he, too, quieted down as we made our way onwards through the town.

"Well, this is our last stop," he sighed, still breathing rather heavily. "You gonna go take a seat or what, kiddo?"

I bristled at the name.

"My name's not kiddo," I growled, heading over to the edge of the balcony-style plaza we were on and plopping down on the wide railing. Being called "dollface" was almost preferable to "kiddo." At least "dollface" indicated that I was an attractive female.

I barely even watched Xigbar's next battle, instead looking out over the edge of the balcony-plaza at the town below me. In my whole mission here, I hadn't realized how beautiful Twilight Town was. The sun seemed to be perpetually setting, casting a warm, radiant glow over the cozy homes nestled in on the hill. In the distance, I could see the ocean, throwing the sun's waves back at me. Even the air was warm and comforting, carrying a taste of the salty sea. I breathed it in, drinking in the loveliness of this world. Why couldn't the Castle That Never Was be someplace beautiful like this? I would have loved to live here...

Lost as I was in my thoughts, I didn't notice that tiny stones on the ground had started jumping, or that the balcony echoed with a resounding thud every few seconds. Even as it grew louder, I remained oblivious until the balcony rail started cracking. I leapt off it quickly, feeling panicked and terrified.

"Xigbar?" I called nervously, finally noticing the man as he finished off the last Heartless. "What's going on? Is it an earthquake?"

The man teleported to my side, gasping for breath.

"I'm not sure, Kana, but I've got an idea," he panted, throwing a warm arm around me and pulling me to his chest unexpectedly. I nearly slapped him, save for the fact that he let go of me nearly as quickly as he'd grabbed on. "I really hope it's not true, though. Just stay here for a second and don't panic."

In the next instant, he had vanished, teleported away.

A long moment passed, and I thought for a second he'd left me. Fear reluctantly set in as I realized how vulnerable I was without the bothersome man's protection.

And then absolute terror coursed through my veins when an unearthly roar resounded throughout the hillside, followed by louder and louder thuds.

Foosteps. Something was coming for me.

Something huge.

Tendrils of darkness swam towards me, and I panicked, running from them back to the far edges of the balcony. I focused inside of myself, hoping to find that strange power that had struck Larxene down yesterday. It was easier to access this time, and I pushed the tendrils back rather successfully.

"I'm back, dollface," Xigbar purred, reappearing unexpectedly. "Did you miss me, babe?"

"No!" I shot back defiantly. Why did he have to keep coming on to me like that? "What's going on?"

"A Darkside's moving in," he shrugged, balancing one huge gun on his shoulder cockily. I noted that he was still breathing heavily, and a few scratches on his neck and forearms were bleeding – one quite profusely. "Any last minute love confessions you'd like to admit to before I take on the big baddie? Or would you just prefer a kiss?"

"Neither!" I spat, wishing the man was within slapping range. He needed some reality knocked into him. "I told you, I'd sooner see the Darkside eat you."

Xigbar frowned, moving away from me and toward the source of the footsteps.

Suddenly, I could see it.

The whole thing was gigantic, at least two stories tall, and pitch black. It seemed moderately humanoid, but at the same time, it was clearly quite monstrous – the swirling, deformed stuff of children's nightmares. Its arms were disproportionately long, hanging down to its knees, giving it an eerie silhouette. If it picked me up in its hand, I would be small enough for it to crush. As it cleared the last building, entering the plaza with an eardrum-rattling boom that nearly sent me tumbling to the floor, I realized that it was missing a huge chunk in the shape of a heart, square in the middle of its thorax.

Heartless.

The Darkside leveled feral yellow eyes at Xigbar, and I was certain that his own yellow eye was regarding the Darkside in much the same manner. From my spot behind Number Two, I could see the corners of his mouth curling up in a grin.

Xigbar dove in at the Heartless, shooting at its hands and face. He dodged and weaved, teleporting expertly around the Darkside and avoiding its swipes. For a monster so large, it was surprisingly agile, I noticed.

I sat down, determined not to appear interested. Xigbar would handle this beast just fine, and I couldn't let any emotion leak that would hint that I was worried about him. In fact, he had probably set this whole scenario up in the hopes that he'd get a reaction from me. It wasn't past the man.

But then the Heartless spotted me.

Xigbar continued teleporting, firing an impressive barrage of bullets at the beast even as it lumbered over towards me at an unprecedented velocity. I panicked, scrambling to my feet and backing up as I searched for the power inside myself. My mind was frayed with adrenaline, though, and while I could focus enough to send respectable blasts of energy at the Darkside, it wasn't nearly enough to stop it in its tracks.

Soon, I'd backed myself into a corner, and the Darkside was still coming at me. Xigbar shot it directly in the eye, and the monster roared, raising one massive palm to its face and the other up over me, as if it was a flyswatter and I was the fly.

As it crashed down, I wondered what the rest of my nonexistence would have been like, and what came after a nonlife, anyways.

Suddenly, a great, warm weight had wrapped itself around me, squeezing me tightly for a split second.

"Run back to the portal we came in," Xigbar gasped quickly. "Find Saix and tell him-"

With that, Xigbar threw me far out of harm's way, probably teleporting me somewhat in the process. I sprawled out on the ground, raising my head to look, horrified, at the spot where the Darkside's hand was making contact with the ground.

Xigbar's small body took a direct shot, his ribs crumpling under the impact, before he teleported himself out of the way. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding – he was all right, for now – and scrambled to my feet.

Without hesitation, I sprinted back the way we'd came, praying that I could make it to the portal in time. Xigbar had to just hold on for as long as he could.

I ran faster, my feet nearly a blur as they carried me down the slopes of Twilight Town's roads. Why had Xigbar saved me like that? He'd been nothing but crass to me, and I'd been nothing but cruel towards him in return. He could have just let me die and called it an unfortunate effect of an unexpected attack.

Then, with a sinking feeling, I realized that the whole situation was my fault. Xigbar would have been in prime fighting condition to take on the Darkside if I hadn't made him take on scores of Heartless by himself. As it was, he was tired and weak because of me, and yet he'd still protected me, nearly sacrificing himself in the process...

Before I'd even realized it, my feet were carrying me back up the slopes of the roads, something heavy and metal gripped firmly in my right hand. I didn't know where it came from, but I was certain that it was a part of me, and that I could hurt that Darkside with it.

A strangled, very human, cry emanated from the plaza ahead of me, and something in my stomach tightened.

"XIGBAR," I boomed, racing up the last road before the plaza. "HANG ON!"

I burst back into the plaza and ran at breakneck speed to the Darkside, which had landed another successful hit on Xigbar. The man was slumped against the railing of the balcony, his body looking very small and broken compared to the beast he faced.

Without another thought, I darted right up to the monster and began slashing away at its calves, screaming at it to turn around and fight me.

Which it did, with a guttural rumble that sounded like it had echoed straight out of the depths of hell.

I turned and ran, not knowing what had gotten into me. What made me think I could take on that monster if Xigbar couldn't? I'd screwed up yet again. If I'd just listened to the man and ran back to the portal, there would have been a chance that a more talented fighter than I – like Saix – could have made it to rescue Xigbar in time. As it was, I'd condemned the both of us.

Even as I ran, a pair of strong arms enveloped me, pulling me into a broad chest.

"Hang on!" Xigbar instructed. I obeyed, clutching at his black Organization cloak desperately. The next second was a whirl of color and sensation as I felt like my whole body had been disassembled, squeezed through a juicer, and then reassembled. When I came back to my senses, we were on top of City Hall, staring down at the Darkside in the plaza bumbling about as it noticed the sudden lack Nobodies to kill.

Teleportation, I decided, was pretty cool.

Xigbar released his hold on me slowly, which I was grateful for – my legs were absolute jelly.

"You came back," the man observed, keeping one heavy arm loosely draped around me, ready to catch me should my balance give out.

"I decided I didn't want to see you get eaten after all," I breathed, looking up into the scarred face of the Nobody. He looked even more like hell than he usually did, with scratches and gashes littering his upper chest and arms. "Why did you save me before?"

"We'll worry about that later, doll," he announced, moving past me to perch on the edge of the roof. "Got work to do now. You know." I watched as he stacked his two guns together, creating one giant sniper rifle that he supported on his shoulder. Putting his good eye to the scope, he ordered, "Get behind me and brace me. This has some heavy recoil." I obeyed, moving behind the man and digging my feet into the flat roof, one leg curled up under me and the other stretched back. My hands moved to his shoulders, and I pressed my lead shoulder into his back, making sure my cheek was turned. I didn't feel like getting hit in the nose.

"Ready," I told him dutifully, not really sure how much use I'd be to the bigger man.

"3...2...1." A giant ball of energy erupted from his gun, which he skillfully directed straight towards the Darkside's face. The beast roared in fury, swatting at its injury angrily. Meanwhile, Xigbar's back jammed into my shoulder, and I resisted the recoil as best I could, fighting it with my legs. All the same, we slid back a ways, though we maintained our balance.

"One more," Xigbar muttered, already focused on his next shot. I braced myself anew, and he counted down again. "3...2...1." This time, when the energy-bullet burst forth from his gun, my ability to resist had been worn down some. We slid back a ways again before my legs gave out. Xigbar tumbled on top of me, pinning my body to the ground.

"Sorry," I mumbled miserably.

"As if! You did fine," he insisted, ruffling my hair before pulling himself back up to his feet. A small smile played across my lips. Where was _this _Xigbar the rest of the time? "All right, Kana, here's the deal. This thing is wounded, but not dead yet. I'm gonna stay up here and give you some good cover fire. I want you to get down there and do your best to attack it and not get hurt. Got it?"

The strange metal thing reappeared in my hand, like a comfortable weight that I'd not even realized I'd been missing.

"Got it," I agreed, giving him an encouraging smile and a determined nod. He chuckled, ruffling my hair up again, before nudging me on my way.

I bounced down from the roof, landing on the small, sloped balcony over the entrance of City Hall. Running up to the edge and poising carefully on the thick railing, I called out to the Darkside.

"Hey, you great big oaf," I shouted, unsure of how else to get its attention. "Get over here! You're not done with me yet!" This seemed to grab the beast's attention, and it ran at me, raising its hands to swat me down.

This time, I wasn't as afraid. I had a job to do for Xigbar.

The Freeshooter opened fire as the Darkside approached me, peppering the monster with a rapid spray of bullets. Each one made contact with the monster's face, sending the beast reeling backwards and clutching its skull. Xigbar's timing had been perfect; the monster was just close enough that if I leapt at it, I stood a chance of being able to hack at its cranium.

For a moment, time froze as I panicked. I had to leap off this balcony, into a barrage of bullets, and aim towards a two-story-tall monster?

And then I'd done it. I went flying towards the beast's head, slashing it once in the face. It roared and swatted at me, giving me the free time to touch down on its shoulder, and then the added velocity to push off again, aiming straight for its face with an upwards slash. I felt the direct contact beneath my blade and smirked, satisfied. Turning a back somersault in mid-air, I managed to land on the balcony again, gasping for breath.

Above me, Xigbar was hooting appreciatively, even as he continued showering the beast in bullets. I couldn't help but laugh as I geared up for my next attack.

Suddenly, the Darkside decided to give up on its efforts to protect its face, smacking me off the balcony with one oversized hand. Pain seared through my body as it made contact, and soon I was aware that I was flying off the structure, headed for the quickly-approaching ground.

The Darkside swiped at me again, though, and this time, I grabbed onto its massive hand, dangling off one of its fingers. Hoisting myself up as quickly as I could, I sprang off its palm, slicing its hand neatly as I moved. The beast, I noticed, was batting me across its body, and I decided to use its own force against it. Springing off its right palm, I leapt for where its heart should have been, my blade sinking into the monster's chest with speed and power generated by the Darkside itself.

Only problem was, I couldn't get my blade back out. The monster had decided to crash one fist down on its chest, trying to smack me like a fly yet again. Desperate to get away from the attack, I left my blade in the beast's thorax, just above the heart-shaped hole, and dropped to the ground. My feet throbbed painfully upon hitting the cement after the long drop, but I ignored it and immediately started running away from the beast as fast as I could.

Xigbar, meanwhile, had switched his bullets from a fine spray to a larger, apparently more powerful variety. The stronger bullets weren't as fast, but they seemed to subdue the Darkside better. I glanced up at him on the roof, only to realize that he was springing down off the balcony towards me. Landing with cat-like grace thanks to his space-manipulating powers, he ran toward me even as I sprinted to his protection.

"Now what?" I gasped, wishing I still had my blade with me. Xigbar moved in front of me, positioning his larger body between me and the Heartless.

"Summon your weapon again," Xigbar drawled calmly, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "You want it back, right?"

"Of course!" I fervently agreed, wanting nothing more than for the reassuring weight of my blade to be balanced in my palm again.

And suddenly, it was.

I peeked around Xigbar's shoulder, staring at the Darkside. My blade was, in fact, completely gone from its thorax.

"Cool," I laughed, really starting to enjoy myself. Xigbar chuckled, shaking his head. His long ponytail swished along his backside.

"Neophytes," he laughed, still firing off huge bullets. I noticed that he was breathing harder than ever before, though a few of his wounds had stopped bleeding quite so badly. "We're almost there, Kana. The Darkside's getting tired, see?"

"Yeah, but so are we," I observed, realizing that I was gasping for air, too. Xigbar glanced at me over his broad shoulder, frowning slightly.

"I'd bet you anything that one Limit Break from the both of us would finish him off," the Freeshooter drawled, not even watching where his bullets were going.

"Xigbar, look out!" The Darkside was doing something strange, smashing the ground with both of its hands. To my terror, a swirling layer of darkness spread over the ground, crackling with power and gliding its way towards us. I grabbed the back of Number Two's cloak, tugging on it as I prepared to turn tail and run.

As soon as he noticed our predicament, Xigbar spun around, folding me up in his arms and teleporting again.

The juicer sensation didn't surprise me quite as much this time around, though I did come out of the teleport leaning on Xigbar considerably more than I would have liked. Righting myself and pulling away from him, I glanced around quickly. We were back up on top of City Hall, where the mat of crackling darkness hadn't managed to reach.

"Why is this thing so strong?" I squeaked, terrified of what might have happened if we were still down there.

"I've got a few ideas why," he said ambiguously, crouching down, presumably to be less visible to the monster. I followed suit, positioning myself somewhat behind the man. "D'you think you can pull off a Limit Break?"

"Xig, I don't even know what a Limit Break _is_," I pointed out, feeling useless and foolish yet again. The scarred man didn't seem too disappointed in me, though.

"That's all right, it's easy to learn how to do," he murmured, crouching down even lower. I mimicked him. "A Limit Break is one of your special attacks. You can only do it when you're tired and injured, like right now. All you have to do is look inside yourself and push yourself harder than you think you can be pushed, and you'll pull off a perfect Limit Break. For me, those huge balls of energy that I needed reinforcement for were one of my Limit Breaks, see?"

I nodded, feeling as if I was beginning to understand.

"And if we do a Limit Break and time it so that we do it together..." I began, clarity dawning on me.

"We might just reinforce each other's Breaks and take down the Darkside in one shot," Xigbar finished for me, grinning rather ferally and nodding. "Just think of it as a coup de grace."

"Right," I agreed, looking inside of myself. I _had _to be able to do this! Xigbar waited for a long moment, giving me time to compose myself. Following the clever Nobody's instructions, I dove inside myself, looking for the right thing.

I found the coiled energy again, more easily than ever before. It curled around my non-heart like the parasitic snake it was, and I tapped into it readily, telling myself that I had to do more with it than I'd done last time. My mind had been too adrenaline-frayed, and I'd barely done any form of damage to the Darkside.

This time would be different. I had to protect myself. I had to protect Xigbar. I owed the bastard that, after he'd saved my life. I had to prove to everyone that I had power, that I wasn't going to be the Nobody who died on her first mission out. I wasn't like those ground-crawling Heartless, easy to kill, readily vaporizing back into the nothing from which they'd come. I was strong.

"...Kana? Hey, are you listening?"

"Sorry, what?"

"You ready?"

"You bet."

Xigbar smirked, noticing the determined gleam in my eye.

"All right. Let's do this in three...two...one...go!"

I dove into the coiled energy inside myself, letting it consume me, letting it wash over me, releasing it in powerful waves, controlling it more than I ever had before. And in my sudden control, I found myself in power, aware, conscious of the world around me.

_Alone...scared...hungry...lost._

What was that? That wasn't me, I knew that for sure, nor was it the non-sentient energy I'd tapped. Was this the Limit Break I'd unleashed? Was I inside the monster's head? I dove deeper into my target.

_Hatred...fury...rage...darkness. Alone...lost...angry._

For a moment, I nearly lost control. The Heartless didn't seem that much different from me. I was alone and lost too...

But I had a job to do. Working as hard as I could, no longer aware of my corporeal self, I struggled with the Heartless' conscience, overcoming it slowly. I could see out of its eyes, see the plaza from two stories up, watch its hands move in time with the thoughts that emanated from its – my – brain.

Something struck the Heartless, sending it reeling forward. I felt the pain, too, and cried out as the beast cried out. The Darkside whipped around, turning to face the giant balls of energy that Xigbar was firing in a majestic onslaught. The bullets were huge, probably the size of my human head, and shimmered pink, blue, and white, the sheer amount of power in each of them transcending the light scale. Space around them shimmered, rippling and distorting, unable to handle the energy it contained.

The Darkside wanted so badly to run. It panicked, animal instinct telling it to move, to attack.

I overpowered that instinct, telling it to stay still and be a good target. Unable to win, the beast remained frozen as Xigbar's bullets crashed into it, every single one of them hitting the beast squarely.

At the searing, overwhelming pain, I withdrew from the monster, spiraling back into my corporeal body, which was gasping, hands and knees pressed on the floor.

An unearthly roar resounded, and I raised my head in time to see the Darkside vanish into oblivion, still unable to move.

"We got him," I gasped, my words almost slurring together.

"We sure did," Xigbar panted by my side. I raised my head, noticing the man was kneeling, both his guns interlocked to form the larger sniper rifle. His upper body, however, was bent over, one arm leaning on his knee as he gasped for breath. "Nice work, Kana."

My eyes met his single golden eye, and I found myself actually smiling up at the man.

"You didn't do too shabby yourself, Xig," I beamed at him, straightening up somewhat. To my surprise, Xigbar began to roar with laughter, moving closer to my side and throwing one arm around me. I stiffened at first, but soon relaxed as the man pulled me into a gentle hug, still laughing. Soon, I found myself giggling too, wrapping my arms around his broad chest and tipping my head so that it rested on his shoulder. He squeezed me tighter, still chuckling, and gave my shoulder a friendly pat before letting me go.

"Ready to head home, kiddo?"  
>"I'm not a kiddo!" I giggled, playfully smacking Xigbar's shoulder. "But yeah. Let's go home."<p> 


	10. do not go gentle into that good night

"do not go gentle into that good night"

Xigbar and I limped throughout Twilight Town, retracing our steps in the hopes of getting back to Saix's portal on time.

"When you finish a mission, Saix's portal automatically opens back up so that you can RTC -"

"What's RTC?" I asked, unable to reason out what the bizarre acronym stood for.

"Return to Castle," Xigbar explained briefly, continuing on. "But you've only got a small frame of time in which the portal's open."

"Wait, why?"

"Because, Kana, if we left the portal open for ages, anyone could waltz into it."

"Right," I nodded, feeling pretty dumb. That would have been obvious to me any other time, but I was feeling pretty drained after that big fight with the Darkside.

"So you have to try and hurry, okay?" Xigbar asked me gently, nudging my shoulder. I nodded.

"Sorry," I apologized. "I just...haven't gotten used to being back in my own body yet, I guess. Everything feels all wrong." I stumbled along, clumsily coordinating my muscles with all of the grace of a three-year-old toddler.

"Honestly, Kana," Xigbar laughed teasingly. "There's really no middle ground with you. Either you're completely useless or you're an amazing fighter."

"Shut up, Xig!" I responded, laughing as I tried slapping him in the arm. My muscles didn't quite cooperate, though, and I ended up missing him by a long shot. "I'm still getting the hang of this whole field work thing." The man laughed, scooping me up in his arms and carrying me bridal-style. I growled at him, flailing and trying to hit him so that he'd put me down, but my body didn't quite cooperate with my thought processes. I barely ended up able to squirm at all, and Xigbar continued to parade through the streets with me in his arms.

What an infuriating man he was.

We walked for a moment in silence, and I took the opportunity to notice all the wounds that Xigbar had accumulated from the day's events. His neck and upper chest were scratched up badly and bleeding, there was a large gash on the lateral side of his right upper arm, and it appeared as if he'd sustained some serious damage to his false ribs, judging by the shot I'd seen him take. He hid the pain well, I realized.

"Xigbar?" I finally asked, remembering that he had blown me off during the battle when I'd asked him why he had saved me. "How come you protected me when that Darkside was gonna crush me like a bug?" Xigbar let out a sigh.

"Kiddo, do you remember the day you came to the Organization?"

"I told you, I don't like being called 'kiddo'."

"Fine. But do you remember?" I frowned, hooking one arm clumsily around Xigbar's shoulders.

"Not really," I admitted, surprised that I hadn't noticed this before.

"I was the one who found you," Xigbar told me gently. "You know, most of the time, when I stumble across a new Nobody, they're busy fighting off the Heartless, or sometimes they're screaming their heads off, wondering what they've become. You, though...you were sitting among a pack of Heartless, singing to them and crying." He paused for a moment, sucking in a shuddering breath. Were his ribs bothering him? Had he broken them? "I've never heard a Nobody sing before. And Nobodies aren't supposed to be able to cry. We do anyway, sometimes, when our brains tell us it's a good idea, the right response...but you were really _crying, _Kana. I asked you what was wrong, and you looked up at me with the most hollow expression I've ever seen. Do you remember what you said?"

I frowned, trying to think as hard as I could. This all seemed familiar to me somehow, like it had happened in the place between dreams and awakening...

"I told you I wanted to die," I murmured quietly, a foggy memory dawning on me.

"Yeah," Xigbar nodded. "And you started fading away. Nobodies like us, we exist based on willpower, Kana. If we don't have willpower, we fade away and become monsters like the Heartless. We lose our human form." I shivered in the Freeshooter's arms, realizing just how close I was to a fate worse than death that day. "I knew there was something different about you, so I started yelling at you, telling you that you had to hold on. But you kept fading away, you damn stubborn little thing. Wouldn't listen to me. I started hurling insults at you, telling you that you weren't strong enough to make it anyways and you deserved to die. And then you fought back..."

"And I'm here now," I finished for the man. He nodded.

"Yeah. I don't know how to explain it, but ever after that day, I felt like it was kind of my job to look out for you," he admitted, glancing down at me out of the corner of his good eye. "No one else really did, after all -"

"Vexen does," I interjected, putting in a good word for my mentor. I realized I hadn't seen him all day, for the first time since joining the Organization. I had so much to tell him about my mission. "He looks out for me."

"Maybe," Xigbar responded, a bit testily. "But Kana, you were miserable your first couple weeks here. I began worrying that you'd fade away again just out of the sheer misery of living in the Castle. Giving you a motivational speech didn't work very well the first time, so I began teasing you."

"Tormenting, really," I corrected him dryly.

"Whatever," he shrugged. "The point is, you came back to life. You fought back. You had a purpose. Even if you hated me," he added, a bit sadly. "Anyways, we're here." Carefully, he set me down in front of the swirling black and purple portal.

I froze up again. My first time walking through the Darkness had been bad enough; I was expected to do it a second time?

Then I remembered Xigbar's comment about me being useless. I had to be strong, had to find my middle ground. Chin held high, I stepped clumsily into the hallway of Darkness, still unaccustomed to my own human body after being in the Darkside. The switch had been disorienting.

Xigbar followed me, and I felt my nervousness quell a little bit. If anything went wrong in here, he'd be there to protect me. He was on my side now.

Or maybe, I corrected myself, he always had been.


	11. time held me green and dying, though I s

"time held me green and dying, though I sang in my chains like the sea"

"How's it going, Saix?" Xigbar drawled, smiling lackadaisically at the blue-haired man. I stepped out of the portal clumsily, stumbling to Xigbar's side and smiling up at Number 7. He, in return, stared at us like we had been through hell. Which, I realized, was probably precisely what we looked like. Recomposing himself quickly, Saix informed us,

"Xigbar, you are to report to the Superior directly concerning your mission. You'll find him in his chambers." Saix glanced at me quickly, his eyebrows furrowing when he realized I was still smiling. I tried not to laugh; it really was hilarious trying to see Saix make heads or tails of how on earth Xigbar and I had managed to bond on our mission.

"All righty, then. Thanks for the heads up, Number Seven," Xigbar smirked, turning on his heel.

"Hey, Xig!" I called, turning around awkwardly and toddling after the man. He slowed down to allow me to catch up; I was moving faster, to be sure, but I hadn't quite re-coordinated myself in my body effectively. "Can I come with you?"

Xigbar didn't miss a beat.

"Sure, why not?" He agreed with a shrug. "Not like there's gonna be anything in my report that you didn't see yourself. Just try keeping up," he teased me with a playful push. I reeled backwards, my balancing skills obviously still quite substandard, before stumbling after Xigbar, giggling and leaving a very stunned Saix in my wake.

"Did you see Saix's face when he saw us?" I whispered to Xigbar when I was sure we were out of earshot.

"It was perfect," Xigbar agreed, laughing heartily. I chuckled, too, beaming up at the man with the golden eye. We walked for a moment in comfortable silence, and I realized my body was responding a bit more smoothly now; I was keeping up with Xigbar just a little better. "Hey, kiddo?"

"I told you -"

"Not kiddo. I know, I know. You're just so small -"

"But I'm not a kid!" I snapped. If I remembered correctly, I was at least 19 when I'd fallen to the Darkness.

"Yeah, but you need a nickname anyway," he retorted, ruffling my hair. I groaned, trying to smooth my messed locks.

"Anything but kiddo," I pleaded, hoping that the infuriating man wouldn't choose to call me "kiddo" just to annoy me. Or to keep me alive. Whatever his intentions were really supposed to be.

"All right, all right. I'll have to think of something else," Xigbar relented. "But anyways, I was wondering...why did you come back for me?"

"Easy," I answered with a shrug. "You saved me. I couldn't leave you there to die. I owed you one."

"As if!" Xigbar responded, scowling at me. "You're a Nobody! It's not like you'd have felt guilty if I died."

I swallowed hard, remembering how Vexen had shrieked at me earlier. I _was_ a Nobody, and I didn't deserve to feel emotion. I was no different than the rest of them. Would Xigbar be angry if I pretended at emotion, too? And was I really pretending? I didn't know. I didn't respond for a long moment, afraid of saying the wrong thing and turning Xigbar against me, too.

"I mean, you wouldn't have felt guilty, right?" Number Two prodded uncertainly, pulling me out of my thoughts. I sighed, dropping my head and staring at the ground.

"I guess not," I relented, afraid of saying otherwise. I could feel Xigbar's golden eye boring through me, and I pursed my lips, feeling frustration well up within me.

"Kana, you can tell me what you're thinking," Xigbar murmured, draping one thick arm, heavy with muscle, around my shoulders.

"What if I would have felt guilty?" I asked carefully, afraid that the Freeshooter would yell at me and tell me just how impossible that was. To my amazement, he began chuckling.

"I guess I shouldn't be so surprised," he admitted with a shrug. "You really must have been a sweetheart when you were a Somebody, because you're still the nicest Nobody I know."

Xigbar rapped three times on the great white double-doors of the Superior's chambers, his gloved knuckles resounding loudly on the huge structures. I stood behind him a bit awkwardly, partially because technically, only Xigbar was expected to report to the Superior, and partially because the Superior himself still intimidated me. A lot.

"Enter," the Superior called, his extraordinarily deep voice sending chills down my spine. Xigbar swung open the doors confidently, and I was suddenly reminded that he was Number Two in this Organization. Meeting with Xemnas was probably fairly commonplace for the man, and it was startling to realize just how powerful my new laid-back friend really was.

I stumbled into the office behind Xigbar, watching as the Superior rose from his seat behind a neatly organized white desk. His two amber eyes swept over Xigbar, noticing the damage on the man, before softening and gazing upon me.

"Have a seat, my friends," Xemnas murmured, gesturing at two chairs in front of his desk. Xigbar grinned and teleported to his seat, stretching lazily and repositioning himself until he was sideways in the chair, his long legs dangling over the armrest. As I hobbled over to the seat meant for me, I marveled at how comfortable Xigbar appeared around the Superior.

"Kana, my child. Are you badly injured?" Xemnas inquired, concern lacing his voice.

"Oh! No, I'm all right, Superior, thank you," I responded, stumbling over my words and talking too quickly out of nervousness. "Just not used to being back in my body. I'll readjust soon, sir."

Satisfied that I'd explained everything, I settled down in my chair, feet politely on the ground and my hands in my lap. Xemnas, also, returned to his seat, folding his large hands on his desk and eying me suspiciously.

"Xigbar, please enlighten me," the Superior intoned, turning to face the sprawled-out Freeshooter. "What exactly does she mean by being back in her body?"

"Kana found one of her Limit Breaks today," Xigbar replied lazily, continuing to stretch. "It's a pretty unique one, I'll give her that."

"Xigbar," the Superior growled, leveling an acidic stare at the man. To his credit, Xigbar didn't even bat an eyelash.

"We were attacked by a Darkside," Xigbar sighed, straightening up in his chair somewhat. "But man, let me tell you, this was one badass Heartless. The thing wouldn't die! We both ended up pretty beat up, so we decided to synchronize our Limit Breaks to finally take it down. Kana...projected herself into the Darkside, somehow. She used her mind to hold it completely still while I shot it down with my biggest bullets. And when she came back to her own body, she was clumsy. Like this. Right, sweetheart?" Xigbar swiveled his one good eye to fix on me. I nodded quickly, eager to agree with the man.

"Everything that Xigbar says is true?" Xemnas asked me gently, stroking his chin with his thumb.

"Everything," I agreed with a fervent nod. Xemnas frowned slightly, standing up yet again from his seat and turning his back on us, beginning to pace.

"There was a Darkside in Twilight Town, you say?" The silver-haired man inquired, not looking at either of us.

"Yup," Xigbar replied lackadaisically. "One that we didn't have any intel on."

I frowned at the scarred man. What did he mean, they had no intel on it? Xigbar's keen eye noticed my confusion, and he hastily explained.

"With most of the big Heartless, like that Darkside, we – the Organization – keep tabs on them. We make sure we know who they came from, what they can do, where they're going, and when we can expect to run into them. That Darkside we ran into today, sweetheart, was one that we'd never even heard of before."

"Oh," I said with a nod of understanding.

"You had indicated that it was more powerful than most Darksides you'd encountered previously?" Xemnas asked, clearly directing his question at Xigbar. I sank down in my seat, feeling a bit like I'd gotten in over my head. It had been nice of Xigbar to allow me to join him, to be sure, but I wasn't sure that I was of much use to him at the moment.

"Much more so," Xigbar agreed with a nod. "Granted, I was underprepared to take him on; I'd only equipped standard panels to my Arrowguns, since I thought we'd be fighting only lower-class Heartless. Even so, it was a strong heart inside that monster. If it had been allowed to live, I'd bet it would have morphed into a higher-class boss."

"Interesting," Xemnas murmured, frowning more now than ever before. I sank a little lower into my chair, feeling invisible and useless. Xigbar noticed, however, and gave me a small yet reassuring smile. I beamed back at him, wondering how he knew when I needed a little pick-me-up like that. The man was infuriating, but he knew how to be kind, as well.

"What the Organization needs to determine next is if this Darkside is an isolated incident or if, more likely, it's with a group of neophyte Heartless rising to power," the Superior began, pacing more rapidly now. "Xigbar -"

"Excuse me, sir?" I squeaked, cringing and hoping Xemnas wouldn't be furious with me for interrupting him.

"Yes, Kana?" Number One prompted, a bit less forgivingly than I'd hoped.

"That Darkside wasn't with a group," I informed him confidently. Xigbar sat up the rest of the way, staring at me with his one good eye. Xemnas arched his delicate, silver eyebrows at me.

"Oh?" Was all he said.

"When I was in the Darkside's head, I...I could hear its thoughts, could feel what it felt," I explained, shifting uncomfortably as I recalled how similar to me it had been. "It was scared and lost. It was alone."

The Superior exchanged a look with Xigbar, and I glanced back and forth between them, unsure what their expressions meant. The Superior had stopped pacing, and instead was moving towards me so smoothly it seemed he could have been gliding. He sat down elegantly on the edge of his desk, sliding one finger gently under my chin and tipping my face up until I was gazing into his intelligent amber eyes.

"Kana," he purred, a kind smile spreading over his face. "You've performed admirably. I'm quite impressed."

"Yeah, but you haven't heard the whole story yet," Xigbar drawled, his one yellow eye still fixed on me. I sucked in a breath. The Superior might have been impressed with me now, but he wouldn't be by the time Xigbar finished telling him about the rest of the mission and how uncooperative I'd been. "Right, Kana?"

I dropped my eyes from the Superior's.

"Right," I agreed meekly, feeling foolish. Why had I trusted Xigbar? He was laid-back and he knew how to appear friendly, sure, but he was still the same as everyone else here – an emotionless, self-serving Nobody.

"And what would the rest of this story _be, _Kana?" Xemnas asked me gently. I swallowed hard, ready to tell the truth and implicate myself. I wondered if Xigbar was enjoying this.

"She doesn't know it herself, Xem," Xigbar cut in, much to my surprise. What was he doing? The Superior broke his eye contact with me, turning instead to face the Freeshooter and withdrawing his strong index finger from under my chin. I couldn't help but notice how striking the Superior's profile was. "Kana found her weapon today," Xigbar continued, still watching me carefully. "Didn't you, sweetheart?"

"Yeah," I agreed, eying Xigbar rather suspiciously. Just what was the clever man playing at? He flashed me a smile, though I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be reassured by his grin or not.

"You gonna tell the Superior what your weapon was?"

"It was...a metal blade-thingy," I said, frowning in my confusion. What did Xigbar expect, for me to classify it? Was I supposed to be able to say that it was a straight sword reminiscent of medieval eras, or that it was a broadsword styled after the Ming dynasty or something?

"Not just any metal blade-thingy, sweetheart," Xigbar laughed, stretching casually, clearly enjoying himself. "That was what we call a Keyblade."

Xemnas whirled on me, his large hands clamping down on both of the armrests of my chair.

"Summon your weapon, Kana," he instructed me, trying to appear as gentle as he could. All the same, I saw a dangerous light in his eyes – one that was laced with greed and hunger. With a glance at Xigbar, I obeyed the Superior, calling on my weapon to come to me. "Excellent. Outstanding, Kana." The Superior patted my head in a fatherly manner before closing one gloved hand over the shaft of the Keyblade. He looked into my eyes questioningly, and I released my hold on the weapon, allowing him to examine it.

As he held it up and inspected it from every angle, I couldn't help but think to myself that it didn't look like it was very much. Sure, it had a silver shaft culminating in a sharp, bladed edge, and the grip was, in fact, in the shape of a key, but Xigbar's Arrowguns looked way cooler than my weapon. What was the big deal?

"Kana, as you know, Heartless collect hearts, hoarding them like the foolish beasts they are," Xemnas began, turning the weapon over in his hands some more. "They can never use the hearts, and yet, collecting hearts is their only aim in life. When we kill the Heartless, we release those hearts, freeing them from the Darkness that binds them. But when a Keyblade kills the Heartless, something extraordinary happens. The Keyblade not only frees those hearts, but it also binds them, collecting them as a Heartless would. Those hearts – and the power they contain – are then ours to use. Surely, you can see how us Nobodies may benefit from having a collection of hearts at our disposal."

"We might find our own," I breathed, hope flooding my senses. What if someday, I could find my own Heartless and reclaim that which it had taken? "Right?"

"Yes," Xemnas agreed after a moment's hesitation. "It also provides Vexen with material to study and experiment with, in order that we can better understand the mechanisms of the heart." Of course! If I collected more hearts, surely my mentor would be undeniably proud of me! He'd love to have such precious resources more readily available in his lab! "Do you understand the significance of the Keyblade now?"

I nodded, and Xemnas carefully handed my weapon back to me. I turned the blade over in my hand, seeing it in a new light for the first time, before dismissing it and folding my hands back up in my lap.

"Wield your Keyblade well, Kana," Xemnas instructed me, stepping behind his desk again and turning his back to me. "Wield it well, and you may yet prove to serve the Organization well."

"Yes, sir," I responded eagerly, hoping for nothing else than the opportunity to serve the Superior to the best of my ability. What more could I hope for, after all, than the chance to find redemption, to see if my cast-away heart would return to me, accept me again, if I found it?

"Good girl, Kana," Xemnas purred, dismissing me with a wave of his arm. "You may take your leave. Xigbar, I have a few matters to discuss with you."

I stood up and nodded deferentially at the silver-haired Superior, giving Xigbar a small smile as I turned to leave.

"Hey, sweetheart," he called out to me. "I'll catch up with you later, okay?"

"Sounds good," I agreed, my smile growing wider. Apparently "sweetheart" was my new nickname after our conversation on the way up to Xemnas' chambers. I couldn't say I minded; at least it implied friendly affection, and it wasn't "kiddo." Content with this, I bounced off to the bone-white double doors of Xemnas' chambers, noticing that my body seemed to be functioning nearly normally now. Heaving open the giant doors, I stepped back into the hallway, being careful to shut the doors gently and quietly.

Now what was I supposed to do? It wasn't dinner time, and I'd completed my mission for the day. I stood there for a moment, dumbfounded, wondering what the rest of my waking hours were supposed to be filled with.

"You've taken a liking to her." Xemnas' voice met my ears, and although I knew I shouldn't have been eavesdropping, my interest was suddenly piqued.

"You could call it that," Xigbar laughed, a cold, hollow sound – not the warm chuckle I'd heard earlier. "Can us Nobodies like anyone, really?"

"She's different," Xemnas observed, ignoring Xigbar's rather rhetorical question. "It was obvious enough already, but now with the Keyblade..."

"She's an odd one, all right," Xigbar admitted. "Not even half as mad as the rest of us are." He laughed emptily again.

"Her naivety will be the end of that," Xemnas replied darkly. "She trusts blindly, sees us all as her friends. She has yet to come to terms with her own lack of emotion. Her disillusionment will jar her psyche, I'm sure, but it will come. And then she will truly be one of us."

Unable to bear listening to any more, I began tiptoeing away, hoping the men wouldn't hear my movements and realize I'd been listening in.

"I dunno, Xemmy," Xigbar drawled in his now-familiar style. "Sometimes, when I look at her, I almost imagine she could escape our fate, keep her sanity. Maybe she's just naïve enough that she could manage to live in this place, forever unchanged."

"Absurd, Number Two. Such fancies are useless. You're not a schoolboy who stands something to gain from her; the preservation of her innocence will not earn you redemption. Or have you forgotten?"

I kept moving quietly until I had made it to the stairs, straining to hear Xemnas' words by now.

"We are all beyond saving."


	12. under the beautiful blue sky, we were bo

"under the beautiful blue sky, we were both a little afraid"

I strongly considered visiting Vexen and spending some time with my mentor, but as I began stiffly walking down the stairs, I realized by the second flight that I was absolutely exhausted...in more ways than one.

My body hurt from head to toe...and I felt so _empty_.

Not feeling very sociable, I ended up detouring to my room, plopping face-first into my bed.

_Don't let your memory chain yourself to a life of meaningless emotion..._

_ Alone..._

_ Can us Nobodies like anyone, really?..._

_ Lost..._

_ Let's go home..._

_ Perhaps you're more dense than I'd imagined..._

_ That was for what you did to Vexen!..._

_ Hatred..._

_ You don't deserve to be able to pretend you feel like that! You're nothing, same as me!..._

_ You're gonna have to do better than that, dollface..._

_ Scared..._

_ We are all beyond saving..._

Dozens of voices swirled in my mind, words repeating over and over in my head. Ironically, I realized, none of them were even human. Then again, neither was I...

I lay face down, trying to sort through my mental processes, for what felt like forever. My body ached, and I had no desire to move, or even to turn my head to better breathe the stale air or see the bone-white, morbid walls.

"How long are you planning on laying there, sweetheart?"

I hadn't even heard Xigbar teleport in.

Unwilling to deal with him at the moment, I groaned in response instead. One side of my bed depressed slightly, and I assumed the clever, scarred man had sat down on it.

"How much did you hear?" He asked quietly, one hand moving to my shoulder. I wanted to shrug it off, but out of sheer laziness, I remained immobile.

"Enough," I mumbled into my pillow. He sighed, long, strong fingers squeezing my shoulder gently.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"...no," I grunted after a moment's hesitation.

"You sure?"

"...no," I sniffed, turning my face towards the man. His golden eye was fixed warmly on me, and he raised his eyebrow, prompting me to start the conversation. "_Am _I too naïve?"

"Tough question, sweetheart," he sighed, swiveling his eye to stare up at the ceiling. "You do have some stuff to learn, yeah, but I wouldn't want you to end up as callous and crazy as I am."

"I don't think you're callous or crazy," I told the Freeshooter. A ghost of a smile flitted across his face, but he didn't answer me. I sighed, turning over on my side so that I could better converse with the man. "Xigbar, we're friends now, right?"

"Course we are," he laughed amicably, a sound completely different than the hollow one I'd heard echoing down the hallway earlier. "Amazing how a life-or-death situation can bond two Nobodies, huh?" When I didn't laugh or even smile, he sighed. "Listen, just 'cause we can't feel emotions towards each other – like affection or loyalty, or even happiness at seeing each other – that shouldn't mean that we can't get along well as people. We've still got that."

"Yeah," I said slowly. "I guess you're right."

We sat a few moments in silence, and I made no effort to get up. I still had to ask Xigbar if we were, like the Superior said, beyond saving, but somehow, forming that question was harder than any of the others had been. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Hey, sweetheart," Xigbar broke the silence, chuckling and ruffling my hair. "I know what'll cheer you up. How does some ice cream sound? It'll be my treat."

"You don't have to do that," I told the man, not budging. I was practically bursting to ask him my question, but throwing it into conversation seemed a little bit awkward now that the topic had changed. I regretted not mentioning it earlier.

"Hey, c'mon," he pressed, nudging my shoulder now. "What else are friends for?"

I groaned, but he was already attached to the idea, and it seemed like there would be no dissuading him. He began nudging my shoulder harder than before, chuckling to himself as his hands wandered to my neck, long fingers beginning to tickle the sensitive skin there.

"Okay, I'll go!" I surrendered, stifling my forced laughter as I sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. "Just don't tickle me again!"  
>Xigbar laughed triumphantly, throwing his warm arm around my shoulder and dragging me into a Dark Portal. I groaned yet again, making a mental note not to let him have his way too often.<p>

As I was forced into the hallway of leering yellow eyes and purply-black tentacles, I realized that I still had to ask him if we were beyond redemption. I'd just have to remember to do that later and see what he had to say.

At least, I'd ask him if I decided I wanted to know.

"Two sea-salt ice creams, lady," Xigbar drawled, handing the shopkeeper some Munny. She eyed us suspiciously, probably wondering if we were part of some sort of all-black-wearing cult or something.

Which, to be fair, wasn't that far from the truth, really.

She moved behind the counter to a refrigerator, pulling out two large, blue popsicles on a stick and handing one to Xigbar, one to me.

"Thank you," I called to the shopkeeper as we left the cozy store. She didn't respond, and I frowned, wondering if we were really that intimidating. Xigbar pushed the door open, a tiny bell tinkling, and we stepped into the warm, salty air and sunset glow that was Twilight Town.

"Next time, we find some casual clothes to wear," I told the taller man, noticing just how scary he really did look. His intimidating Organization cloak was enough to frighten most people, but that scar and eyepatch were enough to scare anyone.

"Pft, as if!" He laughed, grinning down at me. "Scaring the citizens is half the fun!" I frowned at him, but he didn't seem to notice. Instead, he threw his arm around my shoulders yet again, telling me to hang on. I grabbed the forearm draped around me as quickly as I could, and almost instantly, I felt the bizarre sensation of teleporting seeping through my body.

When it left me, we were on top of City Hall, perched on the pinnacle of the roof. Luckily, the flat strip between the two downward slopes of the roof was thickly tiled, and more than broad enough to stand on. Without a word, Xigbar released me and sat down, folding his long legs under him Indian-style. I settled down next to him, close enough that our knees touched.

"Have you tried the sea-salt ice cream yet?" He asked me, his one good eye sweeping over the majestic view we had. I tentatively licked the blue popsicle, finding it to have the consistency of ice cream, not frozen juice, as I'd expected.

"It's delicious," I admitted, rather surprised. "It's the perfect combination of sweet and salty!"

"I thought you'd like it," Xigbar chuckled. "Most people do."

"Thanks for the treat, Xig," I smiled, feeling a little bit better somehow.

We sat in silence for a while, enjoying the ice cream and the view. I found myself mesmerized by the sea, watching the sun's rays glittering bright as diamonds on the undulating waves. I became aware of the wind through my hair, the call of gulls as they circled through the orange sky, and the warmth of the sun as it kissed my skin, sinking through my own dark Organization robe.

"It's beautiful here," I murmured quietly, feeling relaxed, almost sleepy. "Sunset is my favorite time of day, you know."

"Guess we found the right world for you, then," Xigbar chuckled, giving his own sea salt ice cream a lick. "It's always sunset here."

"Can we come back tomorrow? I'll pay for the ice cream this time," I added quickly, hoping he didn't think I was trying to take advantage of his generosity.

"Sounds fine to me," Xigbar agreed. I smiled, wrenching my eyes off the beautiful sea and turning to look at my friend. To my surprise, his face was empty of emotion, almost sad, judging by the way the corners of his mouth were turned down slightly.

"Xig, you okay?" I asked, wondering what was bothering the man. He'd taken it upon himself to cheer me up, so I figured the least I could do was to check up on him in return.

"Yeah," he responded listlessly. I frowned. Something _was_ bothering him. "Actually, no, but...never mind." He exhaled sharply through his nose then, diving back into his sea-salt ice cream.

I pulled my feet underneath my body, giving myself leverage to scooch across the tiled roof, closer to the scarred man. When I was close enough to him, I snaked my arm around his broad shoulders, my hand idly toying with his long, ponytailed hair.

"Anything I can do?" I asked quietly, wishing he'd at least turn to look at me. As it was, his golden eye was fixed on the waves, as if he'd find the answer to his problems on the rolling tide. He stopped attacking his ice cream for a moment, though, giving pause at my words.

"Sing for me," he responded, still listless, his voice empty like it had been in the Superior's office. I wondered, for just a moment, if his cheerful, laid-back self was all a ruse, a charade he put on to seem normal.

"Sing? Um...sing what?" I asked, rather startled at his request. I didn't even have a decent singing voice, really. Why would he want to hear my amateur warblings?

"Anything. Nothing too happy or sad, though. Just...sing anything in-between." Xigbar still wouldn't look at me, and I frowned, squeezing his shoulders tighter.

Opening my mouth, I began to sing quietly, a song of memories, reminiscing, fear, and a world with a future. A song of closings and beginnings.

I couldn't remember the whole song, though, and I stopped after the first stanza, certain that I'd been off-pitch a couple times and pretty awful to listen to. Xigbar seemed content anyways, a ghost of a smile, a memory dear to him, perhaps, hovering over his sharp visage.

"Do you think we can ever be whole again?" Xigbar finally asked me, his deep voice sounding very small and uncertain. I sucked in a breath. He wasn't supposed to be the one asking me this; I had expected to go to _him _for comfort on this question! He was supposed to have the answer!

But then, maybe there was no answer. Maybe every single Nobody worried about this the way that I had begun to. Maybe that was what Nonexistence consisted of: wondering if we had hope, a goal, or if we had condemned ourselves to be this way until our dying breath.

What a maddening way to live.

"Xiggy," I murmured gently, trying to bolster the man as much as possible. He had been a Nobody for years longer than I had, I was sure of that. I could only imagine the way that this question must have eaten away at him, frayed the edges of his consciousness; it was a marvel he hadn't gone insane over the years, really. He deserved some level of comfort. I chose my words carefully, uncertain of whether or not I, myself, believed them. That was irrelevant, though. What mattered was making them sound like the truth, so that _he _could have something to believe in. "If we could never be whole again, then why would fate allow us to even exist? If we had no hope, we wouldn't be sitting here, sentient, sharing this sunset together. We'd be dead, our consciousness unconnected to a body, floating around in the aether or the Darkness. But we're here. And as long as we are, then the universe hasn't entirely given up on us. As long as we're here, Xig...we've got a second chance."


	13. you show the lights that stop me, turn t

"you show the lights that stop me, turn to stone"

I didn't see Vexen until dinner, but as soon as I caught sight of my golden-haired mentor, I bounced straight over to him, leaving Xigbar alone with the slouchy teenager named Demyx.

"Good evening, Vexen," I called, moving over to the bony scientist with my plate of barbeque chicken in hand. The man nodded at me, fixing his emerald eyes on me briefly before turning back to the greens he was shoveling onto his plate.

"Good evening, Kanatrix," he said, somewhat coldly. For the first time, though, I wasn't hurt. I knew that my heart didn't really feel the pain of rejection that I thought should have been slicing through me.

"How was your day, Number Four?" I asked calmly, stepping in after him to grab a bit of salad myself. He glanced down at me again when I called him Number Four instead of his real name, but responded as casually as possible.

"Long and tedious," he sighed. "Truthfully, I need you back in the lab, Fifteen. My work efficiency has decreased significantly without you around."

"I'll check with Saix and make sure I don't have any missions tomorrow, then," I promised my mentor, giving him a small, artificial smile. He didn't return it, but I still didn't feel hurt.

What was I becoming?

"Dinner looks delicious as always, Xaldin," I told the large man with the dreadlocks as I walked by him, back out towards the dining table. Xigbar had somehow beat me to the table (teleportation, probably, I decided) and gestured at me to come sit next to him. I shook my head 'no' apologetically; I had barely seen Vexen all day today, and I felt I owed it to the blond man to spend some time with him, too. Xigbar scowled, but I knew he'd get over it. I couldn't spend my non-life attached to him at the hip, after all.

Vexen took his seat near the head of the table, and I sat down next to him, diving into my barbeque chicken.

"Kana," Vexen murmured, so quietly that I could barely hear him. "About our last interaction...I'm sorry that I lost my temper-"

"Don't be sorry," I interjected hastily, shrugging. Vexen arched both his eyebrows delicately, staring at me as if I had transformed into a different species. In a way, I realized, I had. "It didn't really hurt my feelings, and besides, it's not like you were really mad or really sorry. Let's just forget about it."

"Very well," Vexen agreed, nodding. "I'm quite pleased that you're showing so much maturity already, Kana."

"I had a lot of growing up to do," I recognized. I couldn't help but believe that I still had more left, but that didn't matter right now. I had other questions to ask of the scientist. "Vexen, today Xemnas explained to me the mechanism of the Keyblade, and how it captures hearts."

The flaxen-haired scientist by my side spluttered, nearly choking on his food.

"Why would he be discussing that with you?" The man whispered quietly, sounding more surprised than angry.

"My weapon _is _the Keyblade," I responded, trying not to sound too smug. "So anyways. Xemnas said that when the Keyblade captures hearts, you get to study and experiment on some of them, right?"

"Correct," Vexen replied, sifting half-heartedly through his greens and watching me carefully.

"Fascinating," I breathed, barely able to imagine the possibilities of what knowledge could be gained from such experiments. I had a million questions to ask Vexen about what he'd found so far, but those could wait just a little longer. "What about all the hearts that you don't experiment on, then? Where do they go? Do they just...stay in the Keyblade?"

"No, Kana. The extra hearts gather in Darkness, then merge together to create Kingdom Hearts," the man responded evenly. I frowned, not understanding what that was supposed to mean.

Someone sat down on the other side of me, and I glanced over to see who it was, pulled out of my conversation with Vexen.

"Hey, Saix," I greeted the blue-haired man casually.

"Kana," he acknowledged, with a tiny nod. "Vexen."

"So wait, Vex, what's this 'Kingdom Hearts'?" I asked quickly, hoping that my curiosity could yet be sated.

"You've seen it before," Saix interrupted, cutting Vexen off before he even got a chance to speak. I noticed that my mentor was now hunched over his greens, leering at Saix grumpily.

"I have?" I responded quickly, before Vexen said anything brash about disrespect, as he was wont to do.

"Certainly. Kingdom Hearts – or at least one form of it – is the heart-shaped moon that floats outside our very castle," Saix responded calmly, his voice like cold, smooth velvet.

"So why do we want to put hearts into it, then?"

"Kingdom Hearts is the heart of all worlds, the source of all hearts in existence. If we put enough hearts into that world, it will become complete," Saix explained, patient like always.

"And if it becomes complete, and the Organization can harness its power..." I realized, clarity dawning on me.

"Then yes, we will have our own hearts again," the blue-haired man whispered, a shadow passing over his face. "We'd be whole again. You can see why we're counting on you now, Kana. Wield the Keyblade well, and we will no longer be Nobodies."

I noticed how strongly his words echoed Xemnas', but said nothing, instead chowing down on my dinner, deep in contemplation. I barely noticed when a boisterous red-haired man sat down next to Saix, or, for that matter, when Vexen stood up to leave.

"Oh! Vexen, hang on a moment, please," I called, pulled out of my thoughts. "Saix, do I have any missions tomorrow? Or will I be spending my day in the lab?"

"The Superior has chosen to send you on another introductory mission," Number Seven answered me curtly before diving back into conversation with the red-haired man I still hadn't met.

"Well...it looks like you'll have to do without me for another day, Number Four," I sighed, wishing that I'd had the day off tomorrow. I would have liked to spend more time with Vexen, especially after my exhausting day with Xigbar. The blond didn't answer me, though, but merely huffed, walking away and muttering about how underappreciated and understaffed he had become.

I went back to picking at the remains on my plate, still thinking hard, my mind whittling away at some problem I hadn't yet worked through the outlines of.

Suddenly I realized it.

"Saix?" I asked the blue-haired man cautiously, noting that he had stopped talking to the red-haired Nobody.

"Yes?" He answered, not looking up at me.

"Where's a really good place in the castle for me to get a view of Kingdom Hearts?" I wanted, more than anything, to feast my eyes on my goal, to engrave into my memory the beautiful moon-world that I was fighting for.

To my surprise, Saix raised his head, looking at me with the tiniest amount of approval in his golden eyes. It was the first hint of emotion I'd ever seen on his face.

"I'll show you."

"The Addled Impasse," Saix announced with a sweeping gesture that encompassed the grand room from wall to wall. The sheer beauty of the architecture took my breath away; the room was panoramic, all white and metal, as per the Castle's norms...but an upper lip around the curved room formed a catwalk set next to impossibly high windows. Shining through these windows was the dim light of the beautiful Kingdom Hearts moon, its gentle glow pervading the room and casting stunning reflections on the Nobody symbols that cropped up around edges of the catwalk. "Come."

At a loss for words, I followed the man up to the catwalk. Once up on the broad walkway, we headed straight for the center of the room, where the view of Kingdom Hearts would be best. Our footsteps echoed in the bare room as we walked, and I found myself unwilling to speak and break the silence. It seemed sacred somehow.

Saix came to a stop, and I halted behind him, my eyes glued to the beautiful heart-shaped moon, suspended in the night sky directly in front of me.

This. This was what I was fighting for. In that moment, gazing upon the heart of all worlds, I knew that I would be willing to sacrifice everything, even my own life, to see Kingdom Hearts to completion.

It was my new purpose in life, my passion, my goal.

Without Kingdom Hearts, we were hopeless. Without Kingdom Hearts, we didn't deserve the second chance I'd told Xigbar we had gotten.

This moon meant everything.

"When Kingdom Hearts receives all the hearts it needs, we will truly, finally exist," Saix murmured quietly. I glanced at the man quickly, noticing that he was gazing at the moon more intently than even I had been.

I had no words to respond to him, no words to capture how much Kingdom Hearts now meant to me, but I tried anyways.

"Until then, I'll work tirelessly towards that goal," I promised Saix, my gaze back on the heart-shaped world. He showed no reaction, and I fell silent again, content to take in the view.

We stood there for what could have been minutes or hours; I wasn't sure.

Time seemed irrelevant when gazing upon the beauty and the promise of this, our sacred moon.


	14. the free animal always has its destructi

"the free animal always has its destruction behind"

After ages, I finally left Saix still standing in front of Kingdom Hearts and retreated to my room. The man didn't even notice me leave; I suspected he must have been deep in meditation. Overall, the experience had been cleansing, revitalizing...exactly what I needed. I'd see if Saix would be willing to allow me to come back to the Addled Impasse in a couple days. I could do with a couple hours of calm and reflection every now and then.

Content with this decision, I retreated to my room and slept deeply, exhausted after the excitement of my mission. Nothing felt better than to retreat into the unconscious bliss of somnolence.

And then something hit me in the back of my head, not too hard, but enough to jar me from my sleep. I groaned, rolling face-down and covering my exposed skull with my hands.

The object struck me again, a little bit harder this time. I realized dully that it was a pillow.

"Rise and shine, sweetheart," Xigbar's familiar voice laughed. I jolted, springing out of bed and grabbing the pillow he'd been hitting me with.

"What the _hell?" _I shrieked, smacking the man almost as hard as I could with the fluffy object. "What are you _doing in here?_ This is my room! I didn't let you in!"

"I teleported," Xigbar shrugged, raising his arms to cover himself from my attack. I didn't find his obvious statement amusing.

"I'm _aware_," I growled, beating him harder, herding him in the direction of the door. "Just because you can teleport -"

"Hey, c'mon sweetheart," Xigbar laughed, snatching the pillow unexpectedly from my grip and holding it above his head where I couldn't reach it. I cursed his height, and began wondering if I'd have to find something else to beat him with to get him out of my room. "If I didn't come get you, you would've overslept. You already missed breakfast." He waggled one gloved finger in my face.

"_Try knocking next time," _I hissed, still furious. His intentions might have been good, but there was no way that I wanted Number Two feeling like he had the right to teleport into my bedroom whenever he wanted. Realizing that I wasn't going to be getting that pillow back, I called my Keyblade to my side, knocking him in the leg with it just hard enough to sting slightly. I didn't want to actually _hurt_ him, after all.

"But knocking takes away half the fun," Xigbar laughed, dancing back out of reach of my Keyblade. I growled, moving past him to open the door of my bedroom, holding it for him and pointing out in a silent gesture for him to leave.

"Get out, Xigbar!" I yelled when he only stood there, smiling smugly at me. When my demand went unmet yet again, I moved back towards him, hitting him lightly with my Keyblade and chasing him towards the door.

"Sweetheart, sweetheart," Xigbar cooed, face lighting up. I knew I was feeding into his fire – he had wanted to see me get angry and worked up, and I'd obliged – but I didn't care much. "C'mon, now. You wouldn't want to hurt me -"

"Get out, you impossible man!" I yelled, trying not to crack a smile. He was infuriating, yes, but I somehow couldn't stay really angry at him, maybe because I'd realized that I really _had _overslept and would have been in pretty big trouble without him. All the same, I continued knocking his legs with the blunt side of the Keyblade, chasing him into the door jamb. "And grow some manners next time!"

"Aw, now -"

"Honestly, Xigbar, I had thought that by now you'd have learned not to mess with Keyblade wielders," a dispassionate voice intoned. I peeked around Xigbar's chest, noticing Xaldin walking by us in the hallway. The large man with the distinctive dreadlocks frowned at the Freeshooter, continuing, "You're going to end up losing your other eye."

"Shut up, Xaldin," Xigbar growled, finally turning to leave me in peace. I noticed that his upper body had slumped just a tiny bit as he began to walk away. Was that how his face had been disfigured? By someone like me?

"Xig," I called after the man, dismissing my weapon. He perked one pointed ear in my direction, but didn't turn to face me. "I'll see you in the Grey Area?"

"Sounds good, sweetheart," he called, raising one hand towards me before teleporting away.

"Leftovers from breakfast are downstairs in the fridge, Kanatrix," Xaldin informed me as soon as Number Two had left. "I'd suggest getting dressed properly, then hurrying down and eating as quickly as possible." He eyed my pajamas, and I blushed, stepping back until I was half-hidden behind the door jamb.

"Right," I agreed. "Thank you, Xaldin." The man nodded brusquely, his long dreadlocks swishing behind him.

"Fifteen," he called to me as I slipped further back, ready to shut my door and get dressed. "I don't know what's going on between you and Number Two, but I'd be careful around him if I were you. Xigbar is a dangerous man." Without waiting for a reply, Xaldin left me. What was that supposed to mean? I slumped against my wall, closing my door and staring at my bed. I had to go get dressed, go eat, and be ready for my mission...I just had to summon up the energy to do it all first.

As I stared blankly at my bed, trying to work up the willpower to get moving, I realized something.

Xigbar still had my pillow.

I walked out of the kitchen carrying a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast, newly heated up, and headed over to the Grey Area to socialize. Eating alone in the great big dining hall seemed less appealing than finding a space on a couch and enjoying some company.

Xigbar, I'd noticed, was nowhere to be seen. I frowned, wondering if he'd been upset by Xaldin's comment. Even if he was impervious to emotion, some memories were just better left alone.

"Hey," I smiled at the slouchy sitar-playing teenager. "Demyx, right?"

"Yup," the teen beamed at me. I was quite literally taken aback for a moment; I hadn't ever seen anyone greet a fellow member so cheerfully. His eagerness reminded me of...well, me. "Kanatrix, yeah?"

"Mmhmm," I nodded. Xigbar had introduced us yesterday, though only briefly, as I'd left to go sit with Vexen at dinnertime. "Mind if I take a seat?"

"Yeah, go for it," the teen chuckled, moving over to make room for me, and I sat down next to him on the white couch. I began shoveling my food into my mouth, aware that Saix wasn't in the Grey Area, but that he could show up at any given time. I couldn't be late for embarking on my mission. Meanwhile, Demyx had started humming quietly, playing a few chords on his sitar.

"You're really good," I complimented my fellow teen, surprised at how agilely his fingers danced across the strings. Demyx laughed, giving me a precious smile.

"Thanks," he grinned, strumming out some more lovely chords deftly. "I've been playing for most of my life."

"It really shows," I praised him, still watching.

"Xigbar told me you were pretty musically inclined yourself," Demyx offered, still smiling. "You play any instruments?"

"Oh! I've been playing piano since I was pretty young," I chirped, wondering if there was even a piano in the Castle, anyways. I hadn't seen one yet, at least.

"Hey, that's awesome," Demyx grinned, picking up his strumming speed and playing what sounded like the hook of a song. "We could do a duet sometime."

I grinned at the young man, liking him already.

"That'd be pretty cool," I agreed, still mesmerized by his fingers. He noticed my staring and leaned back into the couch, turning to face me better and playing a song in earnest. I shoveled breakfast into my mouth as I watched him play, remembering vaguely that as a Somebody I'd tried to learn guitar once, but found it too different from piano for my tastes. Demyx, though, seemed completely at home strumming his sitar. He was clearly a talented guy.

Before Demyx had finished playing, though, Saix walked in to the Grey Area. I sprang up and ran to put my empty plate in the kitchen, throwing a smile at Demyx over my shoulder as I went. He smiled sweetly back, and was still playing his song when I returned and jumped in line to be sent on my mission by Saix.

As I stood in line behind Marluxia, trying not to be too obvious about ogling his beautiful hair and face, Xigbar stepped into the Grey Area nonchalantly. He moved straight to the couch by Demyx's side and began chatting with the teen, not even taking notice of me.

I frowned, but couldn't spend too much time worrying about Xigbar's behavior, as I was next up in line.

"Good morning, Saix," I beamed at the serene Nobody in front of me. He nodded in reply.

"Kanatrix," he intoned. I noticed he looked tired; how long had he stayed in front of Kingdom Hearts last night? "Today, you'll be returning to Twilight Town with Demyx as your partner, as per the request of Xigbar and Xemnas. Your mission is to eliminate the Watchers, a form of Heartless that have begun to threaten the Town."

I nodded, eager to get going.

"Demyx!" Saix barked at the teen on the couch, startling me. "Get over here and get to work!"

Demyx groaned, standing up and making his way over to Saix reluctantly.

"_What_?" The teen scowled, his sitar disappearing. I blinked; was his sitar his weapon? Only weapons were supposed to be able to vanish like that, right?

"You're accompanying Kanatrix on a mission today," Saix frowned. "Try to learn a thing or two from her, won't you? She's punctual, for starts -"

"Look, do we have to leave right now? Can't this wait -" Demyx began.

"_No, _Number Nine," Saix snarled, his face contorting for a split second into something horrendous. I took a step back, astonished by what I'd seen. "You're leaving now." A Dark Portal opened, and both Demyx and I hesitated, though probably for very different reasons.

Demyx finally groaned, throwing up his hands in exasperation as he stepped into the portal. I tentatively touched my foot to it after he vanished, throwing one desperate look over my shoulder at Xigbar. The man was sprawled casually on the couch, watching me with his one good eye. He gave me a tiny nod of reassurance, and I swallowed, running into the portal after the teenage boy.

"Hey, what took you so long?" Demyx asked me as soon as I stepped out of the portal.

"Um, nothing," I replied quickly, unsure of what to say. "Sorry."

"No, no, it's fine," Demyx insisted, looking at me carefully. "You're as white as a ghost. You feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," I snapped, more tersely than I'd meant. I didn't want to have to tell Demyx that I was afraid of the Dark Portals, though. He'd probably think of me as a wimp. "So, we have to kill Watchers today, huh?"

"Uh, heh, yeah. About that. You should know that I'm really not much of a fighter," Demyx chuckled, rubbing his hand behind his head awkwardly. He began to walk, and I fell into step alongside of him. "Actually, I'm a coward, if you want the truth. I'm way better suited to recon than I am to fighting. So, uh, don't expect too much out of me."

I couldn't help but smile at Demyx, socking him gently in the arm.

"Just do what you can," I laughed with a shrug. After taking down that Darkside yesterday, I felt pretty confident that "Watchers," whatever they were, couldn't be much of a problem for me. Demyx had resummoned his sitar, and was strumming it as we walked, humming along quietly with a smile on his face.

"So...you and Xigbar are friends, right?" I asked, trying to keep our conversation going. Demyx fixed his sea-green eyes on me, his boyish face lighting up.

"Yup! Xigbar's one of the best friends I've got around here," Demyx beamed. "He thinks you and I will end up being pretty good friends, too. Did he tell you that?"

"No, he didn't mention it," I admitted, quickly adding, "But I'm sure he's right! You seem like a sweet guy." Demyx had looked almost hurt at first.

"You seem like a sweet girl," Demyx offered, picking up the pace and walking a little bit faster. "You're different from most of the Nobodies, you know?"

"Yeah," I agreed. "I've noticed. But you are, too. You're not like the rest of them." Demyx laughed, his sea-green eyes sparkling.

"Man, that's for sure!"

Demyx didn't prove to be much help when fighting the Heartless; strumming his sitar on occasion and sending bursts of water at our enemies seemed to be his limit. He was also pretty helpful with healing, judging by the Cura spell he'd cast on me once, but that was about it.

I wondered, for a moment, if this was Xigbar's revenge on me for refusing to help him slay the Heartless yesterday. I wouldn't put it past the clever man.

"We've fought five groups of Heartless so far, and only two of them had Watchers in them," I sighed, frustrated at our bad luck. "Guess we gotta keep moving, though."

"You know what I always say in times like these?" Demyx chirped. I glanced up at the boy, surprised that he had any experience at all in times like these. "Work smarter, not harder." He was grinning now, and I gave him a quizzical look. "If we sought out high ground, like on top of those buildings, we could have a pretty decent vantage point from which to see the Watchers." My eyes lit up, and I felt a newfound sense of appreciation for the sitar-slinging teen. Maybe he wasn't such a bother to have as a partner, after all. "And if we can see the Watchers, then _you_'ll be able to go kill them!"

Oblivious, Demyx skipped off, and I followed the teen, burying my face in my hands.

This was clearly Xigbar's revenge. I vowed to never intentionally snub the Freeshooter again.

Demyx's new plan of scoping out the Watchers had been fairly successful; I'd been able to locate and kill two more packs of the beasts. We were currently perched on top of a flat roof, Demyx pacing the square and checking to see if there were any more Watchers in sight.

"There's gotta be another one," he insisted, frowning. "I haven't felt the Corridor of Darkness open."

"The what?" I asked, hands on my knees as I gasped for breath. I couldn't imagine taking on a Darkside at this point. How had Xigbar done it?

"You know, the Dark portal-thingy," Demyx explained, waving me off. I frowned; I hadn't been aware that they had a proper name. "Hey, Kana, come check this out. Looks like we're having a little Organization show-down out here." Still frowning, I scurried to Demyx's side. He knelt until only his eyes were peering over the edge of the roof, tugging on my cloak until I followed his example.

"Twelve, you are, quite simply, the neophyte of neophytes," Saix was growling, circling around a man with very distinctive pink hair. "Surely, the Superior recognizes the depth of my commitment to our cause and values it above -"

"Apparently not, Saix," Marluxia laughed coldly. My stomach twisted; the man was just so damn beautiful, he even looked stunning when he was arguing. "Commitment pales in the face of sheer strength."

"Strength alone is not enough to lead," Saix hissed, his hair blowing in the wind. Strangely, it didn't lie back down, silky and shiny like always; it remained mussed, spiky.

"Nor is commitment," Marluxia retorted, folding his arms over his chest defiantly.

"Who do you think'll win?" Demyx whispered excitedly to me. I rolled my eyes.

"We have to go stop them from fighting," I insisted, beginning to stand up. Demyx immediately hushed me, throwing one arm around my shoulders and pulling me back down. I resisted, remembering how Saix himself had stated the value of conflict resolution within the Organization, but Demyx was stronger than he'd let on. I ended up dragged back down to peering over the raised edge of the roof. I frowned; Demyx was clearly no weakling, so why wouldn't he just _fight _already?

"There's no way you could stop those two, even if you tried," he told me darkly, his voice suddenly deepening. "They're too strong. Let them settle it among themselves."

"You don't know anything for certain unless you try!" I protested in hushed tones, trying to shrug his arm off of me.

"Look, I'm not gonna let you get hurt, okay?" Demyx snapped, his voice even deeper. I raised my eyebrows and turned to stare at him, rather shocked at his sudden take-charge behavior.

"You think you're so clever," Saix was growling below us. I gave up on trying to argue with Demyx, watching the scene below me unfold instead. "And worst of all, you think the Superior favors you for it! Castle Oblivion will be entrusted to _my _experienced hands."

Marluxia growled, settling into a fighting stance and calling his weapon to hand. The giant scythe arced through the air gracefully, its shaft coming to rest on Marluxia's shoulder.

"You don't want to do this, Marluxia," Saix warned, stepping back into his own stance and calling on his weapon. I gasped; Saix's weapon was gigantic, even bigger than Saix himself.

"What is that thing?" I breathed in Demyx's ear.

"Claymore," Demyx whispered back in mine. "So? Who are you betting on?" I could hear the playful smile in his voice, and I honestly didn't understand it. What about this fight made it a game? It seemed deadly serious to me. Demyx nudged me with his elbow, clearly expecting an answer nonetheless.

I hesitated. Part of me felt connected to Saix, especially after our time together in front of Kingdom Hearts; the man had been nothing but patient towards me, after all, if not exactly warm and fuzzy. Besides that, Saix's weapon was larger, and from up here, I noticed that his upper body seemed considerably more muscular than Marluxia's. I had never noticed it before, but the blue-haired man was very well built.

At the same time, I couldn't quite discredit Marluxia, if only because I found the pink-haired man to be absolutely, maddeningly gorgeous. Which, I reminded myself, wasn't much of a reason at all.

"I guess...Saix?" I whispered back to Demyx. He nodded, mouthing 'me too'.

"You fancy yourself far too talented and far too important," Marluxia was telling Saix even as the two men circled around each other. "You'd believe that Xemnas is attached to you, but you're a fool. Xemnas is a Nobody, same as us, and he's incapable of holding you dear to him. He values power...and quite simply, I've been catching his eye lately, Saix. Castle Oblivion will fall to the hands of the strongest."

I frowned. What on earth was this Castle Oblivion they kept discussing? I'd have to ask Demyx about it later, though judging by the confused look on his face, he seemed just as lost as I was. Maybe Xigbar would know, then.

"Do you know, Marluxia," Saix hissed, dismissing his Claymore and straightening up. His blue hair became silky and stunning again, though for what reason, I didn't have a clue. "You're absolutely right. Castle Oblivion _will _fall to the hands of the strongest. It's all yours." With that, Saix stepped into a newly-created Dark Corridor, disappearing from view and leaving a sour-faced Marluxia standing in the middle of Market Street.

"That was disappointing," Demyx huffed, sitting down and crossing his arms, pouting. I frowned; why had Saix given up? While I didn't want to see Marluxia's good looks damaged, neither did I want to see the blue-haired Nobody surrender. As unemotional and disconnected as Saix appeared, I thought of him as an ally, possibly even a friend. There was something in him that reminded me of myself, and seeing him give up felt like it was almost a personal matter. When I looked back to see if Marluxia was still hanging around, though, the handsome Nobody was already gone. In his place were the last of the Watchers moving in.

"Found the last Watchers," I announced to Demyx, summoning my keyblade. "I'll be back."

Demyx made no attempt to help me – not that I was expecting him to – and I climbed on awnings and trash cans, making my way down from the roof. Before I attacked the Heartless, I paused, looking directly into their feral yellow eyes for the first time. Were they conscious, sentient? Intelligent? Did they know I wanted to destroy them, wanted their hearts? Or did they just attack out of pure animal instinct?

Could they feel pain? Were they afraid as I raised my Keyblade, prepared to strike them from the face of Existence? Did they, perhaps, only pretend at these emotions, in the same way we did?

And if not, why, _why_, did they deserve to _feel _when we, the stronger beings, didn't?

Why were we rejected by our own hearts?


	15. merely to be mere, ly to be

"merely to be mere, ly to be"

"Mission completed," I informed Saix dutifully, trying not to give away any hints that would indicate that I'd seen him in Twilight Town earlier. As it was, I could barely keep from ogling the man. He seemed unscathed, so apparently he really had walked away from the fight with Marluxia.

Why?

"Good work, Kanatrix," Saix droned. "Did Demyx assist you in fighting?"

"Yes," I half-lied. He had been minimally helpful, but at least he'd done more than I had for Xigbar. Saix arched one blue eyebrow, but otherwise his expression remained unchanged.

"Very well," Saix barked. "Number Fifteen, Number Nine, you're both dismissed for the day."

Demyx pumped his fist in the air with a whoop, bouncing over to the couch. He leapt over the back, plopping down and immediately summoning his sitar. I rolled my eyes; he was so...lazy! I gave Saix a polite nod before turning to go, figuring I could find some way to make myself useful. He returned the gesture, and I made my way out of the Grey Area. Before I left, though, I glanced back over my shoulder at Saix. The tall Nobody noticed my gaze, and tilted his head slightly in questioning.

"Is everything all right, Saix?" I dared, feeling that he was out-of-sorts somehow.

"There is nothing wrong that you need concern yourself with," Saix responded, golden eyes narrowing somewhat. I swallowed and nodded before darting out of the Grey Area and into the adjacent metallic hallway as quickly as I could.

I considered going to help Vexen in the lab, but somehow, the prospect of working titrations for a few hours with no recompense didn't seem as exciting as it would have a week ago – and it didn't even seem exciting back then. I promised myself that I'd visit the blond later tonight and assist him in end-of-the-day cleanup work. I'd probably be most useful then, anyways. Until then, I needed my pillow back from Xigbar; I could never sleep soundly with just one.

Trying to demonstrate polite behavior for the man's benefit, I actually knocked on his door and waited patiently for him to answer. I heard him stirring inside, but even when I knocked again, he didn't come to open the door for me.

I growled under my breath. I wasn't in the mood to play some childish game of keep-away. I tried the door handle and found it, surprisingly, unlocked. Swinging open the door, I stepped into the man's chambers.

"Xigbar," I scowled, realizing that he'd left the room all dark, possibly to play a prank on me. The only thing illuminating the space was the light of Kingdom Hearts, visible outside the large window set into the metallic, bone-white wall. "I want my pillow back, you jerk."

I heard him stirring again, and turned towards the source of the sound, prepared to get jumped or something. He'd do something annoying like that just for the kicks, I knew.

To my surprise, he was actually curled up in his bed, blankets pulled up to his chin. I knew right then and there that I should just leave and take my pillow some other time, but I found myself staring, anyways. Xigbar had taken his long, lower-back-length hair out of its ponytail, and it fanned out on the bed around him beautifully. In the light of Kingdom Hearts, even his thick silver streaks were luminescent and stunning.

Even more surprising, though, was the fact that his eyepatch was off. My curiosity truly piqued, I stepped closer to him, leaning over him to try to get a good view of the eye that had been damaged by a fellow Keyblade wielder.

It wasn't so bad, I decided. His upper eyelid was gnarled and scarred in a manner reminiscent of his cheek, and his lower eyelid was partially destroyed so that it drooped. Even with his eyes closed, it sagged too much and didn't quite make contact with the entirety of his upper eyelid. I couldn't see the eye itself, but overall, the injury I could see wasn't as awful as I'd thought. Yes, he was deformed, and yes, it was a bit startling at first, but really, it didn't make him ugly or anything...

Unable to resist, I tenderly brushed a strand of silvery black hair off his cheekbone, letting it fall behind his pointed ear. As cliched as it was, he looked so innocent when asleep. I couldn't even be mad at him for stealing my pillow anymore.

Speaking of my pillow, where was it?

He only had two on his bed, which I assumed was the standard number that each Organization member was given. Where was mine, the third? I began poking around his room quietly, shuffling along the floor. A pillow couldn't be that hard to hide, really.

Xigbar rolled over so that he was facing me, and I froze, afraid the man had woken up. When I felt certain he was still sleeping, I resumed my search for the pillow, more quietly than ever before.

"Honestly, Kana," Xigbar sighed, making me jump. "Way to be a hypocrite."

"I knocked!" I protested, nerves in my stomach slowly relaxing. "Twice! I need my pillow back -"

"Kana," Xigbar interrupted me, his voice barely above a murmur and sounding uncharacteristically serious. "You can't just walk into my chambers when I don't know it's you. My self-defense reactions are much faster than my reasoning. You got lucky just now, 'cause I'd rolled over. As soon as I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was you, so I didn't shoot. But I could have shot you even if I wasn't facing you. You can't take that risk, sweetheart."

I flushed, feeling stupid.

"I didn't...I'm sorry," I sighed lamely. What had I been thinking? "I was being dumb."

"Yeah, you were," he agreed, propping himself up on one elbow. "You said you wanted your pillow back, sweetheart?" I moved to the side of Xigbar's bed, sitting down on the edge of it carefully.

"Yeah. I can't sleep without more than one pillow," I explained. "So can I please have it back?"

"As if!" Xigbar grinned, roaring with laughter. I scowled at the man, folding my arms over my chest.

"Why not?" I snapped, feeling my anger towards him returning. He had looked so _innocent _in his sleep; where on earth did that innocence go as soon as he woke up?

"Well, you see, sweetheart. Couple months ago, Axel managed to incinerate one of his own pillows," Xigbar began. I didn't know who Axel was, but my guess was that he either really liked fire, or else he was clumsy, or else it was his element. Or maybe all of the above. "He couldn't sleep with just one pillow either, so he stole one from Larxene, who needed more than one pillow, too, so she stole one from Vexen, and he stole one from Zexion...well, you get the idea. Eventually, I ended up being the pillowless one, and man, did it stink! So after a couple days of crappy sleep, I decided to snatch one from you. If you want a pillow, you're gonna have to steal it back from someone." Xigbar laughed, pinching my face teasingly. I batted his hand away, noticing how rough and calloused his ungloved skin was.

"You expect me to believe that?" I quipped cynically. Knowing him, he was just telling me some fantastic story that was designed to get me in trouble. Who would believe me when I told them I was sneaking into their room to steal their pillow because it was all a part of some game Xigbar had made up?

"Um, yeah?" Xigbar responded, raising his eyebrows at me. "Ask Demyx. You can even ask Larxene, if you want. It's a true story." I scowled at him, not sure if I should really believe him, when I suddenly noticed that I could see the damage to his injured eyeball now that his eyes were open. I snuck in a glance at his injured eye, trying not to appear too obvious about it, but too curious to politely resist a peek.

The golden orb had a huge milky white slash down the middle of it, obscuring most of his iris and pupil. The slash spiderwebbed outwards from the center, tendrils of blind opacity seeping across his whole eye. The thickest part of the slash lined up with the gnarled skin on his upper lid and the droopiest segment of his lower lid, making me guess that he'd probably taken a direct hit to his eye socket from a Keyblade. It was a miracle he even still had his eye, to be frank.

I glanced away before he even noticed that I'd looked at his injury, and he said nothing, apparently not offended.

"Fine," I responded, a beat later than I should have. "I'll ask Demyx. He'll tell me the truth."

Xigbar snorted, sitting up in his bed and leaning his back against the headrest.

"You do that, sweetheart," he muttered, stretching and yawning lazily. His bedsheets pooled around his narrow, bare waist, and my eyes swept over the rest of his toned torso quickly.

Apparently, his face wasn't the only thing with a scar.

Large strips of discolored, raised and gnarled skin crossed his shoulders and his chest, some reaching to his back. One large scar arced across his upper abs, apparently originating from somewhere down near his hips. There had to be around six or seven large scars on his torso that I could see from this angle.

A bit too late, I realized I was rudely staring.

"What do you think, sweetheart?" Xigbar murmured, watching his own fingers run over a cicatrice that marred his pectorals. "I'm hideous, aren't I?"

"No, Xig -"

"Don't lie to me," he snapped, both his golden and milky eyes glaring at me. "I know what I look like."

"Yeah, but you don't know what _I _see," I answered, carefully reaching out and pressing my fingertips to a barely-healed gash on his upper shoulder. He didn't pull away or swat my fingers off him; encouraged, I began tracing the scar tenderly. I wondered if he had gotten this yesterday, in Twilight Town with my unhelpful self.

"What do you see, then?" He asked bitterly, unable to look at me.

"I see a man whose face and body is the very epitome of mortality, an expression of the humanity within," I began slowly, knowing that I had to choose my words carefully. Xaldin's words echoed in the back of my mind: _Xigbar is a dangerous man. _"You've lived your life, made mistakes, sure, but at least you lived, regardless of the consequences. All of this..." I gestured to his deformed eye first, moving on to motion at his scars. "...is proof that you once existed. That you do exist. So, in a way, every mark on you is actually quite beautiful."

"Beautiful, my foot," Xigbar drawled, still not looking at me. "You should be a poet or something, though, Kana. Maybe write Xemnas' speeches."

"I'm not done," I informed Xigbar. This surprised him, and he raised both his eyes to mine, holding my gaze. "There's another part to what I see, and it goes beyond the scars. Because, right now, looking at you, I don't just see flesh and bones. I see the best friend I've got around here." I cupped his scarred cheek in my right hand, inching just a bit closer to him. "Xig, the package you come in is irrelevant." Tenderly, I pressed a chaste kiss onto his deformed eyelid, being careful to be as gentle as possible. I pulled away from him quickly, giving him a reassuring smile. He didn't deserve to think of himself as hideous.

Slowly, as if he couldn't believe what had just happened, he touched his fingertips to the spot I'd just kissed.

"No one's ever..." he paused, shaking his head as if to clear it. "You're really something else, sweetheart," he murmured, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me into his chest. I snuggled into his warmth happily, embracing him in return and feeling very content. "Tell you what - just for that, I'll _let _you have your pillow back," he laughed, the deep rumbling echoing through his ribcage.

"How generous of you," I chuckled, considering smacking the impossible man playfully in the shoulder. I thought better of it, though, choosing instead to twirl his unbound hair between my fingers.

He'd already taken more than one lifetime's fill of pain, and I didn't want to add to it.


	16. i who have always believed too much in w

"i who have always believed too much in words"

"Honestly, Xig, we have to start wearing normal clothes," I hissed at the man as we left the Sea-Salt Ice Cream Shop. "That poor lady is starting to get really creeped out. People in all black, visiting her shop every day -"

"I know, isn't it the greatest?" Xigbar threw back his head as he roared in laughter. "I'm thinking next time, I'll walk in straight after a battle with the Heartless, so I'll be all sweaty and dirty and have my guns out -"

"You're gonna end up getting arrested!" I shrieked at the man, unable to resist chuckling a little bit. He was a riot, I had to admit.

"Yeah, if they can catch me," he grinned, his large arm finding its way around my smaller shoulders. "Hang on, sweetheart." I wrapped one arm around his mid-back, sidling closer to his chest, and in the next instant, we were teleporting.

We ended up on top of City Hall again, and Xigbar sat down on the flat, tiled strip between the two eaves of the roof. He patted the spot directly next to him, and I settled down by his side, wrapping my arm around his back again. He chuckled, ruffling my hair.

"I'm so glad we got to come back here," I sighed, mesmerized by the sea in the distance again. "It's really beautiful."

"You really do love this place, huh?" Xigbar questioned.

"Yeah," I agreed, wishing, not for the first time, that I lived here.

"Tell you what, Kana," Xigbar offered, moving his hand from the top of my head to my shoulders, pulling me against his warm body. I smiled up at the man, aware that even though I couldn't feel emotion towards him – not even the slightest form of happiness at his affections – my mind was content, and that was the most rewarding thing I'd experienced since becoming a Nobody. "How about we come here after work _every_ day, since you like it so much?"

"You really mean it, Xiggy?" I beamed up at the man, our faces close enough for me to make out the details of the scar on his cheek. It didn't seem to be a burn scar, as I'd first assumed it to be when I met him; rather, I began wondering if that scar, too, had come from a Keyblade.

Xigbar gave his ice cream a lick.

"Xiggy," he chuckled, shaking his head. "That's cute. But yeah, I mean it."

I smiled, making a mental note to call him 'Xiggy' more often.

We sat for a long moment in silence, enjoying the view, the ice cream, and the mental peace that came with the mere presence of the other. I closed my eyes, content, reveling in the sunset glow that warmed my skin.

"Hey, Xiggy," I murmured, remembering that I'd been intending on asking either him or Demyx this question. "What's Castle Oblivion?"

The man whirled on me, his golden eye narrowed dangerously.

"Where did you hear that term mentioned?" He growled. I jumped, completely shocked. I hadn't expected him to react so strongly to my question.

"Um -"

"Tell me the truth, Kana," Xigbar ordered, towering over me. I became aware not only of how much taller he was than me, but also of how much stronger. His neck muscles were clenched, each standing out rather prominently. Xigbar may have been rather wiry compared to some of the other Organization members, but he was still well-built and much more powerful than I was.

My mouth dried out and I fumbled for words.

"Me and Demyx noticed Saix and Marluxia arguing in Twilight Town, when we were on our mission. They had their weapons out and were going to fight each other over who was gonna get Castle Oblivion," I blurted, hoping to quell his sudden ferocity. "Saix ended up walking away from the fight. That's all I know about it, I swear." My eyes widened, staring up at Xigbar with as much innocence and honesty as I could muster up.

Xigbar's face relaxed, and he let out a breath, settling back down by my side. I, too, let out a breath, unaware that I'd even been holding it.

"So, Seven and Flower-boy had an argument, huh?" Xigbar mused to himself, seemingly oblivious to the fear I'd shown. I sighed; he may have been able to seem affectionate toward me at times, but that didn't necessarily mean he cared. "Man, this is gonna get real interesting, real fast!" He chuckled, taking a bite off of his sea-salt ice cream and smirking to himself.

"But...what's Castle Oblivion?" I squeaked timidly, afraid of incurring Xigbar's ferocity again.

The Freeshooter frowned down at me, and for a split second, I felt certain that I would have been better off not asking. Then he gently cupped my chin in his hand, staring into my eyes intently, as if he was reading my very mind.

"Can you keep a secret, sweetheart?" He finally asked, his golden eye still boring through me.

"Of cou-"

"Ah, ah, ah," Xigbar tutted, pressing one gloved finger to my lips. I fell silent, confused. The larger man was smiling predatorially at me, his eye gleaming with a feral light. I shifted uncomfortably; I hated this side of Xigbar. "Don't just agree on a whim, now, little Kana. If I tell you this secret, you ally yourself with me, for better or worse. But if I hear that you've spilled the beans, that would make you a traitor. And Organization rules state that traitors are eliminated."

I swallowed hard, my eyes widening as I tried inching away from Xigbar just a tiny bit. He grabbed my chin harder, though, keeping me in place, his golden eye narrowing even further. I noticed that his smile had turned into a bit of a snarl.

"I can keep a secret," I breathed, terrified. Xaldin had been right when he'd told me that Xigbar was dangerous. I hadn't meant to get myself tangled up in this mess at all!

Xigbar released his vice-like hold on my chin, pulling away with a smile playing across his lips. He raised his chin up in victory, gazing down at me through his dark eyelashes.

"Good girl, Kana," he cooed, reminding me of Vexen on the day that he'd allowed me to write my own data down in his leather book of records. I shivered involuntarily. "Now to answer your question, sweetheart. Castle Oblivion is a top-secret pet project of Xemnas' at the moment. I wasn't even aware that Marluxia was in the loop; as far as I knew, only me and Saix were aware of the Castle." He frowned, and I stared up at him, my fears vanished, replaced instead by curiosity and surprise that the Freeshooter was one of the select to have heard about Castle Oblivion. Sure, I knew Xigbar was Number 2, but I tended to forget just how powerful the normally laid-back man really was. "Anyways. The Castle's still in the fledgling state of being planned out, but it'll be the Organization's second home. Xemnas is considering relocating...certain members to Oblivion."

"What members?" I asked eagerly, fascinated.

"We haven't decided what members yet, sweetheart," Xigbar laughed, ruffling my hair. "If we had, then Marluxia and Saix wouldn't have been arguing over which one of them would be in charge of Oblivion."

"Oh," I managed, realizing just how obvious that had been. "Right. But hey, you have a higher rank than either of them," I pointed out, taking note that Xigbar was Number 2, whereas Saix and Marluxia were 7 and 11, respectively. "Like, a much higher rank. Wouldn't it make sense that neither of them would get to be in charge of Oblivion, and _you _would?"

Xigbar chuckled, pulling me into a hug. I resisted at first, reminding myself that I was just a disposable asset he didn't – couldn't – truly care about, but soon enough I found myself leaning into him. He was, after all, the best friend I had around here, imperfect though he was...and it didn't hurt that he was Number 2 in this organization, either.

"Sweetheart, you crack me up," he drawled, holding me to his shoulder. "As if I'd want to have to deal with a whole castle to run. That's too much responsibility for this Freeshooter. It'd weigh me down."

I giggled, taking a bite out of my sea-salt ice cream and savoring the taste. Xigbar _did _have a point; being entrusted with a castle might have been empowering, but at the same time, it almost seemed like too much of a bother.

"So wait, Xig, I have another question," I told the man, resting my cheek on his well-muscled shoulder so that I could see the ocean. "Why do we need Castle Oblivion? What's the Organization gonna do with this second home?"

Xigbar hesitated, and for a long moment, I thought he was going to refuse to tell me.

"The Organization's made more than a few enemies in its day," Xigbar sighed, his large hand pressing into my back and pulling me a bit closer to him. "Castle Oblivion will be kind of like an outpost designed to deal with those enemies."

"What, like Heartless?"

"Not quite, sweetheart," was all he said.

"Xigbar?"

"Yeah?"

"You guys are still deciding which members are going where, right?"

"Yeah."

"And you and Saix and Xemnas are making those decisions, right? So you have a say in things?"

"Yeah," Xigbar laughed, finishing up the last of his ice cream. "Why do you ask?"

"Can you try and make sure that I get assigned to whichever castle you're put in?" I questioned meekly, not wanting to push my luck with him. The last thing I wanted was to see his fierce nature emerge again.

"For you, sweetheart? Consider it done," Xigbar laughed, tapping my nose playfully with his index finger. I laughed, unsure of what to make of the man. One moment, he was affectionate and gentle in a laid-back way, but that was all a charade, wasn't it? In the next moment, he could switch, become truly heartless.

"Sweetheart?"

"Yeah, Xiggy?"

"I really do mean it, though. If you let on that you know _anything _about Castle Oblivion, I'll have to kill you."


	17. and oh, poor atlas he was a beast of a

"and oh, poor atlas; he was a beast of a burden"

I knocked on the door of Vexen's laboratory, eager to see my blond mentor again. I'd been spending an awful lot of time with Xigbar, I knew, which wasn't a bad thing in itself, but I didn't like how much time it took away from Vexen. The scientist had, after all, been the first Nobody to show me any semblance of friendship within these castle walls.

"Vexen?" I called, nudging open the door. I couldn't help but remember the last time I'd gone looking for him in his lab and he hadn't answered me. My blood still boiled when I thought of what Larxene had done to him. "Vexen?" I repeated, slightly louder. When there was no answer, I gritted my teeth, barging straight into the lab and heading for the office at the back.

The door was open.

This was bad.

I peeked in around the door jamb, trying to remain as stealthy as possible. If Larxene was in there, I wanted to catch her red-handed.

To my surprise, Vexen was alone in his lab, pacing the floor with a picture frame in hand. The edges of the frame were golden yet well worn; did he do this often? As he turned his back to me, pacing away unawares, I caught a glimpse of the photograph he was fixated on.

A young boy with shaggy indigo hair, wearing an oversized white lab coat and carrying a small book in his arms, was holding hands with a tall, thin, yet strikingly handsome blond man. The blond's hair was long, pulled back in a loose ponytail, and his eyes were a light shade of green. A very content smile graced his thin lips – the look of a proud father. The blond also wore a white lab coat (though his fit better than his child's), which was slightly open, revealing a black suit and a purple ascot at his throat. In his free arm, he, too, carried a book. The pair appeared to be in some sort of garden, clearly in the Realm of Light.

I gasped.

That blond man – was that...?

"Fifteen!" Vexen snapped, finally turning towards me and noticing my presence. He quickly hid the photograph behind his back, folding his arms behind himself as if he had nothing there at all. "What are you doing, skulking about in my lab?"

"I came to help you clean up," I responded as level-headedly as I could. "I called for you, but when you didn't answer, I thought maybe Larxene was here again..."

"I see," Vexen said testily. "Well, since I am perfectly safe, perhaps you ought to start with the clean-up work -"

"Vexen!" An unfamiliar voice called out.

"What is it, Zexion?" Vexen answered, shooing me away with his free hand. I frowned at the blond and remained stubbornly put. I wasn't quite done with him yet, and after my training with Xigbar and Demyx, I wasn't exactly terrified of Number Four anymore.

"Earlier today, I noticed an odd scent in the – oh, hello," the Nobody named Zexion stopped dead in his tracks upon seeing me. "I don't believe we've formally met."

I tried not to gape at him. The Nobody in front of me looked exactly like an older version of the young slate-haired boy in Vexen's picture; the only difference was that Zexion's bangs had been allowed to grow longer over the years.

"No, I don't believe we have," I recovered quickly, taking note of how polite the young man was...and how _short_. I hadn't been aware that there was an Organization member who was shorter than even myself. The realization made me feel a little bit less weak. "I'm Kanatrix. Number Fifteen."

"Zexion. Number Six," the young man responded, shaking my hand politely yet firmly. "It's a pleasure to meet you -"

"Kanatrix was just on her way out to the lab to clean up for the day, wasn't she?" Vexen interjected, one hand rubbing his jaw as he glowered at me.

"Honestly, Vexen, treating other members so brashly is rather deplorable," Zexion frowned up at the blond scientist.

"No, no, it's all right," I assured Zexion, backing away. "I really do have to start cleaning up if I'm to get to dinner at a decent hour. It was very nice meeting you, though," I added with a smile.

"I'm certain I'll see you around," Zexion replied with a gentlemanly nod of his head. He was very well-mannered for someone so young, and he certainly seemed to be quite intelligent, as well.

As I grabbed some cleaning supplies and a towel, heading for Vexen's lab bench, I couldn't help but smile to myself. Vexen, for all his flaws and the difficulty he had when dealing with me, was a good man at heart. Or, at least, he obviously made a good father; he'd apparently raised Zexion right.

While I busied myself washing Vexen's used glassware and scrubbing at some chemical stains on the lab bench's surface, Vexen and Zexion busied themselves by conversing in Vexen's office. Admittedly, I tried my best to eavesdrop on the pair, but their voices were nothing more than a hushed murmur. Eventually, I gave up, moving away from the office door resignedly and cleaning with renewed fury.

Although I attacked Vexen's mess diligently, I didn't finish up by the time that my flaxen-haired mentor and his son broke conference.

"I'm certain I'll see you at dinner, Vexen," Zexion called, making his way out of the office. His footsteps approached my work area, and paused for a moment. "Hard at work, I see. Excellent. I dislike laziness, and quite honestly, the Organization could use more dedicated members like you. Keep up the good effort, Fifteen."

"Oh! Thank you, Six," I responded, feeling that I shouldn't use his name yet if he hadn't mine. Calling him by a number was awkward, but I supposed it was something I needed to adapt to. "I'll continue doing my best." Zexion smiled politely before moving on, his footsteps carrying him out of the laboratory.

I bobbed on the balls of my feet for a second, bouncing out of sheer joy of having another successful interaction with a fellow Organization member. Maybe Xigbar was right, and maybe I wasn't too naïve. Maybe I was just naïve enough that I could play the game while bending it to my own rules.

Maybe I didn't have to lose myself in the process.

"Kana," Vexen's familiar voice, calling from his office, interrupted my thoughts, almost causing me to drop the burette I was busy cleaning. I managed to save the fumble, though, cursing myself for not being more conscientious when working with wet, very slippery glassware. "Come here, please."

I put the burette away in its proper drawer, calling to Vexen,

"Coming!"

I slipped through his office door, which Zexion had apparently left slightly ajar. Vexen was seated behind his desk, both his hands folded together. He was staring at his desk intently, though I didn't see anything of interest to look at.

"Close the door behind you," Vexen instructed me. I obeyed, leaning my back against the door as soon as I'd shut it. "Have a seat," Vexen sighed wearily, gesturing at a foldable chair that sat, rather out of place, across from his seat. I plopped down in the chair, noticing that it was still warm.

"What's up, Vexen?" I asked gently, knowing the scientist had something rather significant on his mind. If I encouraged him to just open up about it, then perhaps our meeting would go more smoothly.

"You saw the photograph," he stated. It wasn't quite a question, but I still felt the need to answer.

"I did," I admitted bluntly. Vexen sighed, tangling his fingers desperately in his beautiful golden locks as his head drooped even further. He looked, in a word, tormented.

"As I'm sure you've realized, the man in that photograph was my Somebody, and the child was Zexion's Somebody," Vexen bitterly told me. "Back then, Zexion's name was Ienzo, and my name was Even."

"Even," I murmured quietly to myself, trying it out for size. The name seemed to connotate an entirely different man than the one I sat facing.

"Yes," Vexen nodded, finally raising his eyes to mine. "Even." He sighed, recomposing himself so that his hands were folded politely on the desk before him once more. "Even was not Ienzo's biological father. Both these humans lived in a world called Radiant Gardens, which was a rather small world, you see. Both of Ienzo's parents tragically died when he was rather young. I and my coworkers agreed to take in Ienzo, and somehow, I became his...primary caregiver -"

"His father," I corrected Vexen. "You were his father."

"I was his father," the man groaned miserably, emerald eyes flashing in pain. "He trusted me, and I led him down the wrong path. Zexion would have been better off with anyone else in Radiant Gardens looking after him. He wouldn't have become the heartless atrocity he is – no, that we all are – today. It's no wonder he doesn't care for me anymore," Vexen shuddered. I frowned; he was either very good at faking emotion, or else these were some powerful memories he was dredging up. "I wouldn't have cared for a father who brought a fate worse than death upon me, either."

I sighed, sitting for a long moment in silence with Vexen. The flaxen-haired scientist refused to look at me, instead glaring at the desk, his long fingers massaging his temples.

Truthfully, I didn't know what to say.

"But it's not really a fate worse than death," I began, unsure of how to comfort the man.

"That all depends on how much hope you have left, Kana," Vexen sighed, still not looking at me. "I sometimes think that's why I have so much trouble understanding you. You're more than the logical collection of facts that I, as a scientist, have become. You've still got hope. I'm not sure if even Zexion, for all his youth, can say that anymore."

"On his way out, he said that the Organization needs more hard workers," I offered. It was a tenuous link, but it was still something. "He wouldn't have said that if he'd lost hope on getting his heart back, would he?"

"Perhaps not," Vexen admitted, his eyebrows furrowing. "No, perhaps not."

"And besides," I added, feeling somewhat bolstered at the scientist's words. "Zexion may have thought that showing pain at your fates would have hurt you more. No father wants to see their child hurting, and he probably knew that."

Vexen finally did raise his emerald eyes to me, maintaining shaky eye contact.

"No father wants to lose their child the way I've lost mine, either," he murmured, his voice husky. "Kana, tell me. Why do you care about this? Why are you trying so hard to make me feel better, even though it's impossible? Or have you forgotten that I feel nothing?"

I bit my lip, my brain working a million miles a minute. I couldn't very well tell the scientist that cheering him up was the 'right thing to do' or that it was 'a part of my nature'; he'd simply remind me of the fact that I was a Nobody, and therefore had no conscience and no true nature, only memories.

Then why did I do it, anyways?

My mind flashed back to Xigbar and our first day eating ice cream together. His cheerful exterior had, for a minute, crumbled, and I'd seen the hopelessness within his shell. I'd tried to cheer him up then, too, if only because...

"You deserve to have more hope than what you've got," I told Vexen with a gentle smile. Vexen smiled back, shaking his head in disbelief.

"It's easy to say that now," Vexen chuckled darkly. "But there's much about the Organization that you have yet to learn. We don't deserve hope, Kana, but we grasp at it blindly anyways, and it still rejects us. We've resigned ourselves to this fate, in the same way that Sisyphus alone was responsible for his hopeless existence."

"I believe otherwise," I told the scientist rather flatly. He leaned back in his chair, inspecting me carefully, as if I was a specimen on a microscope slide.

"Yes," Vexen said, still eying me oddly. "And that, my dear Kana, is what makes you different from Zexion or Xaldin or myself. You'll find that, by and large, the Organization has become divided into two factions, unequal in size – those with hope, and those who abandoned it long ago."

We sat for a moment in silence, my mind struggling to take in the onslaught of information from Vexen. Quite simply, I stood no chance of winning this debate against the brilliantly intelligent man, and I no longer had no idea what I was supposed to say.

"Why are you telling me this?" I finally asked, wondering what on earth the blond's intentions could have been. "Is this a misery loves company sort of thing?"

"Hardly," Vexen intoned, one gloved hand drifting up to brush his jawline. "In fact, quite the opposite. I believe you're rather intelligent, Kana, and it is because of this that I am outlining this situation for you. Intelligence is a precious commodity in this castle, and the more you know, the better your situation will be. The better everyone's situation will be."

"I see," I said, even though I really didn't see all that much at all. I'd always known the blond scientist was brilliant – nearly genius, even – but I had never realized just how much my own intelligence paled in comparison to his. I was completely lost. All the same, I pressed on, determined to get as much from this conversation as I could. "And are these two factions in the Organization that you speak of – are they enemies with one another?"

"No, no," Vexen responded quickly, shaking his head. "Not at all. They merely have difficulty understanding one another."

"Like how I have difficulty understanding you," I said slowly, a small amount of clarity dawning on me. The more insight into the Organization I had, the more likely I was to be able to reconcile myself with both sides.

But still, why was Vexen telling me this? What benefit did it serve him?

"And I, you," Vexen sighed, a flash of sadness crossing his face. It vanished as quickly as it came. "All the same, we are allies, are we not?"

"Of course," I agreed quickly. Sure, Vexen and I didn't always see eye-to-eye, but he still remained my mentor, my ally, and my first friend in the castle. He'd always have a special place in my life for that.

"A wise choice," Vexen smiled gently. "I must admit, I'd consider you a fool if you formally refused to ally yourself with someone as high-ranking as I am."

"I'm no fool, Vexen," I told the man with a smile in response, standing up from my seat. He did the same, moving to my side to politely escort me from his office. I paused at the door, though, pressing my hand against his forearm gently. The blond raised his slender eyebrows at the rare contact, turning slightly towards me.

"Yes, Kana?" He asked, and to my surprise, his voice carried an unusually warm, almost father-like tone.

"Vex, what I said earlier about you deserving more hope...you dismissed it, but I still think it's true," I began, locking eyes with the scientist. Once I'd thought about it, I'd realized that it wasn't uncommon for the man to walk around most of the Castle with his head down, eyes lowered. He just looked so defeated most of the time – so very unlike the borderline genius, hardworking and headstrong scientist I was familiar with. "You said that there was a lot about the Organization and about how you'd resigned yourselves to your fate that I didn't understand. And you're right, I don't understand, but I do know that you spend too much time reliving the past. I don't know what you or Zexion did to deserve to be this way, but whatever it is, you've got to let go of it. Think more about what could happen someday, instead of what happened back then, and maybe you'll find some hope. Maybe things could get better for you."

"If it were that simple, Kana, I assure you, I would do just that," Vexen sighed, placing his long-fingered, slender hand on my shoulder. "I might advise you, however, to stop thinking that all _your _answers will be found in the future. Think about your past tonight, and see what you learn."

I frowned; what did Vexen mean by that?

"But I thought I was supposed to free myself from the chain of memories -"

"There is a difference between being a slave to your memories and your memories being a part of who you are," the flaxen-haired scientist answered calmly, giving my shoulder a small squeeze. "You cannot run from your memories, Kana. Without them, we forget who and what we are and become truly monstrous."


	18. life is a static sun

"life is a static sun"

That night, I sat on my bed, considering Vexen's words. He was right; I did have to find a balance between drawing from my memories and being bound by them. Maybe I could best do that by taking into account both my future _and _my past.

But now that I thought about it, the only real memories I had of myself from the past stemmed back to where Xigbar had found me in the Dark City, singing to the Heartless and crying. I couldn't remember further back than that; why?

If I really tried, I could remember glimpses, tiny little bits of my previous existence. I remembered that I'd taken martial arts lessons as a Somebody. That had flashed into my mind during one of my first fights as a Nobody. What else had I done? What had I been?

Frustrated, I stood up from my bed, moving to the mirror and staring at my reflection. What was I? I frowned at myself in the mirror, watching as my lips moved downwards. My hazel eyes had a greenish tint today, and they drilled into me with disconcerting intensity. I couldn't help but wonder if they'd always been hazel, and always been prone to switching between colors – sometimes quite significantly. My hair had been shaved near to my scalp on one side of my head, the rest of it flopped over so that it fell down on the other side. Who'd shaved it? Had I done that? I couldn't even remember. Numbly, I lifted one dark brown lock between my fingers, twirling it idly. Why had I decided to grow my hair so long? The unshaven half was nearly down to my hips, and I thought that I would have at least remembered making a commitment that large. Apparently not, though. I didn't even remember why I liked wearing large hoop earrings in my earlobes, even though I did it out of habit every day. It unsettled me, realizing that I had a habit that I couldn't even account for.

Who was I, besides an unexplainable collection of hopes for the future?

"Didn't see you at dinner today, sweetheart," a familiar voice intoned. I screamed and jumped, whipping around towards Xigbar. To my surprise, the man was standing on the ceiling, his face upside-down and slightly higher up than mine.

"Knocking, Xigbar," I reminded the man testily, feeling a bit too drained to really get angry with him. "Knocking. It's what normal people do."

"You hungry? I saved you a few leftovers," he offered cheerily, ignoring my last statement entirely.

"Not really, but thanks anyway," I sighed, stealing a glance at myself in the mirror. My own reflection was haunting me, dancing in front of my eyes even when I wasn't looking at it.

"I brought you your pillow back, by the way," the man said, somewhat gruffly. I quirked an eyebrow at him; why the sudden change in airs? "To say thanks for...well, you know." He handed me the pillow, his mumblings trailing off uncertainly.

I took the pillow from him with a gentle smile. I hadn't realized how much he'd actually appreciated that little kiss to his damaged eye, and I made a mental note to remember to give him a little peck there on occasion.

"Thanks," I murmured, tossing the pillow next to its mate on my bed. "Hey Xig, while you're here, can I ask you a question?"

"You're just full of questions today, aren't you?" The Freeshooter laughed, giving me a nod to go ahead anyways.

"Can you remember anything of your life as a Somebody? Because I can only remember the day you found me, and that I did martial arts when I was a Somebody," I explained, adding, "And Vexen seems to be able to remember all of his past."

Xigbar dropped down from the ceiling agilely, landing, catlike, on his feet. He put an arm around my shoulder, nudging me to the edge of my bed. We both sat down, Xigbar still keeping his arm around me.

"Vexen's gotten to talking to you about Somebodies, huh?" He sighed, rubbing his chin rather pensively. "Hm. Interesting. Well, the long of the short of it is yeah, I can remember my life as a Somebody. It's kind of weird that you can't, sweetheart."

"I knew it," I groaned miserably, a strange sinking feeling pervading the pit of my stomach. "Why can't I, though? Is it because I almost faded away before or something?"

"I dunno," he admitted with a shrug. "Memories aren't really my thing. That's more Vexen's area of expertise, so to speak. But maybe if you just try hard enough, you'll remember."

"I guess," I agreed with a heavy sigh. "What were you like as a Somebody, Xig?"

"More questions!" The man laughed, giving my shoulders a squeeze. I smiled ruefully; he was right. I'd been pestering him with my curiosity all day long. "Well, let me tell you, sweetheart, since you asked so politely. My name as a Somebody was Braig, and I worked in Radiant Gardens as a guard -"

"Wait, so then you knew Even?"

"Yes, I knew Even," Xigbar answered with a small chuckle. "New rule. No more questions till I'm done talking." I blushed. "Anyways, I was a guard, and sweetheart, let me tell you, I was the lady's choice. I was suave, handsome, and I could get any woman I wanted. I could've even landed a catch like you if I'd wanted," Xigbar laughed, tapping my nose playfully. I chuckled, shaking my head. The man was absolutely impossible. "Otherwise, not much about me has changed. I've still got the same sense of humor, same accent...all that other stuff from my memories. Not much difference." He blew out some air then, adding, "Any other questions?"

I frowned. Xigbar had kept his personality and his behaviorisms from his memories of Braig, but what did I have to go off of? Did that just make me a blank slate?

"Not really," I answered, not paying much attention anymore. If I was just a blank slate, then how did I know how to interact with others? Or had it all been just experiences that had formed my personality? Had my first days as a Nobody shaped me into who I was today?

"That's a first for today," the Freeshooter teased, bumping me with his shoulder. I laughed and bumped him back.

"Shut up," I jeered back at him playfully. "Hey, I was thinking. When I was a Somebody, I had to be kind of into science, right? Cause I chose to work in Vexen's lab in my first few days in the Castle, and I kind of already knew how to do some stuff." Titrations, reactions, purification...it had all come naturally to me, but I knew I had to have learned it all somewhere.

Xigbar frowned for a moment, looking very deep in thought.

"Could be," he agreed with a small shrug. "You science geek."

"I'm not a geek!" I giggled, grabbing a pillow and beating him upside the head with it. I hated to admit it, but I was becoming increasingly fond of how Xigbar let me play around with him. Nobody else around here seemed to have a sense of humor. True to form, the Freeshooter laughed, allowing me to smack him once, then snatching it out of my hands the second time I went after him with it.

"Sweetheart, you know how earlier today, you agreed to ally yourself with me, for better or worse?" He asked, suddenly all seriousness.

"Yeah," I prompted, letting him take the pillow and toss it back to the head of my bed. What was he getting at?

"You really meant it, right?"

"Of course."

"Then I can share anything with you? You're like my little partner-in-crime?" Xigbar leaned in towards me, one large hand running through the long half of my hair. I swallowed hard; was his fierce side going to come out again?

"Absolutely," I agreed, nervousness seeping into my conscious. "Anything you need to tell me, I'm here. We're a team."

"A team," Xigbar repeated with a nod. "I like that. All right, I've got something to show you, but it's top secret. Hang on."

In the next instant, we were teleporting, and I'd begun wondering what I was getting myself into.

The brightness of the room was almost blinding at first. I blinked, clinging to Xigbar's arm stupidly as I lost sense of where the ground was.

"Vexen," Xigbar barked, perking one ear. When there was no reaction, he smirked. "Good. Mad Scientist isn't here, then."

I frowned, my eyes finally adjusting. The room looked much like the lab I worked in with Vexen, but this one was even bigger.

"C'mon," Xigbar beckoned, heading for the back of the room.

"Wait, where are we?" I queried, jogging to catch up to my tall friend.

"One of Number Four's more private labs," he answered casually, flicking his long ponytail over his shoulder. I frowned; I'd never even known that Vex _had_ other labs.

"How did you find out about this place?" I asked finally, feeling somewhat jealous. Why hadn't Vexen shown me this lab? It was cleaner than the one we worked in regularly, and it seemed to be better equipped, too. And besides that, _I_ was his apprentice, not Xigbar...

"Don't tell anyone, but I do a little recon work of my own," Xigbar grinned over his shoulder at me. I grinned back at him, all pretense of jealousy gone in a flash; the man was dangerous, indeed. I felt lucky to be on his good side. "Anyways. Check this stuff out."

I gasped, taking a step back. In a tall pod, filled with liquid fluid, was what appeared to be a perfect replica of Vexen. The clone was floating in the chamber, completely naked, its basic physiological functions being monitored by complicated machinery.

"What in the world..?" I gaped, circling around the pod in disbelief.

"Yeah, freaky, right?" Xigbar chuckled, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back, watching my reaction. "Our resident scientist has a little hobby of cloning."

On the clone's hip was a small yet unmistakable tattoo that read 'V-7'.

"Apparently, seven times worth of cloning," I murmured, pointing the tattoo out to Xigbar.

"You'd think so, but all of his six other attempts failed," Xigbar shrugged. "I've been keeping an eye on him for a while," he added by way of explanation.

"I actually don't blame you," I admitted, pressing my fingertips to the glass of the chamber. It was cold, almost frigid. How could the man inside that glass be alive? "This is creepy. I'd want to keep an eye on it too." Xigbar grunted in assent. I gaped for a few more moments at the marvel before me, finally turning back to Xigbar. "But wait. Why did you want to show me this?"

"I just wanted to show you that there's more than one way to become a Nobody, Kana," Xigbar sighed, pushing himself up so that he was sitting on the lab bench. I nearly told him not to sit there – a habit picked up from Vexen, who scolded me constantly for it – but stopped myself just in time. "These clones, for instance. When they're born, they'll be Nobodies. Vexen can't make a heart for them, just a body. Then you've got other Nobodies, who come into our realm when their Somebodies still exist in another realm. I've even heard that if a Somebody dies at the hand of the darkness, their Nobody could be created separately from them, but I'm not sure if that's true. The point is, though, that all sorts of weird stuff happens that could explain why you don't have your memories."

I frowned, staring again at the clone of Vexen suspended in the pod.

"So basically, how I became a Nobody might have been different than how you or Vexen became Nobodies?" I ventured, unable to stop looking at the Vexen replica. It was exhilarating and saddening at the same time, realizing that science could nearly completely recreate a human.

"Yeah, basically," Xigbar agreed nonchalantly, hopping off the lab bench and walking up to me. "You ready to go now?"

"Not yet," I sighed, frowning. I didn't have a heart, true, but my logical brain was waging an ethical war inside of me. Was it right for Vexen to have created this man at all? "It's kind of sad, isn't it? This man might die before he even sees the world, just like his six predecessors did. And if he does make it into the world, he'll never have the chance to be whole. At least, for us, there's the chance that our hearts are out there somewhere. But his just doesn't exist, does it?"

"I don't think it does," Xigbar admitted, blowing out a breath. "Your questions today just keep getting more and more depressing."

"Sorry," I replied quickly, pressing my hand to the cold glass once again. After a beat, I continued, "You know, it's crazy. He has normal blood pressure, he's got functioning lungs, and I think that graph over there is his brain activity. He's a real person. Do you think he can hear us?"

Xigbar didn't reply; I could practically imagine him scowling at me.

"Babies, when they're in the womb before they're born, can hear adults talking, you know," I pressed. "Hello, Vexen Seven," I ventured, unsure of what else to call him. "I hope I get to meet you one day. Please be strong and please do your best to survive. It's not so bad out here."

"You need some rest," Xigbar decided, grabbing me by the shoulders and teleporting back to my room.

I could've sworn that I saw Vexen Seven's eyes flicker for an instant before the laboratory blurred out of sight.

Strangely enough, I wanted Seven to have a chance at living, even if the most he could ever have was a cursed half-life.


	19. a small part of the pantomime

"a small part of the pantomime"

That night, I wasn't able to sleep. Thousands of thoughts turned through my head. I couldn't help but worry about Seven, terrified that Xigbar would report back to me the death of yet another human replica. For that matter, I worried about what else Vexen was doing in those secret labs of his...and what other secrets of the Organization Xigbar was privy to.

Most of all, though, I kept worrying about how I'd become a Nobody, and what my lack of memories meant.

_Who am I?_

_ Alone..._

_ What am I?_

_ Lost..._

_ What will I be?_

_ Scared..._

In the wee hours of the morning, my endlessly churning thoughts became too much, and I finally bolted from my bed, more frustrated than ever. Why couldn't I stop thinking about that blasted Heartless, whose last thoughts I alone had been privy to?

As I walked down my hallway in my pajamas, I decided I'd be paying Kingdom Hearts a visit a bit sooner than I'd expected.

"Saix?" I gasped, startled to see the blue-haired Nobody awake and in the Addled Impasse at this hour. The blue-haired man glanced at me over his shoulder, his gigantic Claymore materializing in his hands.

"Oh. It's only you, Kanatrix," he intoned, dismissing his weapon. "What brings you here at this late hour?"

"Couldn't sleep," I admitted with a shrug, heading towards the catwalk Saix was kneeling on and wishing I'd changed out of my pajamas. "Figured I might as well get some mental peace of mind, if not physical."

Saix merely nodded, turning his focus back to the beautiful, sacred moon.

"Do you spend most of your time here?" I asked Saix carefully, kneeling next to him. The blue-haired man smirked.

"I am the Luna Diviner, so yes," he chuckled emptily. "I come here for repose, as well as research." I nodded, falling into silence next to the Nobody. My thoughts began racing yet again. Saix's title was the Luna Diviner? What did that mean? His power was obviously connected to Kingdom Hearts somehow...

"Hey Saix?"

"Yes?"

"Do you believe that one day, we really can regain our hearts?" I asked tentatively.

"Of course," Saix answered evenly. "Otherwise, what would our purpose be?"  
>"I don't know," I admitted, my eyebrows furrowing. "But what if we've condemned ourselves to this fate? I mean, what if just being a Nobody means that -"<p>

"Impossible," the blue-haired man interrupted, turning his golden gaze on me. His eyes narrowed. "To believe such a thing is treachery against the Organization's very directives and everything that the Superior has shown us."

"Understood," I squeaked, suddenly very much afraid of the man. He was, judging from Xigbar's comments about Castle Oblivion, highly favored in the Organization. Furthermore, he was extremely muscular, and I didn't want to be on the bad side of either the well-built man or his oversized weapon.

We sat in silence, my mind still wandering even as I willed it to concentrate on the beauty that was Kingdom Hearts. I wanted so badly to discuss Vexen Seven with Saix, to get his opinion on Castle Oblivion, to hear what he had to say about Nobodies without memories, but somehow, I felt that I'd disturbed the Luna Diviner enough already. Besides, what Xigbar showed me was shown in confidence. We were allies.

A team, even.

"Do you feel its power?" Saix finally spoke, his voice eerily smooth. "Do you hear the voices of the hearts within this sacred moon? They're all calling, begging to be reborn..."

"You can hear them?" I whispered, suddenly wide-eyed. "Is that what 'Luna Diviner' means, then?" Saix shook his head the tiniest bit.

"I am not the only Nobody who can hear Kingdom Hearts," Saix murmured, never taking his eyes off the sight outside the window. My eyebrows furrowed pensively.

"So...does that mean I could learn to hear it, too?" I ventured. Saix didn't acknowledge my question, though, and I decided I had, indeed, bothered the Luna Diviner enough for one night. I fell silent, trying to focus on nothing besides my own breathing and attuning myself to the energy of Kingdom Hearts. The sacred world was powerful, to be sure, and I could feel its presence in our own world, pulsing like a precious jewel buried in dark layers of stone.

Saix – and other Nobodies, too – could hear the hearts inside that jewel?

Did that mean that they could hear their own hearts calling to them, too?

As my thoughts became fuzzy and a warm comfort overtook my senses, I resolved that I would learn to listen to the hearts, just like Saix. I felt certain that if I heard my heart, I would know it right off the bat, despite not having any memories of what it would be like. If I heard my heart, there would be something special about it, something that called out to me even more powerfully than the pulsing energy of the growing world.

If I could just hear my heart, all my questions could be answered.

I resolved to find my self in Kingdom Hearts.

The next instant, I found my body in, quite possibly, the most uncomfortable position ever, with something sharp and bony jabbing into my stomach.

"Uhh," I groaned, trying to move away from the painful object in my flesh. I soon found that I couldn't, and I panicked, frantically taking stock of my surroundings. The only thing that I could see, though, was a bird's eye view of the backside of an Organization cloak, with a long, dark ponytail swishing against it rhythmically. "Xigbar?" I murmured, trying to push away from the pain again. "What the hell -"

"You passed out in the Addled Impasse," the man answered evenly, not missing a beat. "I didn't think you'd appreciate waking up a sore lump on the cold ground in the morning." He laughed to himself at the thought.

My senses returned more fully to me now, and I became aware that Xigbar had thrown me over his large shoulder, fireman style, and, judging by his echoing footsteps, was walking down the Castle's hallways, carrying me to bed.

"How'd you find me?" I asked, squirming until my stomach was no longer being painfully mashed by his shoulder bones.

"I was out making my usual nightly rounds," he answered ambiguously. I frowned.

"Wait, what nightly rounds?" I asked, completely unaware that my friend did something other than sleep at night. My voice dropped secretively, and I whispered in his pointed ear, "You mean, you spy on each of us?" Did that mean that he spied on _me _while I slept? The thought was unsettling, to say the least.

"I don't exactly spy on people," he chuckled, shifting my weight slightly and opening a door with his free hand. "I tend to check certain places more than anything. I couldn't care less what most Nobodies do all night, you see, unless it involves a few important areas of our Castle."

I wasn't sure that I understood, but I nodded all the same. These 'nightly rounds' of his were probably how he'd discovered Vexen's Secret Lab, I guessed. Did that mean there were other places were secret goings-on occurred?

Xigbar set me down gently, lowering me until I was seated on the edge of my bed. I beamed up at the man, ready to thank him for taking care of me and tell him good night, but he sat down next to me. The mattress dipped under his weight, and he wound an arm around my shoulders comfortingly.

"What were you doing in the Addled Impasse this late, anyways?" The scarred man asked me gently, giving my arms a small squeeze. "I thought you went to bed after we paid the lab a visit."

I sighed, shaking my head.

"I tried, but I couldn't really fall asleep," I admitted with a small shrug. It wasn't really that big of a deal, to be honest; why did Xigbar seem to care? "Too much on my mind. Seeing Kingdom Hearts calms me down a lot, you know? So I thought I'd go there, and maybe that would help me."

"Next time, try actually making it back to your own bed before you get too calm," Xigbar joked, laughing with good humor like he always did. I chuckled too, realizing how just how silly it had been of me to pass out in front of Kingdom Hearts.

"Sorry, Xiggy," I laughed, sliding out of the hold of his arm to collapse backwards onto my bed. "Thanks for all of this, though. You're the best."

Xigbar smiled, almost ruefully, down at me.

"Glad you think so, sweetheart." After a beat, he continued, "Hey, do me a favor, though. Be careful about being around Saix and Kingdom Hearts for too long, okay? After all, Number Seven _is_ the Luna Diviner," he added, a bit darkly. I frowned – what did that even mean? Why did I have to be concerned about it? Saix was, quite possibly, the most even-tempered Nobody I'd met so far. His level-headedness bordered on emotional detachment, in fact. I didn't see what was so scary about his flawless calm. Before I got the chance to ask Xigbar, though, the man continued. "All right, sweetheart, I've got a few more rounds to make. Go back to sleep and get your rest, okay? You have a big day tomorrow. Word is that you've got a mission with Marluxia."

"Really?" I squeaked, my stomach suddenly filling with butterflies. How on earth was I going to survive an entire mission with the gorgeous pink-haired assassin? I'd make a complete and utter fool of myself somehow, and the stunning man would never look twice at me again, I knew it.

"Really," Xigbar confirmed, eying me skeptically as he stood up. I recomposed my face, trying not to let on just how nervous I was about working beside the Graceful Assassin. Xigbar would never let me live down having a crush on a pink-haired man whose power was control over flowers. I could just hear the lifetime's worth of teasing now.

My schooled expression seemed to save me, though, and he moved towards my door, calling a final good night as he shut it behind him.

I scrambled under my covers, still nervous about tomorrow. How on earth was I going to handle a whole day alone with Marluxia? I was certain I'd do something dumb, like forget how to speak, or trip up the stairs, or be caught ogling him, or worst of all, make some stupid mistake in a battle against some lower-tier Heartless and nearly die a pathetic death in front of the very man I wanted to seduce.

As I fretted over the details of exactly how this pathetic death would happen – maybe it would be a combination of _all _the possible dumb events I could manage – I found myself drifting into a much more comfortable sleep than the one I'd experienced on the cold, metallic floor of the Impasse.

My last thought, as a snuggled into my warm blankets and peaceful dreams, was that even if Marluxia scorned me for the rest of my life after tomorrow, I'd still have Xigbar to look out for me, and as long as I had Xig, well, I'd be all right.


	20. noise is born, is born, is born

"noise is born, is born, is born"

I woke up a good couple hours earlier than I needed to and found myself absolutely, completely unable to fall asleep again. My foot was tapping without my willing it, my fingers drumming and my stomach in knots.

I was absolutely terrified of spending a whole day with Marluxia, the extraordinarily beautiful Graceful Assassin. How on earth was I going to survive this mission? I didn't even know what the mission actually was yet, and already, I was a wreck.

With nothing to do and my mind working itself into fits over the possibilities for the day, I finally gave up and decided to see if anyone was awake in the Gray Area. To my surprise, the room was completely empty. I tried sitting on the couch and seeing if I could find any respite there, but the scenery change didn't do much for me. I got up and began pacing, wondering how long it would be until Marluxia stood before me, ready to walk into the Dark Corridor to our mission. The thought of having to make my way through yet another Dark Corridor terrified me, as always, and I groaned, wondering how on earth I was not going to make an imbecile out of myself.

I continued pacing, pondering whether or not Xigbar would still be awake at this hour. I decided he probably wouldn't be, and instead, I circled the Gray Area several times, like a hawk, before giving up and retreating back to bed.

After nearly an hour of laying in bed wide awake, I finally became fed up and stalked down to Xigbar's room, no longer caring if he was up yet or not. It was 7 by now, and at least it was a more godly hour to wake someone up than 6 AM was.

I paused at his door, my sleepless, troubled mind ready to barge in, but I remembered his warning about his swift reaction time and the threat it posed to my well being. Prudently, I decided to knock.

"What?" A groggy, husky voice groaned.

"It's me, Xiggy," I called to the man, trying to sound as sweet as possible. The man groaned again, and I waited patiently for him to respond.

"Come in, I'm decent," he finally called, and I smiled, swinging open the bone-white door and strolling into his darkened quarters. I closed the door carefully behind me, walking cautiously in the intense dark until my eyes adjusted. "What is it, Kana? Bad dream or something?"  
>"I'm not twelve, Xig," I scowled at the man, sitting down on the edge of his bed. "I was just wondering, did you learn anything about Vexen-Seven last night?"<p>

"Keep your voice down," Xigbar hissed at me, shifting onto his side so he was facing me. "And no, there were no new developments on Seven. Why?"

"Just curious," I shrugged, my foot beginning to tap anxiously. The movement made his mattress shake just a little, the shaking speeding up as my foot tapped all the faster. Xigbar sighed, pulling the blankets tighter about his lanky form.

"I'll let you know when anything happens," he promised, his golden eye glaring up at me from where it peeked out from the sheets. Clearly, he wasn't an early riser by choice.

"Mmkay," I agreed, my foot still tapping rapidly. Xigbar sighed and rolled away from me, pulling the blankets over his head. I watched him move, my eyes drifting up towards Kingdom Hearts, visible through his window. I could still feel the beautiful energy that the world layered in darkness emanated.

After a moment of gazing at the moon, my now-adjusted eyes swept around the rest of his room, noticing his cloaks hung up sloppily, an alarm clock's red numbers glowing, and a few uncleaned shot glasses scattered about the place. Did Xig drink regularly?

"Well, it looks like you're not leaving anytime soon, Ms. I-Can-Take-A-Social-Cue," Xigbar growled, turning back towards me again. "So I guess I better ask you what's wrong if I want to be able to go to sleep again before I have to get up for the day."

For a moment, I was mute, completely choked up by a lump in my throat. I wanted to tell my best friend I was really sorry for bothering him, but at the same time, I needed him right now, as stupid and foolish as it seemed.

"I'm sorry, Xig, it's just that I'm gonna have to be with Marluxia alone all day and I'm gonna do something really stupid to goof the mission up, I just know it," I blurted, my words tumbling over one another. "And then he's gonna think I'm an imbecile and so will the Superior when the report gets back -"

"Because sometimes, you really are an imbecile," Xigbar interjected dryly, his warm, powerful arms wrapping around me and pulling me down to him. I allowed him to draw me to his chest, remaining separated from him by the soft layer of blankets. "Listen, Kana," he said slowly, one hand stroking the back of my head as I buried my nose in his powerful shoulder. "You're a pretty good fighter for a newbie. What makes you think you're gonna gaff this up?"

"I just am," I sniffed. I knew how stupid I was being, but there was something about the irrationality of it all that only made it worse. "Marluxia is really graceful and his face is absolutely beautiful and I get so nervous when I'm around him...if I'm that nervous, I know I'll do something dumb."

Xigbar pulled away from me slightly.

"You have a crush on Marluxia?" He murmured, his voice as patient as he could make it sound.

"Yeah," I sniffed, nodding my head miserably.

"You realize," Xigbar began with an incredulous laugh. "Marluxia is a man with pink hair and his element is flowers. Flowers, Kana. The man controls fucking flowers, and you fall for _him_?" I flinched slightly; why did Xigbar sound so angry at me? An instant later, he began laughing raucously. "Unbelievable. You like flower boy!"

"Shut up," I snapped, smacking his shoulder a little more forcefully than I needed to. I quickly realized my mistake, though, and pressed my nose back into the reddened skin. "It's not like I asked to like him, okay?"

"You sure you didn't sit down and try to decide which Organization member was the girliest or something?" Xigbar laughed teasingly, ruffling my hair. I groaned.

"You're never gonna let me live this down, are you?" I asked, sniffling harder than before. This wasn't the comfort I'd wanted from my friend.

"No," Xigbar responded bluntly, wrapping his free arm around my waist protectively. "But if he's what you want, then I'll stand behind you, sweetheart. Try not to worry about today. You're a brilliant, strong independent girl -"

"Yeah, right," I scoffed. At the moment, I felt like anything but strong and independent. I was overemotional, sleep-deprived, nervous, irrational, and probably hormonal, and to make it worse, Xigbar was trying to sugar coat the situation so I'd feel better.

"- or at least you are eighty percent of the time. The other twenty, you're a sniveling little ball of patheticness,"he chuckled, holding me tighter. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be reassured or not, but somehow, his blunt approach made me feel a little bit better than the sugar-coated responses he'd been starting with. At least by being blunt, he was inferring that he thought I was strong enough to take the truth. "So hey, just get the twenty percent of sniveling done here and now. Go out there today and give it your all, okay?" My fingers clutched at the thin pajama shirt he wore, and I nodded into his shoulder. "Now either stay very still for an hour and fake sleep or actually go to sleep, because I'm not gonna stay awake until we have to get up for the day."

I smiled against his skin, grateful that my best friend wasn't kicking me out. Even if he was asleep, just the comfort of being with him was enough to make me feel better and convince me that my day with Marluxia was manageable.

Soon enough, I started to drift off to sleep in the safety of my friend's arms, soothed by the rhythmic rocking of his chest as he breathed slowly and deeply. As the comfort of sleep overtook my body, I thought I heard Xigbar whisper something in my ear, but I was too far gone to make out what exactly it was.

"Good morning, Marluxia," I greeted the Graceful Assassin as confidently as I could. As always, the time spent with my best friend had bolstered me, and I had resolved to at least appear confident and in charge all day long. If I kept up a strong facade of confidence, there would be no room for my nervousness.

All I had to do was remember not to think about how gorgeous the pink-haired man before me just happened to be.

"Good morning, Kanatrix," Marluxia responded suavely. I cringed on the inside. How was it possible for him to make three words sound so sexy?

"Word is that you and I are paired up for our missions today," I posited, still trying to sound confident, as if making small talk with men of this caliber was commonplace for me.

"Indeed," Marluxia murmured, picking delicately at the eggs on his plate. I resisted the urge to shift my position on the Gray Area's couch to better see him, knowing that I couldn't act too interested. "It should be quite the day."

"I'm sure it will be," I agreed, though I wasn't sure why Marluxia thought it would be quite the day at all.

"Kana!" A rather childish male voice called. I spun around, only to be nearly kicked in the face by Demyx as he swung, gorilla-style, over the back of the couch and landed with a thud next to me. "Good morning!" My fellow teen beamed at me, summoning his sitar to his gloved hands. I nearly giggled at Demyx's antics, but repressed the childish gesture. I wanted to appear mature in front of Marluxia. "Hey, so check this out, I wrote part of a new song. I think you'd really like it," the male babbled before I could even get a word in, leaning back on the couch and adjusting his sitar on his lap. Soon enough, he was strumming an admittedly charming melody, humming along.

I glanced behind me, hoping to apologize to Marluxia for the sudden interruption, but the pink-haired Nobody was already gone.

Resignedly, I turned back to Demyx, uncertain of how this day was going to pan out. At least Demyx's song was pretty and the tune worthwhile, I decided. It could be worse.

And in less than fifteen minutes, it was indeed worse.

I found myself staring down a Dark Corridor, completely paralyzed. Saix either didn't notice or didn't care.

"Remember, your objective in Twilight Town today is to eliminate all the Heartless, but particularly the Poison Plants," Saix intoned. "We've also received news of a particularly dangerous enemy on the prowl; should you encounter this Heartless, do your best to eliminate it or return with information on it."

"Very well," Marluxia responded, a terse undercurrent lacing his words. "Come, Kana." With that, he stepped confidently into the Dark Corridor, his beautifully layered pink tresses disappearing into the swirling void.

I swallowed hard. This was it. If I waited too long, Marluxia would know I was a scaredy-cat. I just had to plunge ahead, act confident, be impressive. I took a tentative step towards the darkness, but some basal instinct in me was revulsed by the void. I nearly felt like I was going to vomit.

And worse yet, every pair of eyes in the Gray Area were fixed on me as I nearly doubled over out of repulsion. I scanned the area, my eyes finally coming to rest on Xigbar. My scarred best friend gave me one of his smallest yet most reassuring smiles – the smile that said that he was there for me. Deciding to trust that he wouldn't allow me to get eaten by some giant purple tentacles or something, I plunged into the Dark Corridor and ran as fast as my feet could carry me.

Thankfully, I stopped before I bumped into Marluxia's backside, and stepped elegantly out of the Corridor shortly after Number Eleven. With any luck, he hadn't even noticed I was missing for a few moments there.

"Are you prepared for this, Kana?" Marluxia asked me, his baby blue eyes affixing me with the most irresistible gaze.

"Of course," I answered casually, strutting past him as if his gaze alone weren't enough to melt me on the spot. I hadn't gone far before a pack of Shadows materialized at my feet, and I jumped back, completely unprepared, even as Marluxia sprang at the Heartless, his long scythe slicing through the air effortlessly.

Well. Imbecilic Move Number One hadn't gone too badly. At least I hadn't died.

Summoning my Keyblade, I hastened into battle alongside the pink-haired wonder, quickly dispatching the weak monsters. Marluxia, however, was already moving on, gracefully making his way up the street. I cut into one last Shadow before running after him.

"There's no need to bother with the Shadows," Marluxia told me calmly. "They're not Emblem Heartless, and they don't dispatch Hearts when you kill them."

"Oh," I managed, feeling kind of dumb. Why hadn't Xigbar or Demyx mentioned that on our earlier missions?

"Focus on the higher-tier Emblem Heartless instead," Marluxia instructed, waving away his scythe.

"Yes, sir," I promised the beautiful man, trotting after him, close on his heels. "Marluxia? Are the Poison Plants Emblem Heartless, too, then?"

"Correct," he affirmed, sounding a bit weary of my questions already. After a beat, he murmured, "Amusing, isn't it? That they would send a botanist such as myself to kill the Plant Heartless." He chuckled quietly, but I had no time to respond, as a bolt of yellow lightning shot down from above, only barely missing Marluxia. The Graceful Assassin stumbled back, calling his scythe to his hands, only to be struck by a small fireball.

And then they were all around us – at least twenty Scarlet Tangos and Yellow Operas, all calling fire and lightning to the scene.

A bolt struck me, and I reeled backwards, temporarily numb. As soon as I'd recovered, though, I called my Keyblade to my side, dodging another bolt.

"This is awfully familiar," I growled, remembering the hordes of the Heartless Xigbar had encountered and fought on our first mission together. What was going on here in Twilight Town?

Marluxia had, so far, managed to take down two of the monsters, and I began hacking away at a particularly bothersome Tango. My progress, however, was quite minimal, as I was forced to dodge, roll, and leap out of the way of a constant slew of lightning and fire. My Tango target flew around me, singing triumphantly as it attempted to fry me.

This wasn't going so well. Then again, Marluxia wasn't making much progress either. I didn't feel quite as bad, knowing that.

Suddenly, a lightbulb went off in my head.

I wanted to impress Marluxia?

I knew just how to do it.

I stopped dodging the elemental attacks aimed towards me, almost instantly taking three lightning bolts to the chest and a fireball to the feet. I groaned, sinking to my knees, taking another fireball to my arm. My body was aching, tingling, numb – I was close to passing out. Heaving myself back up to my feet, I did what Xigbar had taught me, diving deep inside myself and forcing myself past my own limits.

This time, the coiled energy around my would-be heart greeted me eagerly, like an old friend that hadn't been heard from in a few months. It seeped into me, allowed me to direct it, as if it was eager to kill.

In the next instant, I was inside the heads of 18 different Heartless.

_Darkness._

_ Fury._

_ Scared._

Who was I?

_ Fire._

What was I doing?

_ They don't deserve to live. Darkness. Fury. Scared. Lightning. Darkness. Fury. Hatemurderkilllightningfire. Burnfleshsmellhatescared. Whywhywhy. Alone. ._

Their thoughts were overwhelming me, and I could barely remember my purpose in the cacophony of consciousness. I barely had any sense of my normal body now, but regardless, I fought to keep them still. Who were they, though? Was I a part of them? Who was I? Was I darkness, fury, hate, murder, kill? What else was there, besides the need for hearts?

In a disjointed, fragmented glimpse of the world, as if I was seeing through a spider's mosaic compound eyes, I watched Marluxia begin to move, swinging his long scythe elegantly.

_Pain. Pain. Painpainpain. Must run -flee – pain. _

_ Death. Alone. Darkness._

Darkness. That was where we all would finally come to rest, in the end, wasn't it?

_Searing pain. Alone. Painpainpainfearpain._

What was the point in fighting it?

The Darkness was going to win eventually, no matter what.

"Kanatrix. Kana. _Fifteen."_

"Yes?" I answered, struggling to move my own mouth.

"They're gone. You can stop...whatever it is you're doing now."

I slid back into my own body, feeling quite out of sorts, though not as bad as the first time I'd gone inside a Heartless' mind. My knees were aching, and I realized I was kneeling on the ground. I pulled myself to my feet unsteadily, dismissing my Keyblade and turning to face Marluxia.

"I'm back," I said simply, my mind still swirling.

"What exactly was that?" Marluxia asked, dismissing his own scythe.

"My limit break," I answered with a shrug.

"Good work," Marluxia murmured, patting my shoulder. "Taking down that pack of Heartless wouldn't have been so easy without -" He stopped abruptly.

"Yes?"

"Without it," he finished, eying me as if I had grown a second head, though I was fairly sure I hadn't. We began to walk again, and I glanced at myself in a building's window to make sure I still retained all my human body parts. I looked normal; no second head had grown while I'd been in the minds of the Heartless. What was his problem?

And then I saw it. My face was contorted, stretched in a feral grin. I tried schooling my face back to a tamer expression, but my finer muscles rebelled, not quite back under my control again. I'd have to deal with that later.

At least I'd impressed Marluxia. That was what mattered.

We encountered no other Heartless on our way to the outskirts of Twilight Town save for a second, smaller pack of Operas and Tangos, which Marluxia and I eliminated easily, without need for my limit break. As I sliced into a Yellow Opera and watched it fade away, I felt immensely grateful that, for once, I didn't have to be inside its head as it died.

"We haven't seen any Poison Plants yet," I observed, falling in step behind Marluxia as we continued through the town.

"I suspect that they aren't in the Town itself," Marluxia intoned, turning down a side street. I hastened after him, feeling, for some reason, as if I was being watched. "The Heartless are behaving rather oddly today. Have you noticed?"

"Yeah," I agreed eagerly, trotting close on his heels. "They're traveling in large packs, but there's overall relatively few of them. Do you think it has something to do with that stronger enemy that Saix mentioned?"

"It's entirely possible," the pink-haired man nodded. "Whatever is driving these Heartless to travel in packs may have also forced the Poison Plants to the Old Mansion on the outskirts of town."

"You're the botanist," I smiled up at the man deferentially, receiving a small quirk of his lips in return. "So I suppose that you know best."

"Yes," Marluxia purred, placing a large, gloved hand on my head. I reveled in the affectionate touch while it lasted. "Though I must give you some credit, as well. You've proven yourself to be quite capable for such a young Nobody."

"I'm quite glad you think so, Marluxia," I beamed, noticing that the town around us was slowly giving way to forest. I tried to focus my attention on this fact instead of focusing on the praise my crush was giving me. If I allowed myself to think about the latter for too long, I'd surely squeal in joy or do something equally moronic.

"You're exactly the sort of perceptive girl who can see things for what they truly are," he continued, nearly knocking me off my feet by the generosity of his compliment. Somehow, his words sounded familiar, though. Hadn't Vexen told me something like that once? "And, better yet, you're the sort of useful person who has talent and can make a change. Tell me, Kana, what do you think of the Organization so far?"

I hesitated, sensing that there was more behind Marluxia's words than just kindness and curiosity.

"The Organization is all I've ever known," I responded carefully, dancing around having to reveal any opinion.

"Yes," Marluxia purred, guiding us around an enormous tree trunk; the forest had grown thick and dense. "I suppose it is. And I suppose that would make you one of the Organization's most loyal members, no?"

"I suppose," I agreed nonchalantly, fighting to keep suspicion out of my voice. Marluxia may have been a beautiful face, and I may have fumbled around him more than usual, but I knew better than to let him completely pull the wool over my eyes and maneuver me into a corner.

"You believe we need more hearts to complete Kingdom Hearts, no?" The pink-haired man prodded. I struggled not to frown; the man was unrelenting when he wanted to be.

"Of course I do," I agreed readily, uncertain of where he was going.

"Then surely you'll see things the way I do. Kana, Twilight Town is, quite simply, running low on Heartless and, therefore, low on Hearts. I find it astounding that Xemnas is even bothering with sending members on missions here anymore," he admitted, arching a finely sculpted, nearly feminine, eyebrow as he gazed down at me. "The returns are simply no longer worth the effort. And yet, the Superior refuses to drown another world in Darkness, though we clearly have the means. Foolish, is it not?"

I nearly stopped in my tracks.

Drown a world in Darkness?

_What?_

"Um," I fumbled for words. What did this mean? Was I to understand that the Organization was responsible for the condition of Twilight Town? Was it the Organization's fault that monsters ran amuck in the streets here? Impossible...we fought to kill the Darkness. Why would we put it there in the first place? "I guess it'd be...logical to drown another world," I managed lamely, uncertain of whether it was actually logical or not. Xemnas certainly didn't seem to think so, at least.

Marluxia seemed to approve of my statement, nodding slightly.

"Imagine how much faster we'd complete Kingdom Hearts with a fresh supply of Heartless to harvest from," he intoned, his eyes gleaming dangerously. "Especially with a new Keyblade wielder such as yourself. To pass up this opportunity is illogical, Kana. I'll allow you to think about my words for a day, but tell no one of this conversation, understand? You never know where someone's loyalties lay. I can assure you, not everyone is looking out for the best interests of the Organization as you and I are."

My mind felt like it was going to explode. Between the effort of recovering from being inside the eighteen Heartless' minds as they died, the shock and trepidation I'd experienced at Marluxia's conversation with me, and the fact that I still adored the gorgeous Nobody and forgot how to speak every time he smirked at me, I was beginning to feel very, very overwhelmed.

In fact, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't notice when a Poison Plant appeared in front of me, spitting a bullet seed smack into my shoulder.

"Damn!" I hissed, calling my Keyblade to my side.

"Distracted?" Marluxia intoned flatly, summoning his scythe and stepping in front of me. "Watch and learn." He waited a long beat, and I frowned. What, exactly, was he doing? The Poison Plant spat out another seed, and Marluxia struck the projectile with the blade of his scythe, bouncing it perfectly back onto the Heartless. The being shrieked, then faded away. "Your turn," the lovely Nobody said, stepping aside and sweeping his scythe grandiosely at another Poison Plant that had just appeared.

I sprang in front of him, confident and determined. This didn't look so hard, I decided. I'd fought worse – like that Darkside. The thought bolstered my confidence, and I became determined to impress the beautiful Assassin, who was watching me closely.

The Poison Plant geared up to spit its bullet seed at me, and I settled down into my stance. Soon enough, the seed was slicing through the air towards me, and I struck at the projectile, rather like a game of baseball. To my disappointment, I hit the seed, but didn't hit it on the right trajectory; it missed the Poison Plant entirely.

Growling, I prepared to reflect the next bullet seed that the Poison Plant spat at me. How had Marluxia done it so easily?

For a second time, my trajectory was off, and the Poison Plant wiggled mockingly at me.

"Let me help," Marluxia intoned, startling me. I turned to face him over my shoulder, but he was already pressed against my back, his large, gloved hands clamping down over mine. In an instant, his powerful arms had maneuvered my Keyblade into a slightly more angled position, and I held my breath, trying to memorize the exact position of my arms for future reference. My mind, however, kept drifting to the feel of his hands on mine and the sensation of his muscular chest rising and falling slowly against the back of my head.

Soon enough, the bullet seed was spiraling towards us, and Marluxia directed our shot, scoring a perfect hit on the Poison Plant. The Heartless screeched and vanished, much as its partner had.

"Thank you," I gasped up at the pink-haired man behind me, quite pleased that I'd managed to at least help kill one of the Plants.

"Of course," he intoned, but instead of letting go of my Keyblade, he clutched it tighter. "Would you mind allowing me to see your weapon for a moment? It's quite unique."

"Oh, sure," I chirped, eager to please the tall, beautiful Nobody. What was the harm in letting him borrow my weapon for a moment, anyway? I could recall it at any given time.

Marluxia slid the Keyblade out of my grasp and stepped away from me. I tried not to pout at the sudden coldness against my backside. He had been so warm, so big...

I wrenched my mind off these thoughts with a self-reproaching admonishment for being so unfocused, and instead watched the Assassin step in to fight another Poison Plant, mesmerized by how smooth his movements were. He really was deserving of the title "graceful."

Suddenly, searing pain slashed throughout both of my calves.

I cried out in agony, collapsing onto the ground, unable to stand. What on earth had just happened?

Through my tear-clouded vision, I saw Marluxia whip around, charging at whatever enemy was behind me. At the same time, several more Poison Plants showed themselves, spewing bullet seeds at the Assassin.

Great. What was up with the Heartless and packs today?

One bullet seed struck Marluxia in his thigh, and he stumbled off-course for a split second. Another slash cut through my lower back, and my senses became overwhelmed by the searing sensation. Darkness threatened to encroach on my vision, but I fought to stay conscious, instead diving deep into myself again.

Marluxia had my weapon, true, but I wasn't completely useless without it. I could still do this.

I could still impress him.

The five Poison Plants were easy enough to overwhelm, their fragile minds freezing up and forgetting how to move, how to spew bullets, how to control their bodies. Instead, like glass, their minds shattered.

__

_ Darkness_

I focused my attention into the unknown enemy behind me, praying that I still had enough gusto to overwhelm the slashing Heartless, as well.

Its mind was stronger, assaulting mine with surprising force. Clearly, this monster was on the offensive in every way possible. The minds of the Poison Plants refused to fade into the background, though, digging into my consciousness like the pieces of broken, jagged-edged glass that they were. I tried to focus on the slashing Heartless all the same, fighting with it, hoping to at least slow down its movements in order to make it easier for Marluxia to assassinate.

_Killkillpain. Fight dodge roll duck slash slash slash cut hackcuthackkillpaincut -_

_ -_

_ -_

_ -_

What was I?

I was Darkness.

_ -_

I was Heartless.

_Alone-_

Yes, I was alone too.

_Breaking-_

That as well.

_Killkillpain -_

I was pain. I was pain. I was Darkness. I was Heartless. Hearts. We needed Hearts. Pain. We were pain. We were everything, we were nothing, Marluxia was carrying me, running from the battle, the Poison Plants were shrieking, dying, dead.

I was dead inside, too.


	21. hope is the thing with wings

"hope is the thing with wings"

Purple and black swirls danced in front of my eyes, and I watched the colors absently, wondering if this was what it was to fade away into the Darkness.

Then, suddenly, the purple and black became tinged with green. My breathing was labored, as if I was no longer pulling air into my lungs, but pulling a thick, viscous fluid in. Everything around me was ice cold, and my vision was distorted, as if I was sitting inside a fishbowl.

I rolled my eyes in their sockets, trying to take in as much of my surroundings as I could. For some reason, my neck muscles weren't intent on cooperating; I couldn't see a thing. Outside the fishbowl, everything was white and metallic, full of strange glass phials and tall lab benches. Inside my fishbowl, I could make out my hands, crossed over my chest, barely concealing a number of tubes entering my body.

What had I become?

I glanced to my sides, noticing long, blond hair draped over my bony, yet broad, shoulders.

_What?_

I desperately began to attempt to wiggle my body. Everything about it felt foreign; hips too small, shoulders too heavy, limbs too long. My thrashing proved somewhat effective, and I felt myself beginning to move, liquid swirling around my exposed skin as I squirmed. I felt the unpleasant but not quite painful feeling of several tubes sliding out of my flesh. As I thrashed, my eyes rolling in my skull, I caught a glimpse of my hip bone.

Tattooed on the ridge of bone was two letters.

V-7.

I panicked more, thrashing harder, wrenching even more tubes out of my skin, watching as the green fluid became tinged with red. My own blood. I continued thrashing, gaining more and more use over my own limbs, more and more power building behind every movement.

Eventually, my – Vexen-Seven's – hand connected with the glass, denting it. He – I – thrashed at it again, denting it more, then shattering it. The glass fell outwards, fluid pouring out and causing the rest of the glass to crack in a spiderweb pattern.

With an ear-shattering crash, the remainder of the oversized test tube broke, some of the shards sinking deep into my – Vexen-Seven's – fair skin. He – I – fell face-first out of the test tube, what little tubes there were left finally giving out and breaking. The sheer force of gravity was alarming, now that the fluid was no longer omnipresent, and the cold, stone floor was unforgiving on this unfamiliar body.

Worse yet, Vexen-Seven's lungs – my lungs – weren't functioning. They were clogged, incapable of drawing in air, even though they were burning, searing, strangling themselves. Vexen-Seven's brain began to burn, his eyes bulging, his lungs still on fire -

"KANA," a familiar voice thundered, pulling me out of my trance. "What did you do to her, you bastard?"

"I assure you, I did nothing at all," Marluxia intoned.

I cracked open my eyes, finding myself just underneath Marluxia's chin. His luscious pink locks tickled my cheek, and I realized I was cradled, bridal-style, in his arms.

Amazingly, I couldn't have cared less.

"Damned if I'm going to believe that," the familiar voice snarled, growing closer than before. I managed to turn my head, fixing my eyes on Xigbar's familiar visage.

"He really didn't do anything to me," I murmured. My best friend stopped in his tracks, very nearly gaping at me. A flash of pain crossed his face for an instant before he hid it skillfully.

"Kana, are you capable of standing?" A deep, very male voice intoned. I located its source quickly, amazed to be locking eyes with the golden orbs of the Superior himself.

"I don't believe so, Superior," I responded flatly. "My calves were slashed quite severely."

The Superior stepped towards me, resting one long-fingered hand on my calf gently. I sucked in air, my back arching in pain.

"Curaga," he murmured quietly, keeping his amber gaze leveled at me. Mercifully enough, the searing pain disappeared, and I felt an odd, tingling sensation – as if my flesh were knitting itself back together. "Set her down now, Marluxia," he instructed, removing his hand from my calf slowly.

Marluxia lowered my feet to the ground, and I stood uncertainly, wobbling in place. All the same, I was standing, even managing to keep my balance when the pink-haired Nobody let go of me.

"I would suggest you retire for the night, Kana," the Superior instructed me, patting my shoulder gently. "You've performed well. Don't worry about having to report back to me concerning your mission. I'll discuss things with Number 12."

I nodded deferentially to the Superior, hobbling out of the Grey Area in the direction of my room. My calves ached and were extraordinarily tight, but otherwise, they were perfectly functional.

"Fifteen," a silky smooth voice called. I glanced over my shoulder to see Saix. The blue-haired Nobody stepped towards me, some sort of object in his outstretched hand. "Drink this before bed tonight."

I took the object from him, noting it to be a green flask of potion. I nodded at my fellow Organization member before hobbling off again.

It was going to be a long walk to my room.

I snuggled into the warmth of my blankets, closing my eyes. Almost immediately, my thoughts began to churn endlessly, rehashing the fragmented thoughts of the feral Heartless minds as they'd died.

_Painpainempty. Kill. Need hearts._

The quiet, inhuman voices whispering of darkness, pain, fear, and loneliness no longer scared me, though. They were eerie, to be sure, and they nearly drowned out my own consciousness, but they had lost their haunting quality.

Why? The voices hadn't changed, had they? Had I changed?

I frowned, pulling the blankets tighter about myself. I wasn't sure if I'd changed. I felt too empty to be able to tell...though maybe the emptiness in itself was a change.

A knock on my door startled me out of my thoughts.

"Who is it?" I called flatly.

"It's me, sweetheart."

_Hatemurderkill. Scared. Alone._

"Teleport in, then."

_Darkness._

Within seconds, the Freeshooter had done just that. He approached my bed silently, sitting down on the edge of it, judging by the way my mattress suddenly dipped. I didn't bother rolling over to face him.

"You doing okay, sweetheart?" The man asked carefully, pressing a hand against my forehead as if he was checking for a fever.

_Lost empty afraid. Darkness._

"Fine," I agreed flatly. Xigbar grunted, pulling his hand back.

_Pain._

"You're sure that Marluxia didn't hurt you at all?" He pressed. I could feel his keen gaze drilling into the back of my skull, and I frowned.

"No, Xigbar, he didn't hurt me," I answered with a sigh, drawing the covers closer to my head, as if they could shield me from my best friend's inscrutable eye. I didn't want him to know how the fragments of the Heartless' minds had stuck to me, how they dug in to my thoughts, interrupting my existence with memories of their own.

_Darkness alone hate._

"You wanna tell me what happened?" The man asked, nudging my shoulder, pulling on me, as if asking me to face him. I didn't comply.

"I don't even know what happened," I responded without inflection, and it was true. What on earth had been that thing that slashed at my legs?

"D'you wanna go get ice cream, then, if you're not gonna talk?" Xigbar pressed, sounding somewhat testy.

"Ice cream? Why?"

"It...I don't know, because it's what we do."

"Maybe later, okay?" I offered flatly, not really interested at all.

_Pain dark alone._

For a moment, Xigbar's curiosity seemed to have been sated; the man had fallen silent. After a beat, though, he spoke again.

"God, what in Kingdom Hearts' name _happened _to you?" Exasperation laced his voice, and I finally turned to face him, the gash in my lower back making its presence once again known.

"What?" I asked blankly, staring up at the man above me. Xigbar met my gaze with his one good eye, concern etched in his features.

_Fearheartsheartshearts-_

"Something's off. You're not the same," he sighed, shaking his head slowly. "You haven't been the same since you told me about that crush of yours on Marluxia, but that was just you being a girl, I guess. I mean, this is different." I shrugged, patting his hand gently before pulling my arm back under the covers. He let out a long breath, his head tipping back so that he was staring up at the ceiling. I followed his gaze; did he expect answers to be written up there or something? "Actually, sweetheart, scratch that. You are the same, if by that, you mean the same as every other Nobody around here. You're not different anymore."

_Killsoslowpainwhywhywhy_

I didn't respond. What on earth was I supposed to say to him?

"It's not just that you're hurt or tired, either," he continued, turning back to look at me. "I've seen you plumb beat plenty of times before, and you're never this...this..."

_Aloneafraidlostscaredhurtpain. Pain._

"Empty?" I offered, uncertain what word exactly he was looking for. It was nearly impossible to concentrate with these inhuman voices screeching in my mind. What had I done wrong?

"Sort of," he agreed, nodding slowly. "God, what happened, Kana?" He touched one ungloved thumb to my cheek, turning my face so that it was more fully focused on him. I avoided his gaze, unwilling to watch him mentally pick me apart, piece by piece, as he tried to decide what had supposedly changed about me. I fixed my eyes on my feet instead. "It's like my sweetheart has died. God, Kana, you were supposed to be able to survive here. You were supposed to be different." What did that even mean? Warm, soft flesh pressed to my forehead tenderly, lingering for a second before pulling away.

_Darkness. Hearts._

I raised my eyes off my feet, venturing a glance at the older man's face. Anguish wracked his face; why? What did he care? I certainly didn't have a problem with how I was, so why should he?

_Need heartsheartshearts_

Xigbar noticed that I'd finally looked at him, and he leaned in towards me again, placing another gentle kiss on my forehead, just under the still-warm spot he'd last kissed.

_Need life -_

Something inside my ribcage fluttered.

I gazed at the Freeshooter, hoping, with all my being, for another chaste kiss from my friend.

I was hoping. My mind, at least, was pretending to feel something. The fragmented voices of the Heartless minds had begun to quiet, too.

He saw the light of hope flicker in my eyes and pressed a third peck to the tip of my nose before nudging his own nose against mine, nuzzling me affectionately and locking gazes with me.

Something inside my ribs fluttered again, and I managed a smile.

"That's a little better, sweetheart," Xig smiled back. "Stay strong, okay? Don't give up. You're the best thing I've got around here. I need you to stay with me."

Like always, Xig managed to get his own way, and we teleported off to Twilight Town for some sea-salt ice cream.

"Nice weather today," Xigbar remarked to the ice cream vendor. The lady didn't answer him, merely eying our all-black garb and handing us our usual order of two sea-salt ice creams on a stick. Xigbar threw a smirk at me over his shoulder – undoubtedly, he was reveling in the fact that she knew our order without his having to repeat it now. He slid the appropriate amount of Munny at her over the counter, taking the ice cream in one hand and guiding me out of the store with his free arm. "Enjoy this lovely evening!" He called to the vendor as he stepped through the doorway and onto Market Street.

Rolling my eyes, I smacked my best friend in the shoulder.

"As if she didn't think we're crazy enough! Now you have to go around commenting on the weather and time of day in a place where _the weather and the position of the sun are always the exact same,_" I hissed, shaking my head. "For all we know, it could be morning for these people, not evening! Just because it looks like sunset doesn't mean anything here!"

"According to the Clock Tower, it's 7AM right now," Xigbar chirped, dissolving into chuckles as he handed me my ice cream. His chuckles soon turned into outright laughter, and I found myself giggling along with him.

"You're insane," I laughed. "You're gonna get us arrested or something. That lady's gonna call the cops and tell them she's got two psychopathic cult members who hang around her shop every day."

"Arrested? As if!" The man laughed. When I only shook my head, he sighed. "Aw, c'mon, sweetheart, it's fine. Don't take things so seriously," he quipped, still chuckling. I rolled my eyes again, very tempted to tell him to actually try being serious for a change. I held my tongue, though. "And besides, would that police report be so far from the truth?" Xigbar threw back his head and began roaring with laughter, wrapping his free arm around my shoulders. I barely had time to latch onto his cloak before we were teleporting, the world dissolving around me.

"All right. I didn't bring you here to sit in silence and stare at the ocean for an hour."

"Oh," I mumbled around a mouthful of ice cream. "What do you want, then?" Xigbar eyed me quizzically.

"Don't you remember, sweetheart? I was asking you to tell me about what happened?" The Freeshooter asked carefully. I didn't remember at all; the realization was bizarre. "On the mission?"

"Oh," I mumbled again, quite taken aback. "Well, a lot of stuff happened, really. Marluxia didn't do anything to hurt me, though. The Heartless were traveling in packs today, so they were pretty tough to fight off. And then, we were fighting the Poison Plants and all of a sudden, this...thing slashed my calves. I didn't get to turn around and take a look at it, though, so I don't know what it was."

"I'm assuming you fought it off, because you're alive," Xigbar stated, taking a lick of his ice cream.

"I don't know if we did. Marluxia was the only one with a weapon -"

"What's that mean?" Xigbar interrupted, scowling. "Where was your Keyblade?"

"Marluxia had it," I answered nonchalantly, eager to press on and reveal the rest of the story.

"And why did Marluxia have your weapon?" Xigbar continued, leveling a suspicious glare at me.

"He asked to try it out," I squeaked, wondering why Xig looked rather angry. Marluxia's request had been harmless; the Keyblade was mine to control and mine to recall.

"And you gave it to him."

"Yeah."

"Summon your Keyblade now, Kana," Xig instructed me, his sunlit face still scowling. My brows furrowed slightly in confusion, but I did as he had ordered me. To my surprise, my Keyblade didn't leap straight into my hands; it felt as if I were playing tug-of-war with it, fighting to call it to my side. Eventually, it materialized, piece by piece, until the familiar weight rested in my hands. "Wasn't so easy, was it? I don't understand Keyblades as well as Xemnas, but I do know that you have to be careful with those things. They can change masters somehow."

"I...I didn't realize," I murmured, my fingers tightly grasping the golden-hued metal. Did that mean that Marluxia could have won over my Keyblade out there today? The thought terrified me. Without my weapon, I was next to nothing, only a mind stretched at the seams. I glanced up at Xigbar, feeling his gaze leveled at me, and was surprised to see a fair bit of anger etched there.

"Be more careful," he ordered, returning to his sea-salt ice cream, his golden eye sweeping over the ocean that glittered like diamonds. I merely nodded mutely, still rather shocked.

Why did Marluxia want my Keyblade, anyway? He already had that gorgeous, impressive scythe. My tiny blade was nothing in comparison.

"Hey, Xig?"

"Mm?"

"Marluxia said something kind of odd today."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah," I sighed, not really sure if I wanted to ask this question or not. Maybe I'd be better off asking the taller Nobody why Number Twelve had an interest in my Keyblade in the first place. I hesitated, uncertain if I should plunge ahead, but I did so anyway, telling myself that I needed to know the answer, no matter how I felt about it. "Marluxia said something about drowning another world in Darkness."

"Did he?" Xigbar mused quietly, one large hand reaching up to stroke his chin. "Why was he talking about that with you, sweetheart?"

"I...I don't really know," I admitted quietly. "He said not to tell anyone this, though, but I don't think I understand what he was getting at."

Xigbar sighed, draping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me close to his side. I shifted closer to the man, grateful for his companionship.

"We're a team, Kana," the Freeshooter reminded me, giving my shoulders a small squeeze. "Allies. We can't keep secrets from each other, okay? Secrets are how alliances are brought down."

"Right," I said, swallowing hard. It was okay to tell Xigbar, wasn't it? He wouldn't let on that he knew anything, and even if he did, he wouldn't let Marluxia hurt me, either, would he? "Well, Marluxia was saying that I was perceptive and strong, capable of making change or something -"

"He's quite the sweet-talker when he wants something-"

"Don't interrupt," I scolded. "And then he told me something about how Twilight Town was running out of Darkness and Heartless and therefore running out of Hearts, and that it was becoming pointless to go on missions to the Town because we weren't getting enough returns, and he said that he thought that the Organization should drown another world in darkness. But he said that Xemnas didn't think it was logical, and that the Superior wouldn't do it even though we had the resources for it or something. And he told me to think about his words for a day. And then he said something weird, that not every Nobody had the best interests of the Organization at heart."

"Hmph. He's one to talk," Xigbar scoffed, taking a huge bite out of his ice cream with a frown. "Listen, Kana, I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you to be very careful about agreeing to anything that goes against the Superior's wishes. Sometimes things work out, and peaceful change happens, but not always. And remember, traitors are eliminated."

I swallowed hard, inching closer still to Xigbar, as if the man could shield me from the decision I had to make.

"Does that make Marluxia a traitor?" I asked carefully, trying to sort things out.

"Dunno yet, sweetheart," Xigbar responded casually. "Just don't bite off more than you can chew." I nodded, reasoning that it seemed best to follow Xigbar's lead and avoid becoming entangled with whatever scheme the Graceful Assassin was cooking up.

"But Xig, is it true that the Organization drowns worlds in Darkness?"

Xigbar sighed, resting his hand atop my head gently.

"Yeah, Kana, it's true."

"But why on earth would we do that?" I cried out, quite upset. I'd been hoping that Xigbar would tell me that none of it was the truth; this wasn't what I wanted to hear. "Drowning the world in Darkness and then fighting off that Darkness doesn't make any sense!"

"It does if you ever want to complete Kingdom Hearts and get your heart back," Xigbar growled, pulling away from me.

"But what about those other people -"

"Kana, do you really feel any guilt over them?" Xigbar snapped, his patience apparently wearing thin. I dropped my eyes from his, shaking my head slowly. Of course I didn't feel any actual guilt, but my mind still thought I should. "Exactly," the man stated with a small smirk.

"But that doesn't make it right!"

"Sweetheart, if you haven't noticed yet, we're not exactly the good guys here."

"Kana?"

"Yeah?"

"Sing for me?"

I groaned, rolling my eyes. Why on earth did Xigbar like hearing my amateur voice, anyway?

But maybe it wasn't so much about how I sounded, and more about the song itself. Maybe there was something special in the words, or the tune, or something about music that could stir something close to feelings in the older Nobody.

After everything he'd done for me, I didn't have the right to refuse him a small favor like that.

I sang quietly, sometimes humming when I forgot the words, but my best friend didn't seem to care much. He lay down on his back, staring up at the setting sun, his tenor voice joining my alto-soprano every now and then.

I sang about the things in life that I knew so far. I knew pain, confusion, endings, and loneliness. But I also knew hope, companionship, bravery, and loyalty.

When I looked at it that way – looked at my thus far short life as a song – it didn't seem so bad. All the good things in life, even if I couldn't truly feel them, were worth fighting for.

We weren't the good guys, as Xig had admitted, but as long as the Organization was fighting to reclaim the things that made life worth living, we weren't quite the bad guys, either.


End file.
